I love my kids so fiercely, sometimes I can’t inhale air.
Parenting our four boys is the most difficult, gut-wrenching, frustrating, exhausting, awesome, joyful, incredible, amazing gift. Watching our boys create music and movies together, play pick-up games of soccer or basketball together, laugh at inside jokes together, work outside with their dad together – really. I fear that I might explode with love and happiness right here in my chair.
There’s all the other stuff too, so don’t think that I don’t hate every minute of puke and sibling arguments and disobedience. Daily I have to get on my knees, giving my boys’ future over to God, knowing that as a human parent, I alone do not have what it takes – not even a little bit – to create in their hearts an attitude of Christ. I hang onto the promise that God has a plan for our kids, and He will work out in them His perfect plan. In spite of me, with me, without me, on behalf of me – God is working in our kids’ hearts.
I’ll take every bit of the “did I not just tell you three times to put your shoes in the closet?” and endure all the rounds of “mom he keeps touching me but he touched me first please make him stop touching me” and persevere through the “he said this to me I was just kidding no you weren’t” stuff. If only they would always be magically perfect and work outside with their dad so that watching their precious actions would steal away my breath and overtake my heart with joy. There’s all that and then there’s all the mud smeared into the rug that nobody claims. But I’ll take it. I’ll take it all, and I’ll even appreciate being right here, right now, doing this thing with its grass stains and question marks.
Because here’s the deal. The six of us? Matt and me and our four boys in this house? We’ve spent so many years of our lives together working and schooling and living and laughing and arguing and learning and problem solving and crying and traveling and reading and tripping over shoes that still didn’t get put into the closet. Our oldest turns 17 in one week. In the fall? He will be a senior in high school.
I am full of joy, excitement, and hope for what God has for Asa and all of our family after next year. I realize life doesn’t end when our oldest graduates. But the truth is that life as the six of us – the way it is now – changes. It’ll never be the same, because it’s not supposed to be. This is all part of the journey.
Today, that makes me cry. The recent graduation parties we’ve attended for friends has put into perspective that this will be us next year. Then this morning, I got up at 3:30 to see Asa and 14 others off at the airport as they head to Ecuador to do 10 days of mission work. Watching his grown up self smile and wave as he went through that gate pretty much did me in.
Here’s our 4:45 am picture, right before he went inside to check on his luggage. Yes, he does keep getting taller. No, I did not brush my hair this morning.
I’m so proud of that kid, I could cry. Oh wait. I am crying. I decided to give up on holding it in, and just sit here and feel it for a while. Feel the pride, love, wonder, amazement, excitement, joy…and sadness. At the same time.
Tears. They are good. God. He is very good. Because of that, I truly can feel peace about the future of my kids and our family, however it looks.
But when I need to cry, I’m going to cry. Praise God for tears. And Kleenex.
Ok, so you are making me cry now! You have every right to be a proud mama!
That was beautiful:) Goodness he is grown up! I remember when you had all short people and I was just in awe that you could nurse a baby, talk intelligently and do a Stampin’ Up demonstration all at the same time! Anyway, you have seriously done a wonderful job…I am inspired:)
Oh the lesson in life that our kids teach us about our relationship with our Savior. (did that make sense?). It is just my simple opinion that the Lord reveals so much to us through our kids.
To sit and have a chat with you Laura, would be a blessing. (in Eternity, we just must). I am the same age as you, yet my daughter left for college 5 years ago this fall. We raised her up (and her 5 younger sisters we are still working on) – to serve the Lord. She was an absolute warrior in His name at one of our state universities. It brought us so much joy to see her go out into the world and live for HIM. You will be so blessed with the next chapter of life that is coming your way. Savor every minute. The tears will ebb and flow, but the blessings just keep coming.
Our precious girl now resides with her Savior in Heaven, but someday, there will be so many others in Heaven as well, because of her faithfulness to go out into the world and share the gospel to the hurting and the lost. And thankfully for me, because of His finish work on the Cross, we will worship Him again one day…. TOGETHER.
May the Lord continue to bless you and your family. I so very much appreciate your blog!!
Makes so much sense!
I’m crying with YOU now, praising God for your words. Thank you for sharing about your daughter and how God used her on this earth.
The hardest part of being a mother is allowing your child to grow up! Prayers for safe travels for Asa.
I don’t think I have ever loved you more than after this post! Thank you for describing everything I feel in words and putting it out there! My kiddos are still so small (4 & 7) but I love having them home for schooling and doing life with them all day everyday. Easy? No way! So worth it? Absolutely!
Beautifully said and now we are crying together!
Enjoy your cry! It is amazing to stand back and see what God is doing with and through our children as they grow. As a mom whose youngest three are in college, I’ll let you in on a secret – those wonderful moments of joy and exasperation keep coming, just not as often. I nearly burst with pride to be in the congregation as my music major son leads in worship (yes, those baby dimples are still there!). I still hear “you girls stop giggling, I’m trying to sleep”. Those moments come just often enough to make me appreciate those quiet evenings when its just the two of us!
Laura,
I experienced those same feelings at a graduation the year before my oldest’s senior year. I was blubbering as those kids graduated and it was pretty embarassing since they weren’t mine and I remember thinking “I’ll never make it through my own children’s graduation.” But you know what? I only shed a couple of tears at hers and didn’t blubber at all. Maybe it just shocked me into realization that the end of an era was coming soon and I’d better get ready and make the most of it. I’m sure that’s exactly what you will do this next year as you seem to cherish every day.
Wow! Great post! Our youngest of 10 just graduated from high school. Even though 5 of our children are living at home right now, life is different. It is sad and exciting at the same time. Life goes on and God is good all the time!
Yes.
Ohhh, Lauraaaaa! I am tearing up right along with you, as I recently went through this with my 14yo son. I put him on a plane — WITHOUT ME — for the first time ever and shipped him off 3000 miles away to the east coast on a trip to NYC and DC (I couldn’t afford to be a chaperone, so off he went with his peers and other chaperones). Sigh. I promised I wouldn’t cry at the airport, but of course, I did anyway, and he was actually just fine with it (my sweet boy, I must be doing something right, right?). I tracked his flights (long ones!), waited patiently for texts that I didn’t really get until the very end, but I was okay with that because he had the richest experience of his life to date. Oh, and he took a ton of photos, saved ticket stubs and maps — atta boy! It was worth every tear I shed, and he came home changed, deeper, more mature, and even more responsible than he was before. I wish I could hug you and spend the next 10 days by your side (I needed other mamas every day while my son was gone). Hang in there, and know this is an experience that he will never forget for some of the same reasons you won’t either. HUGS to you!!!!
Great post!!! Tears are a language GOD understands. Loved reading this.
You are such a good example to us! I am right behind you with my oldest. I, too, fear about the future of my boys. Did we prepare them enough? What are they going to do in life? What if?…… Ultimately, they are God’s children and we need to trust their futures to Him. We need to really, really trust Him. Thank your for the reminder that their futures belong to Him!
We found out yesterday that my oldest’s (and first to graduate so my emotions are really raw through this one!) move-in date for college is mid-August! I asked her if I should start boo-hooing now or save it up for one long embarrassing episode in the dorm! :) She told me that it’s okay if I cry when we take her and that she won’t mind a bit… sniff, sniff, isn’t that sweet???
On the upside it’s so rewarding and humbling to see what a wonderful and faithful young lady she has become. She is excited about going and is having fun with the dorm planning and such.
But then I say goodnight at night and imagine her bed and night stand empty and… okay, back to the upside topic!
When she starts to feel homesick about leaving (and when I get sad) I tell her to think of it as just a 3 month camp away from home and then she comes back home – not as leaving home.
oh Laura…i know how you feel!!my oldest of 7 just graduated from high school on friday,followed by my 15 year old son leaving for a 5 day competition for band trip..yes i cried through both of these things!!i do not care that they are both well over six feet tall..they are still my babies!!!someone asked if i will get used to it as mt 7 children grow and become the person they are going to be..the answer is no….so i guess i better just stock up on tissues!!lol
Great post- thanks for sharing your heart! I was in the “I’m going to sit here and cry because my kids have no motivation, are forgetful or don’t care and aren’t moving fast enough for me” part about an hour ago, so reading your post helped me put things in perspective . Again. Especially the part about telling them the same things over and over. And over ;-)
Very thankful for your blog and your willingness to keep it real. So helpful for me, especially this morning! Blessings to you as you go through this transition!!
What a touching post! I’m crying along with you! Take it from one who has been there, it wasn’t easy….it is still not easy. I want nothing more than to re-live the days when my boys were home and we had all those little daily incidents, too. But when I see where God has led them and the wonderful husband, father, and follower of Jesus my oldest son is, (my youngest son tragically passed away), I wouldn’t take it back for a minute. God charged me to teach them the way, and this is what we prepare them for. Good job, Mommy! You are doing good!!! Love to you and your sweet family.
hello. First time reading your blog. So beautifully spoken. I, too, have 4 boys, ages 15, 14, 11 and 9. I have felt (am feeling) so many of the thoughts you expressed. They are such a huge blessing. I’ve concluded that we hurt just as deeply as we love.
Here are a few you didn’t mention:
Why do I have to make my bed EVERY day?
I got it under control, Mom.
Where’s my wallet, keys, books, money, etc?????
Why do I have to wash my sheets?
I am printing out your article to share with my husband. Our only fights/disagreements/discussions are about our 17 yo son who will be a senior next year (if he lives that long). I KNOW God has a plan but…..my son’s air-brained behavior makes me want to scream!! Want to scream….I DO scream….a lot more than I used to! Seriously, thanks so much. I know there is a silver lining, I’ll miss him when he’s gone, blah, blah, blah….I just have to remember to stop taking my son back from God after I give him. Really, God, You got him, ok?
My favorite is “why do I have to take a shower? I’m not dirty!”
The picture of Asa and you brings joy to my heart, 8-). I love those moments when our dear child comes up to and ask for that precious hug. I absolutely understand that overwhelming feelings that come rushing in. Congratulations to Asa and may God bless him with a wonderful, safe journey. May he come back a changed man, ready to do wonderful things in his home and community. May God’s love shine through him to those he will be with on his journey.
Ditto what Linda said. I am proud of you ( 2nd daughter of mine). Your momma would be too. (I think she shed a few tears when you left, too). Hang in there. It won’t be the same once he leaves, but it will be a good different…a changing of seasons…but don’t you like when seasons change?Variety…and change…..the spice of life. You and Matt have done well. Go ahead and have a good cry. Those tears help us clean our eyes out to look for more good things to come. Love you
You expressed it so well! I applaud you for being grateful for this time–for realizing how much of a gift it is–to have them all together yet! I remember well how emotionally unstable I felt when our family was at that same stage some 10 years ago. I would be enjoying the antics going on among the 6 and laughing with them and all of a sudden I was choking on my sobs!!! God understands…and you are doing well in enjoying your family!
Laura, thanks so much for this beautifully written post. We also have four sons and the words you wrote are exactly how I feel. Your boys are slightly older than ours so I will learn from you how to handle the journey ahead of us in raising our young men. You are a wonderful writer!