communicate Archives | Heavenly Homemakers

Listen

Synchronized Staring – Matt’s Thoughts

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…that’s absurdity. When you look into your spouse’s eyes and truly listen…that’s amore.

Here’s a question for self-evaluation: Is my beloved’s voice mixing with all the other noise in my life? If so, something needs to change.

Healthy marriages consist of two people listening to each other. My best listening is achieved when my eyes are on my prized one. So, I say, if at all possible, look at your spouse in the eyes when he/she is communicating to you. Okay, when you are changing a diaper, your focus needs to be there, but pause or turn off the media and give your full attention to the most important person in your life; the game or show – or gameshow – really isn’t important.

Remember when you first looked into each other’s eyes and your hearts raced with adrenaline? Maybe your story didn’t quite happen that way, but think about other instances when you would have competed for gold in the Olympic Event of Synchronized Staring. Practice that again right now. If your “Romantic” is not with you now, then at your next opportunity look lovingly into his/her eyes and listen. We can’t help but smile when we do this. We smile because we know we are being heard. We smile because we know we are loved.

I’m Sorry, Did You Say Something? – Laura’s Thoughts

It is a fact that if I’m working at the computer, Matt has learned that he has to say, “Are you in writing mode or are you able to listen for a minute?” Yes, when I write, I go into a zone. (See like right now – I’m typing and I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.)

Sometimes that’s okay – we all have to learn to be selective about when we share something important with our spouse. If he/she is in the middle of balancing the checkbook, that may not be the best time to share a deep, heart-felt need or request. Just as important as listening is being thoughtful about when we’d like to truly be heard.

Do you know what I love about the way Matt listens to me? He just listens. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t jump in with ideas of how to fix my situation. Usually, I just need to share and to be heard and cared for. When he’s sharing something with me, he also appreciates if I just let him talk. Sometimes I like to try to finish his sentences for him. That’s not nice and I’m working on not doing that. He can finish his own sentences quite well without my help.

If you’re a good listener, your ears and heart are open – your mouth is not. And yes, like Matt said, it’s best to look into your spouse’s eyes when he or she shares. You can really hear better that way.

And that’s why, at the end of the day after I’ve taken out my contacts, I have to say to Matt, “Will you hand me my glasses? I can’t hear you very well.” Either I’m a weirdo or eye contact is just that important in order to be a good listener.

Or maybe it’s a little bit of both. ;)

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;) We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips A to Z – Listen

help meet

I remember the first time we celebrated my birthday as a married couple. It was one of the most disappointing days. Growing up, my mom had always made my birthday all about me. I would wake up to gifts and a special breakfast. We usually went out for a lovely lunch. I got to pick what I wanted for dinner and we all celebrated with a cake.

So naturally, Matt should have known all of that. He should have thought ahead and planned ahead and baked me a big cake and planned the whole day around me because hello…it was my birthday.

I believe the day went something like this: I did not wake up to presents or a special breakfast. Lunch? Well that would depend on what I chose to make. There was no cake. Matt didn’t even mention my birthday until late afternoon when he said something like, “I have to go out for a little while because I haven’t had a chance to shop for your present yet. What do you want for your birthday?”

What do I want? What do I WANT? I WANT you to know what I want! I want you to spend hours thinking about how to make my day special and about what would be a wonderful and romantic gift for me. And what do you mean you “haven’t had time to shop yet”? You had 364 days to shop!

Mature, wasn’t I? Expecting a little too much from my new husband? Um, yeah. Especially since I hadn’t expressed one bit of my desires to him in the first place. I didn’t want to have to tell him what I wanted. That wouldn’t have been romantic at all. I wanted him to just KNOW what I wanted. I expected him to create a magical day for me when he had no idea what I had expected. His birthdays growing up had been much more “low key” than mine had been. He didn’t know that the world had to stop and that everything had to revolve around me on my birthday.

That’s just a silly little example of how not sharing our needs or desires with our husbands can cause unnecessary frustration. But the big point is this: Our husbands can NOT read our minds. Your husband probably has no idea what you want until you tell him.

Hey, you can’t read his mind either. This marriage thing takes communication.

If you want your husband to help you more around the house, you need to tell him. And you need to be specific. You can’t just say, “I need you to help me more around the house.” He’s likely to look around the house, feel completely overwhelmed and not help at all. Remember, he can’t read your mind. He probably wants to help you, he just doesn’t know what it is that you need help with. While YOU see the pile of laundry that needs to be folded, don’t assume that he KNOWS that you want him to fold it. Instead of, “I need you to help me” say something along the lines of, “Hey, would you be able to get those clothes folded for me sometime this afternoon?” (And then you give him a flirty look, a smile and a wink – but that’s another post for another day.)

Don’t just sit around waiting for him to figure out what you need or desire. He doesn’t know. He’s probably not insensitive and uncaring. He just doesn’t know. Because your husband can not read your mind.

If you expect your husband to read your mind and instinctively know what you want…you are going to be constantly disappointed. Disappointment can lead to resentment. Which can lead to bitterness. Which can lead to a big sinful mess. The kind of sinful mess that rests in your heart, not in his.

Gently and lovingly share your needs with your husband. Be specific. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. Decide if it truly is a need (or just a selfish desire). Express yourself calmly. DON’T NAG.

Which leads me to this: Even if you share your needs with your husband in all the right ways…he still may not be able to (or willing to) meet all of them. You may be able to try talking through it with him again another time. You may be able to express yourself differently to help him understand what you need. Or, this may just be a time to shut-up and pray.

And through prayer, you will learn that there’s only One who can truly meet all of your needs sufficiently. And joy of joys…He can indeed read your mind. :)