Matt and I love the book His Needs Her Needs and highly recommend it for engaged and married couples. Matt took the time to write a review of this book to share with all of you. I love what he wrote and urge you to check this book out as you nurture your marriage.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. was the first marriage book we read together and it was before we were married…by God’s Grace. From my standpoint Laura and I were perfectly compatible. I assumed what was good for me was good for her. Everything I desired, she desired. So I planned to apply the golden rule of doing to her what I would want her to do to me. I was getting married to this godly woman who was like me in nearly everyway. The slight differences were easily overlooked.
As we read this book and talked about it, I began to see that our desires were not perfectly aligned. What was good for me was not always her preference. Yes, most importantly we shared a love for our Creator and Savior, and yes our basic physical needs were obviously shared. We wanted to be connected intimately to each other, but our definitions were a bit different. We wanted to spend time together, just the two of us, but how we spent that time was not always the same. By God’s grace (this should be declared in Tony the Tiger voice, His GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRACE!!!!!!!!!!!) we have a wonderful marriage today. God used this book to help pull me from self-driven fantasy into reality…before we were married. Although it is not written specifically to a Christian audience, the principles helped me look outside of myself. Remember, I wasn’t getting married for strictly selfish reasons – my intention was that she would be just as pleased as I would be – but our picture of that was different. I needed some skills.
In the preface, Harley writes, “Successful marriages require skill – skill in caring for the one you promised to cherish throughout life. Good intentions are not enough. This book was written to educate you in the care of your spouse.”
His findings for the top five marital needs for a man and a woman were pretty close to how we personally ranked them. He lists that a woman’s top five basic needs in marriage tend to be: 1. Affection; 2. Conversation; 3. Honesty and openness; 4. Financial support; and 5. Family commitment. For men they tend to be: 1. Sexual fulfillment; 2. Recreational companionship; 3. An attractive spouse; 4. Domestic support; and 5. Admiration.
If after reading his descriptions of each of the categories they don’t match up with you and your spouse, at least it gets you discussing each other’s needs and you might recognize that you could make some alterations in serving your spouse in order to – as Harley puts it – make deposits in their love bank.
May God bless you as you care for your spouse!