marriage tips Archives | Heavenly Homemakers

Read Together

October 20, 2011 by Laura 9 Comments

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~Appreciate Your Spouse~Buoyancy in Marriage~Consult Your Partner~
~Dream Together Part One ~Dream Together Part Two~Empower Your Spouse~
~Have Fun With Your Spouse~Give to One Another~Honor Each Other~
~Be Intentional~Jubilee~Kingdom Focused~Listen~~Mentor Relationships~
~Nourish~Own It~Pray With Each Other~Quick to Listen~

Read Together

Being on the Same Page – Matt’s Thoughts

Variety in marriage is fun. So, when it comes to reading together, mix it up, taking into consideration what would be good for the two of you. Laura and I have never gone wrong by reading books, articles, posts or other material that is written to help marriages. Even if it is not insightful for our context, at the very least we are side by side trying to align ourselves with each other. We have read from the Bible and discussed it and we have read material that is just plain fun…like a joke book. We don’t read together every night, but we talk about what each of us is reading separately. I urge you to read at least one book together every year that is specifically for marriage relationships written by an author(s) who has a Christian worldview. Whether you borrow it from your local library, church library, or a friend, or whether you purchase it so that you can own it and reference it, the key word here is TOGETHER. If only one of you reads the book, then you’re not on the same page…pun intended. Make it happen TOGETHER.

If you are like us, we have good ideas like reading a book together and then we blink and 2011 is almost history. This “good idea” of reading together probably won’t take place unless you agree on the book and schedule it TOGETHER. Of course life happens and schedules need to be rearranged on occasion, but our experience has been that the time together and discussion that follows connects the two of us.

Yes, it needs to be intentional, but beware of the checklist mentality and the critiquing spirit – as in critiquing the author. Speaking from experience, I have needed to choose to have the right attitude when it is reading time. I remember one particular couple’s devotional book that I was counting down the pages ’til it was complete. It just wasn’t doing anything for me. The reason it wasn’t doing anything for me was because of my attitude. Once I stopped the countdown and ceased being critical of the writer’s style, then the discussion about its relativity to my marriage improved.

A suggestion if you are having trouble deciding: Visit with other couples who have healthy marriages and see what they would recommend reading and ask them why they would recommend it.

Yeah, What Matt Said – Laura’s Thoughts

I think Matt said all of this wonderfully. The only thing I’d like to add is this: For those of you who don’t enjoy reading, try books on CD. (I almost said “books on tape”, which like totally tells you that we grew up in the 80’s and that I used to have big hair.) You may not love every book or concept you read together, but be sure to ask yourself if you don’t love it because it’s difficult to hear. Sometimes the truth hurts. Allow God to stretch you and challenge you with books that enrich your marriage.

Books That Have Benefitted Us or Other Couples (alphabetical order):

Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl
His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat MD and Gaye Wheat
Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It by Jerry B. Jenkins
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray
Night Light by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry by Les & Leslie Parrot (This is what we are currently reading and it’s good for us even after 17 years of marriage)
The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman

What have you and your spouse read together that you would recommend?

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;) We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips A to Z – Read Together

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Kingdom Focused

September 2, 2011 by Laura 6 Comments

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Dethroning King Dumb – Matt’s Thoughts

I’ve found that praying the same brief Biblical phrase for several weeks at a time works for me. It is similar to steeping tea. The longer the phrase stays in my head to “brew” the stronger an impact it makes on me. For a couple months now, I’ve been regularly praying the following phrase Jesus used when he taught how to pray: “Your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” My understanding is that I am to be his instrument in making this happen. I want to be a part of bringing God’s Kingdom to us, accomplishing His will on earth as it is being accomplished in heaven. I should live to please my King. My problem is King Dumb – that’s me – wants to do his own thing. King Dumb has his agenda. King Dumb builds his castle waving his prideful banner. King Dumb feeds his desires. King Dumb cares for others when King Dumb benefits.

Living in our own little King Dumb, or Queen Dumb if that fits you better, is not beneficial to a marriage. The healthiest marriages I have witnessed contain two people with one focus, one purpose, one Lord, one Kingdom. Their lives reverberate another of Jesus’ prayers, “Not my will but yours be done.”

Don’t Mess With My To-Do List – Laura’s Thoughts

My world is full of “to-dos”. I have writing to do, laundry to do, dishes to do, cooking to do, cleaning to do…a never ending list of to-dos. I get a lot of work done each day. Why? Because I’m driven and am very task oriented. I can knock out a long to-do list and then come back for more. Yes, I’m very good at accomplishing many tasks each day.

What about the kids? What about my husband? What about my church family, my neighbors, the people I run into at the store? What about them? Get out of my way – I have a to-do list.

This is me when I am not being Kingdom Focused. Pretty, huh?

I’ve had to learn the hard way that life is not about me or my to-do lists. In fact, not only is life not about my to-do lists, it is instead very much about others. People. God’s people. When I pry my eyes and brain away from my tasks and look instead to the needs of the people God has put in my life, I find that suddenly that laundry pile has very little significance. The clothes still make their way into the washing machine, but my heart no longer dwells on the never ending list of to-dos. When I truly seek to live as Jesus wants me to live, when I stop and listen to what God wants me to do, when I begin to care more about loving others than loving my list…much can be accomplished for God’s Kingdom.

Today’s to-do list? Focus on God’s Kingdom.

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;) We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips A to Z – Kingdom Focused

Heavenly Homemaker's Club Members: Access your homepage and all your fantastic resources here! Not a member yet? Please join us!

Jubilee

August 25, 2011 by Laura 11 Comments

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Jubilee

Restart Button – Matt’s Thoughts

In the Old Testament (Leviticus 25) we read about the year of Jubilee. Land that had been sold to pay debts was returned to its owner and people who sold themselves as servants were set free so that people in desperate situations would not be taken advantage of. Using a modern day analogy, the restart button was pushed. This was to be practiced every fifty years. In a healthy marriage Jubilee takes place more often than every fifty years. Usually we call it forgiveness and it must occur often. Forgiveness is a MASSIVE component in marriage. We need to push the restart button, offering Jubilee to our spouse, and we need it pushed for us, receiving Jubilee from our spouse.

Several years ago, I really needed Laura’s Jubilee. I was playing computer games late into the night for many nights. I wasn’t getting the sleep I needed which led to all kinds of consequences that Laura took the brunt of, and more importantly we were not spending the end of the day together connecting with each other. She expressed to me her desire for us to be together more and I agreed, but I was lacking in self-control and did not follow through with my agreement…for waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many nights. This hurt Laura as she felt like I was choosing games over her. She was right, I was choosing games over her, not willfully, but due to immaturity, selfishness and – I’ll be blunt – stupidity.

I hurt my wife and I needed the restart button. Thank you Laura for pushing the restart button. (As a side note, we jointly made a plan that has moved us past those issues.)

The Chosen One – Laura’s Thoughts

Issues with computer games in a marriage may seem petty to some of you who have experienced painful betrayal in areas such as pornography or infidelity. We realized that at the time of our struggle and we realize it now. But the issue remains the same: I want to be Matt’s chosen one. He wants to be mine.

Anytime you choose something or someone instead of choosing your spouse – you’re making the wrong choice. That’s not what this post is ultimately about, but please hear it loud and clear. Beyond your relationship with the Father, your spouse needs to be your first priority, so let go of yourself and choose your beloved.

That’s exactly what Matt did. He made the decision to grow through his selfish desires – and he chose to put our relationship first. I became his number one again.

But even so, Jubilee didn’t occur until I had truly forgiven the hurt he had caused me by what I had felt as neglect. If Matt had made the changes I asked him to make, and then I had simply shrugged and said, “Well, it’s about time,” our marriage may not be in a much healthier state than it had been.

We had to push the restart button. I had to truly forgive, and together we came up with a plan that worked to grow our healthy marriage. There is no room for bitterness in a marriage that is moving forward toward greatness.

Don’t wait 50 years for Jubilee. Forgiveness starts today.

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;) We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips A to Z – Jubilee

Heavenly Homemaker's Club Members: Access your homepage and all your fantastic resources here! Not a member yet? Please join us!

Be Intentional

August 11, 2011 by Laura 23 Comments

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Be Intentional

A Conscious Choice – Matt’s Thoughts

Jim Collins wrote a business book called Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap … And Others Don’t (HarperBusiness, 2001). Good to Great shows that greatness is not primarily a function of circumstance; but largely a matter of conscious choice and discipline.

In a healthy marriage, both the husband and the wife are intentional about improving the health of their marriage.

If you wanted to get healthier physically by toning your muscles and improving your digestion, but continued to sit on the couch and eat junk, then your health will not improve. The same goes for your marriage relationship.

A plan must be made, action must be taken, accountability should be in place and a regular check-up/evaluation brings it full circle.

Following through with positive choices can help your marriage shift from good to great.

Meet George Jetson; Jane his wife. – Laura’s Thoughts

Our kids have a couple of Jetsons cartoon DVDs (remember this?!), which are always good for a chuckle. The head of the household, George Jetson, complains that while during a particularly “busy” day at work, he actually has to reach up to push his button an entire three times, if you can possibly imagine this exhausting type of assignment. His wife, Jane, is a homemaker. She punches the family’s dinner menu order into her dinner machine thingy, and tada – and out comes dinner. Clean up after dinner happens with the push of another button and when she needs to vacuum? Well there’s a button she can push for that too. Their lives are about as simple and easy as a life can be, with robots and machines doing all of their work. (And yet, good grief, they still complain about having to push so many buttons. Are people – or um, cartoon characters – never content? Yes, I suppose that’s another post for another day.)

I think most of us would prefer life to be as simple and easy as possible. We plan to grow up and meet the man/woman of our dreams. We get married with plans to live happily ever after – the end.

My question would be: What part of your “plan to live happily ever after” actually contains a plan?

Like the Jetsons, we’d like to push the “happily ever after” button in life and sit back and let the happiness happen. But a healthy marriage – a marriage full of the joy God intended – doesn’t just happen. You must each be intentional about working to create and maintain a healthy marriage.

Stop sitting on the couch eating the junk food of an unhealthy marriage (selfishness, pride, bitterness, laziness). Stop trying to push the easy button in life, waiting for that happily ever after picture you have of a healthy marriage to just fall into your lap. Stop waiting for your spouse to step up to the plate while you continue to grow more and more discontent.

Your happily ever after begins when you become intentional about being what God calls you to be as a husband or a wife.

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;) We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z – Be Intentional

Heavenly Homemaker's Club Members: Access your homepage and all your fantastic resources here! Not a member yet? Please join us!

Give to One Another

July 28, 2011 by Laura 5 Comments

This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, please see our disclosure policy.

~Appreciate Your Spouse~~Buoyancy in Marriage~Consult Your Partner~
~Dream Together Part One ~Dream Together Part Two~
~Empower Your Spouse~Have Fun With Your Spouse~

Give to One Another

Give and Take – Matt’s Thoughts

Every healthy relationship must consist of both give and take for it to last. We’ve got the “TAKE” part down with our hands tied behind our back and our fingers, toes, eyes and mid-digital hairs crossed. So we need to put our efforts into the “GIVE.”

Give your sweetie a back-rub (if you know he/she would enjoy it). Give your spouse a break today from what is usually their duty or household chore by doing it for them – and then whether that act is noticed or not, give him/her a hug or a kiss. The paradox is that when we give, we are blessed tremendously. For one, usually our spouse will recognize our efforts and appreciate us for it. Sometimes they go after paybacks. When our spouse gives and we catch them, why not have some fun with it and say something like, “I’m gonna get you back,” and look for an opportunity soon for “paybacks.”

Secondly, I’m guessing you’ve experienced this paradox found in Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” You set out to serve someone else and in doing so you are blessed more than you bless those you serve. Maybe it is therapeutic or cathartic for you to look outside of yourself. More than likely, you benefit relationally because your interaction with those you are serving is insightful, memorable, or even profound. Most importantly, your heart becomes more like God’s. That heart gives and … gives some more.

Did You Even Notice? – Laura’s Thoughts

I’d like to go with what Matt said about “whether that act is noticed or not…”

Wouldn’t we like all of our acts of service and giving to be noticed? Don’t we want to be verbally appreciated and lavished with praise for all we do? When we perform acts of kindness, break our backs doing the dirty work, unselfishly – day after day – work to meet the needs of our family…we’d all really like to be told thank you and to be given a wonderful appraisal of how great we are. Of course we all love appreciation, and we should obviously be appreciating each other continually.

Oh my, but did I just say, “work unselfishly”? Why did that word burst forth out of my little typing fingers?

Yes. Did you know that we can do all varieties of acts of kindness and service to our spouse, and much of it can be done with a heart of selfishness? With an attitude of martyrdom? With thoughts of “poor me, I work so hard to please my spouse – and for what?” haunting our minds while we labor? I know it’s true because I’ve been guilty of it many times.

When we give to our families by serving and loving them – and especially when we offer love and care to our spouse, we must surrender our selves to God and to our dear one.

We don’t give of ourselves so that we’ll be noticed, patted on the back or lavished with praise. We give of ourselves because this is what God calls us to do. We love and serve our spouse because we made the commitment on our wedding day to love, honor and cherish.

We give of ourselves because it truly is more blessed to give than to receive.

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;) We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips A to Z – Give

Heavenly Homemaker's Club Members: Access your homepage and all your fantastic resources here! Not a member yet? Please join us!