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How to Handle a Defiant Child

March 6, 2013 by Laura 64 Comments

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strong_willed

I received this email a few weeks ago:

Hi Laura,
I have a 4 year old who is by nature defiant. I say turn right and he says “no, left.” Everything is a battle from putting on the seat belt to especially bedtime routine. I have other children who are obedient and well-mannered so I know it is his temperment. I am a supernanny queen and do 800 millon consequences to his bad behavior. I am very consistent with following through. It is starting to escalate and affecting me in the home. I’ve started to feel like a failure and started feeling apathetic towards the rest of my responsibilities. Where is the joy? I’m wondering if you had any wisdom on guiding a boys heart?

Well, I will never claim to be a parenting expert, but I do have a few years of experience dealing with strong-willed boys. Here’s what I emailed back:

Rest assured, you are not a failure! Out of four of our boys, three of them were (are) very stubborn and strong-willed. Here are three points I’d like to share:
 
1. Don’t forget that you are the parent. Don’t feel bad or guilty about insisting on obedience. You win the battle, no matter what – even when it’s hard and exhausting. If you win now when he’s four, you’ll find it much easier to win when he’s bigger. My two most stubborn preschoolers are now my calm, mild mannered teenagers. (We’re still working on the 11 year old, who didn’t become strong-willed until he turned 7. Sheesh! We’re getting there, though.)
 
2. We have worked with our boys to help them understand this strong will that they have. Having a strong will isn’t a bad thing – not at all. But when one of our sons uses it for ugliness or to defy us – that is bad. We’ve explained that God gave him his strong will (kind of like his very own super power!) to use for good, to stand up for what is right, to be a leader – and helped him understand that he has to be careful to use that super power for God’s glory – not to get his way. If nothing else, maybe this idea will help you as the parent (if it’s too difficult a concept for your 4 year old). A strong will really is a good thing when used properly. Oh, but it’s exhausting sometimes when you’re in the heat of the battle with a child! (Undoubtedly, it’s best to have the full conversation during a calm time, so that you can give quick cues like, “Use your super power for God’s glory!” for the moments your child is struggling to obey.)
 
3. Obviously, do everything out of love. But when your child is being defiant, don’t feel like you need to coddle, reason with, explain yourself, or ask him “how this makes him feel” (at least generally speaking). I did too much of that, wondering where I had gone wrong to make him behave that way. Therefore, I felt like we needed to discuss his feelings in depth each time he was defying us. Finally, I just realized that the stinker was being downright naughty, just wanted his way, and needed discipline – not discussion. I saved a lot of energy once I realized that – and went straight to consequences because ultimately, that is what he was asking for and needed. Discussion took place later, if necessary. It worked so much better!
 
And then, any time he is being sweet and kind, praise him and enjoy that time with him. Those happy times will come more and more often, I promise!
 
What have been your experiences with defiant children? What advice would you give to parents dealing with strong-willed kids?
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How To Teach Your Small Child to Put on a Coat

January 19, 2012 by Laura 23 Comments

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Today, we get to enjoy a blast from the past. Three years ago, I posted about the “Coat Trick” we’ve always used to teach our little bitty kids how to put their coat on by themselves. My little bitty kids are not so little bitty anymore, therefore, they no longer use the coat trick. (Although, I do think it would be funny to see my lanky 5’10” fourteen year old see if he can still do it.)

Our littlest guy is now seven, which means that he was barely four at the time of this original post. The quality of the video below is not great, but it may give you a better idea of how the coat trick is done. And now…how to teach your small child to put on a coat:

First, lay down the coat with the outside part of the coat touching the floor. The neck of the coat should be facing your child. The child puts his arms into the sleeve holes of his coat…

coattrick1sm.JPG

And flips the coat over his head.

coattrick2sm.JPG

He adjusts his sleeves…or you adjust them for him.

coattrick3sm.JPG

Then he wipes his nose with his sleeve. (This step is optional.)

coattrick4sm.JPG

Tada! Coat is on.

coattrick5sm.JPG

Here’s a video, which is a much easier way to see how the Coat Trick works. It takes all of 14 seconds to watch. Please be sure to admire Malachi’s silly face as he prepares to show you the Coat Trick on video. The silly face part of the Coat Trick is also optional. :)

Ever used the coat trick? Is it just me or are my babies all growing up? {sniff}

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Involving Your Kids in Making Financial Decisions

November 30, 2011 by Laura 5 Comments

This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, please see our disclosure policy.

Since I just shared about shopping and budgeting with my kids, and about using DoughMain to help teach your kids about finances, I thought I would answer one reader’s question about discussing major financial decisions with our kids. I hope you’ll share your thoughts on this matter too!

Tracy asked this question after I posted about a big financial decision my husband and I had made recently:

I had a question regarding the big decision you and Matt recently made regarding not purchasing a local property. Did you share the details of your decision or the decision making process with your boys? Just asking because I wonder how much is enough or too much for kids to know about, especially regarding financial decisions. I ask because I am not at that point yet, but I will be someday.

Our boys are now 14, 11, 9 and 6. While I would say that the majority of this particular decision-making discussion took place between just Matt and me, we did share a good part of the conversation with our boys. We felt that it was important that they know what we might be taking on if we did buy that building. Purchasing this commercial property would have effected our lives dramatically. Since our boys are old enough to understand much of what this purchase would mean, it could have been a big blow to them if we’d just worked on it after they were in bed, and then suddenly announced that we’d purchased a building. In addition, we were even encouraging Asa, our oldest, to be an “investor” with us in this since he’s done a good job of earning and saving. Matt talked through that process with him in detail.

In the end, Matt and I made the decision on our own – well, with God’s help, but without our boys help – not to purchase this building. After the decision was made, we then discussed with our boys the reasons for our choice. We felt that it was very important that they understood why we chose not to make this investment and how we came to these conclusions. They needed to hear about our thought process, and even some of the dollar figures so that they could have a clearer picture of how we had arrived at our decision. Our six year old became much more interested in his Legos about five minutes into the discussion, but we kept talking to our older boys until they had no more questions.

I’d love to hear how you handle decision-making in your family, financial or otherwise.

How much is too much (or too little) to share with your kids when making a major family decision?

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The Joy of Boys

August 21, 2011 by Laura 79 Comments

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The following is an article I wrote for our local paper a couple of years ago, but never actually posted here. I’m often asked if I regret not having daughters. Though my life is void of pink hair bows, sweet dresses, paper dolls and braids (all things I dreamed of enjoying with my little girls before God gave me this passel of boys), I can answer truthfully that I do not for a minute doubt that God knew exactly what he was doing when he continued to bless us with boys. My life is full of joy – The Joy of Boys…

The Joy of Boys

When our first baby was born a boy, I was very happy knowing that any other children we would have in the future would be under the protection of an older brother. When our second baby was born a boy, I was glad our oldest son now had a brother to play with. When our third baby was born a boy, I decided that God must have something special in mind for our family. THREE boys?

When I was pregnant with our fourth baby, you can just guess what everyone around me was saying. “Finally going to have a sister for all those boys?” or “I bet you’re sure hoping for a girl this time!”

When our fourth baby was born a boy, they laid him on my chest, and all my husband and I could do was laugh for joy that God had given us yet another son!

Boys are so sweet. Boys love their Mamas like crazy. Boys think their Daddys are the best. Boys….ah boys. Boys bring such joy.

The Joy of Boys

I love how boys play (now that I’m used to it!). Our house is usually noisy, rough and fast – there’s not a lot of tip-toeing or sitting down quietly to color pictures at the table.

Generally…I find that the male greeting (between my boys and all of their friends who come over to play) has little to do with words and a lot to do with grabbing onto and pulling one another down to the floor into an immediate wrestling match.

I’ve learned to look the other way, smile, and shake my head about so many things that I used to fear would turn into a trip to the Emergency Room. Boys play rough – they can’t help it. They make noise. It oozes out of their pores. Rolls of wrapping paper become swords or light sabers. Toast and grilled cheese sandwiches are chewed into the shape of little guns. Math books become drums. Little pink erasers become race cars.

Everything (everything) becomes a competition:  who can finish their milk first, who can put their jammies on the fastest, who can get from the kitchen to the living room without touching the floor.

It’s one big, loud, ball game at our house all day long – and I wouldn’t trade it for all tea parties in Boston.

I consider it a huge honor to be the mama of boys. Boys who we pray will grow up and be Godly leaders some day. Boys who we pray will be Godly husbands and daddys some day.

Oh, and some day, when my boys grow up and get married…I’ll have daughters. I’ll take them shopping and we’ll cook and do hair together.

Until then, I’ll just continue to feed mountains of mashed potatoes and huge stacks of pancakes to all these boys while they make all the noises with their armpits that they are so good at making and while they laugh at all the things boys can’t help but think are funny.

They are…boys.

Boys who have completely and totally won my heart.

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Healthy, Homemade Baby Food

June 7, 2011 by Laura 41 Comments

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(No, this post is not a hint toward what our boys’ surprise was. Oh my. I simply get a lot of reader questions regarding what to feed baby. That’s it. Our surprise was much less exciting than a baby announcement – I’ll post about it tonight!)  :)

Pureed Bananas:  Ripe bananas run through my food processor until smooth – great for baby!

Ah, the memories. I used to always make food for my babies, back when my babies were babies. I still make food for my babies, but my oldest baby is 14 now. He prefers steak to pureed veggies. He’d also like to know when I’ll stop calling him my baby. (The answer is never, but I do try to avoid saying it in front of “the guys”. I’m not that uncool.)

Before I talk about making baby food, first I’ll quickly share what I don’t recommend feeding babies (but keep in mind I’m just a mom, not a doctor):

  • Any kind of sugar before age one and really, do they need much after that?
  • Salt, unless it’s a very pure form of sea salt and then, very little
  • Grains, even the baby cereal that’s usually recommended. It fills ’em up, but their little tummies have a hard time digesting rice, oats and other grains, which can cause digestive issues now or later. I say wait on the grains if you can.

Making baby food is super simple, very inexpensive and takes very little time. One of the easiest foods to make for baby is Pureed Squash. You can read how to make pureed squash here. Making sweet potatoes is just as simple:

To Make Sweet Potatoes: Scrub them, stab them, bake them in a covered dish for about an hour, then peel them and puree them. So easy!

Pureeing green beans or peas are a little trickier as the “skin” kinda hangs around and keeps the food from being smooth. After failed attempts at making pureed green beans and peas, I found it easier to wait a little while before offering these to my babes. They made the perfect “finger food”. Frozen peas, by the way, are yummy and great if Baby is teething!

The one way I found to get green beans and peas into my little guys before they were old enough for “finger food” was to use a Kidco Baby Food Grinder. Man, I loved that thing. Whatever I had cooked or fixed for the rest of us to eat – green beans, peas, potatoes, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, apples, pears, bananas, peaches, nectarines (do I need to keep listing them?) – I’d stick it in my Kidco Baby Food Grinder and have instant baby food that my boys would eat faster than I could make! The “skin” or any difficult to eat part of the food would be “ground out” and the soft baby food would rise to the top. If you have a baby and you don’t have a Kidco Baby Food Grinder, I really, really recommend getting one!

Also, one of my very smart cousins told me about the BabyCook, which appears to have been invented after my babies needed pureed food, hmph. I’ve seen the BabyCook in action and it’s about as cool as they come. With the BabyCook, you can very quickly steam veggies, reheat food – even defrost food to make a healthy, quick meal for baby. Once the food is steamed, you can use the BabyCook to puree it to any desired consistency. Babies nothin’. I’m thinking I need one of these for me!

I used to always freeze pre-made baby food in ice cube trays, pop them out and re-warm them for a quick meal. It worked pretty well, but I’d love to hear if anyone else has a more efficient method of making baby food ahead of time?!

And, while we’re on the subject of baby food, I wanted to mention what another smart cousin showed me last week. Homemade baby food is great, but sometimes a little convenience on the go is a good thing. Have you seen these cool little Baby Food Pouches from Ella’s Kitchen? (Or here are some other ones I found from HappyBaby). Really, where were these things when my babies were babies?

Share your favorite baby food making, freezing, storing and serving tricks!

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Teach Your Children Scripture – Podcast #10

April 14, 2011 by Laura 24 Comments

This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, please see our disclosure policy.

You get a big bonus during today’s podcast:  the WHOLE family joins in! Yup…I figured instead of me just talking about how we teach our kids scripture and memory verses…I’d let you listen to part of the process! :)

Months ago, I mentioned a little activity we do as a family called “Repeat-Afters” and several of you have asked for more details. “Repeat-Afters” have been a part of our family life since all of our kids were little bitty, as a way to help them learn scripture. We love this family tradition, which takes place usually during lunch or dinner time. 

I hope you enjoy this…especially listen for the nice “whistle by Malachi” at the end of our little family session. We almost edited that out, but what fun would that be? :)

Grab some laundry to fold or kick back for a few minutes while you enjoy our new podcast!

Heavenly Homemakers Podcast #10

Please share some of the things you do as a family to teach scripture to your children!

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Toys for Boys? Are Guns Okay? Podcast #9

March 11, 2011 by Laura 42 Comments

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Ah, one of my favorite subjects. Through the years, we’ve been asked many times what we feel are the best toys for boys. Do we allow our boys to play with guns? As Christians, do we feel like this is okay? What about transformers? Swords? Is all that violence good for them?

These are the questions I address in this latest podcast. 

One thing I forgot to mention (probably because I was all wrapped up in talking about how many light sabers we have):  LEGOS! I was addressing other questions, so Legos just didn’t come up. But of all the favorite toys we have in our house…we just LOVE our Legos. They are well worth the investment and make wonderful gifts for our boys. 

But back to the guns and swords (which of course Legos can easily be built to resemble)…

Heavenly Homemakers Podcast Nine

Share your thoughts! Do you have boys? What do you let them play with?

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Teaching Little Ones About God? Podcast #7

January 28, 2011 by Laura 13 Comments

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Did you wonder if I’d ever get around to recording another podcast? I have lots of excuses as for why it’s been weeks and weeks since recording. Maybe I’ll write those down for you in my spare time. ;)  But lookie what I got in the meantime! Char, my wonderful friend and talented designer, made me a pretty podcast graphic. I LOVE it!

If you’re new to the Heavenly Homemakers site and would like to check out my previous podcasts, you can find them all here. As always, I encourage you to grab some laundry to fold while you’re listening, hop on the treadmill, or do something else equally productive so that you can multi-task. For the record, I believe that sitting down and putting your feet up to rest and listen is very productive as well. Rest is a good thing.

The purpose of our podcasts is to encourage us all on our journey as Heavenly Homemakers while I answer some of the questions I receive from readers. Today’s question is regarding how to teach our teeny-tiny kids about God. I don’t have any teeny-tinies anymore (says the lady whose oldest son can almost look her directly in the eyes)…but I think it was just yesterday that I did. I share in the podcast some of the ways we talked to our kids about God from the time they were newborns.

I’ve gotta throw out a huge thank you to my husband Matt who does the majority of the work to make these podcasts happen. I record myself…then  he spends the time to splice in the music and make everything time out just right…and he is kind enough to edit out a ridiculous number of “ums” and “you knows” that I you know, don’t mean to um…say. You know?

Simply click on the link below to listen. This particular podcast lasts a little over seven minutes.

Heavenly Homemakers Podcast #7

I mentioned Songs for Saplings in the podcast so I thought I’d post the link here to make it easy for you to find if you’re interested! Also, I mentioned reading Bible books to your little ones. I love all of the Little Golden Books that are Bible related, so I’ve added that link too:  Children’s Little Golden Bible Books

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What Matters Is My Kids

September 16, 2010 by Laura 49 Comments

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There are many things in my life that are important. There are many things that have to be done. There are great events to attend. There are many people in my life that I love and want to spend time with. There are hurting people everywhere. There are so many hurting people that my heart aches to feed them all, clothe them all, counsel them all and house them all. But I can’t do it all. 

I’ll choose to let go of the guilt.

I have to make choices and above all I have to choose my kids. They are the ministry God has given me and when all is said and done…what matters is my kids.

It doesn’t matter that no matter how hard I try, the laundry is never caught up. It doesn’t matter that the dishes constantly pile up by the sink, even though I’m pretty sure I wash dishes all day. It doesn’t matter that there are dirty windowsills and…what is that stuck to the pantry door? Oh well…it doesn’t matter.

What matters is my kids.

It doesn’t matter that I can barely get through writing this article because my kids keep coming in and interrupting me. They want to tell me about the game they’re playing together. They want to remind me about what happened at the soccer game. They want to ask what I’m making for dinner. I’ll stop what I’m doing and look at their faces and I’ll talk to them because it truly is a joy that they love talking to me. The article can wait.

What matters is my kids.

In the big picture, it really is okay that the emails are piled up even though I hate it that so many people have to wait for weeks for me to respond. It really is okay that I’m never caught up with my work and it really is okay that even though I’m working really, really hard…I can’t do it all. I’ll stop sweating all the details in my life that cause me to worry and get worn out. The details don’t matter.

What matters is my kids.

I’ll let go of the guilt and the pressure I feel about all the jobs around me that are left undone and instead focus my heart on my husband. I’ll cherish him and serve him and meet his needs and enjoy him. I’ll make our very limited time together meaningful because keeping our relationship alive and sweet is incredibly important. 

Because more than anything, it matters to the kids.

And they don’t care that we’re having pancakes and eggs for dinner again or that the living room is covered with boxes and bubble wrap mixed with lego men and building blocks. They don’t care that there are scuffs on the walls (they put them there after all) and they don’t care if the scuffs stay there forever.

What matters to them is the security of knowing that their mom loves them and takes care of them and laughs with them and trains them and prays with them and reads to them and talks to them. What matters to them is their mom understands one very important thing which is…

What matters is my kids.

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Favorite Chapter Books for Beginning Readers

September 8, 2010 by Laura 6 Comments

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ramona

Once my kids have mastered learning to read simple books on their own, jumping into beginning chapter books feels like such an accomplishment for them. They think it is so cool to say, “Mom, I just read two chapters!” or “Wow, this book has twelve chapters in it!” Never mind that the chapters might be three pages long with large print. Reading “chapter books” is a really big deal for kids and a wonderful way to transition them toward bigger chapter books.

Read the rest of this article over at Deal Moon….

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