Heavenly Homemakers

Encouraging women in homemaking, healthy eating and parenting

The Importance of One-on-One Time With Your Kids

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One-on-one time with your kids? What’s that??

First let me say that I’ve learned that finding one-on-one time with my spouse during these intense parenting years is even more important than finding individual time with my kids. Both are needed, of course. But we are better parents when we’ve set our marriage on a firm foundation, together, on purpose.

So here we are, my husband and me, juggling lots of kids and lots of life and lots of God’s goodness. God has been teaching us how to truly “love our neighbor,” which has provided countless, beautiful opportunities to serve people while striving to keep in step with the Spirit and seek the will of God. Our kids join us in these endeavors and hmm, did I mention that we homeschool? We also work for a living. Details, details.

Instead of saying, “We are SO BUSY!” we like to say, “We live a full, blessed life!” God is perfectly good and faithful. I can’t stop being overjoyed about His provision in our lives.

In the midst of it all, we have two adult sons in college and two teens still living at home. There’s a lot of coming and going and going and coming. (I’m talking about both food and schedules, of course, as it all comes and goes at a rapid rate at our house.)

So one-on-one time with our kids?

How is it even possible? Why is it actually necessary?

I’ve been privileged to be with my kids for many hours of the day for their entire lives, thanks to the blessing of homeschooling and working from home. But even with that, it’s very easy to let busyness create a disconnect. Our schedules can be so hectic that sometimes we look back and realize we haven’t sat down as a family to eat a meal at the table together for over two weeks. Or maybe we have, but we’ve had guests and while that’s a beautiful thing, we still must take a few steps back in order to regroup and check in with one another.

One-on-one time with our kids? It’s a special zone. It’s extra comfortable. It’s relaxed. Fun.

It’s the place where no one has to wait their turn, share the attention, vie for position, or talk louder in an effort to be heard. Learning to share space is necessary for building character and preparing for a life of unselfish living. But sometimes, it’s truly good to be able to look one another in the eye and be heard without a, “Hold on, I’ll get to you as soon as I can.”

I’ve found that my relationship with each of my sons is better because of one-on-one time we’ve been able to eek out through the years. When they were little, it meant going out on special dates once every few months.

Sometimes it meant kicking everyone else out of the kitchen so we could bake something special together. After all, there’s no need to spend extra money – just extra time.

Sometimes it meant that only one boy got to go grocery shopping with me that day.


It always meant precious conversation. Undivided attention. A re-connection that couldn’t always happen in a house full of flying nerf bullets and full calendars.

As our lives evolve and our children launch, I’m more convinced than ever that being available for our kids and being open to one-on-one conversation produces rich and safe relationships.

So we’ll grab a cup of coffee together every chance we get, even if it’s in a chipped mug at our own crumb-covered table. This mom needs it and I’m pretty sure my long-legged sons do too.

Here’s to rich, precious, God-filled one-on-one moments with our kids, no matter their age, no matter our season.

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The Time Matt and I Talked About What Dating Should Look Like For Us (Plus, You Could Win a “Date Night!”)

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A few weeks ago, we discussed dating in marriage. (And by we I mean you and me, not Matt and me.) Remember that?

Let's Talk About Dating

I loved this discussion because it was so good for me to hear what so many of you are doing to keep your marriage strong. That so many are being intentional, recognizing that a marriage relationship doesn’t take care of itself without two people being dedicated to its care – well, it blessed me to hear your thoughts.

And then, without warning, I became discouraged.

What is it about hearing what others are doing that can sometimes make us feel that we aren’t doing enough or doing it right? Why, when we hear what works for others, do we sometimes choose to feel bad if that very thing isn’t working for us?

Good grief. I know better. But shoot. Some of you actually have dates with your spouse every single week. You’re super creative with your time together. You’ve found fantastic ways to fit dating into your schedule. Even better – it is an actual, non-negotiable part of your weekly schedule. And then there’s Matt and me. We rarely find time for dates, struggle to create alone time, often have unfinished conversations.

So does this mean that surely our marriage is doomed and that we, as a couple, must be a complete mess?

Oh, for real.

my heart

There’s no doubt we will always have room for improvement in our relationship. Sometimes we struggle. Sometimes we don’t communicate well. We’ll continue to go through various seasons in and levels of busyness in life. Sometimes there is more time to connect, and sometimes we need to be more creative.

It is so important to recognize that what works for one might not work for another. It’s also so very important to be open to learn and willing to grow. That’s why I loved this dating discussion with you. I learned. I was encouraged (I mean, at first, you know, until I got silly and let myself feel inferior to your awesomeness).

So then I did what I should have done in the first place. I talked to my husband about it.

I’d been praying about this area in our marriage – simply because we are very, very busy and are very involved with several ministries and all of our kids’ stuff and all of our work – and I’d been feeling too much of a disconnect between the two of us lately. Like we’d been spending time together but not really spending time together, you know? So here’s what we did, and brace yourself – maybe even prepare yourself to take notes – because this date suggestion is one for the books:

I hopped in his truck with him while he headed to the gas station to fill his gas cans with fuel for his lawn mowers.

You guys.

He in his grease-stained work clothes. Me in…probably something that didn’t match. Gasoline fumes all around us. It was, quite obviously, the ten minutes of date time I had been longing for.

We discussed and decided that this is where it’s at for us right now: stealing away for a few moments whenever we can even if it doesn’t look pretty. Matt knew the dating topic had been on my mind for a while so in between gas can fill-ups he said, “Define date.” And I was like, “This. Going to the gas station with you. Doing anything with you. I don’t even care. We don’t need to spend any money on dates, ever. I just want us to figure out how we can have more time together focused on each other.”

Ironically – the very week after this discussion, not one but two families randomly blessed us with “thank you gifts” in the form of gift certificates to local restaurants. Um, hi God. 

We definitely decided we would have to be intentional about this each week since no two weeks ever look the same for us. It is best for us to look at our days as each new week begins and figure out together when we can block out time during the week for a “date.” Honestly, sometimes this means something as simple as sitting in the van alone together after we’ve arrived home from a family activity. (Mom? Dad? You guys coming? Nope.) And sometimes it means we actually dress in something cute and go to a restaurant to order something yummy.

What if it doesn’t have to be normal? What even is normal anyway?

After our most recent restaurant gift certificate date, Matt grabbed his flashlight as we got back into the van. “Would you mind heading over to the property where I’ve been working and holding the flashlight for me while I go down into the crawl space to access the damage? I kind of need to get that done so I can turn in an estimate.”

I giggled because, this. This is our normal.

I sure do love my hard working guy. So what if our date time looks different from your date time and your date time looks different from our date time? Either way, I still love hearing what you are doing. I love getting new ideas, and most importantly, I love hearing about couples being intentional about their relationship. I think the point is that we look at our individual marriages with each individual need and we let God lead us in keeping our marriages strong, with His power at work.

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Have FUN With Your Spouse and The “For Married Couples Only” Gift That Keeps on Giving

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You know what I gave Matt for Father’s Day this year? New seat covers for his truck. What? His driver’s seat was coming apart so badly that the stuffing was pulling out every time he stepped out of his truck.

Do I know how to give a practical gift or what?

C’mon. I know I’m not the only practical one around here. You all are frugal minded, practical thinkers like me right? But we doooooo like to have fun, yes?

Having fun with our spouse is so important. (I’m not just talking about that kind of fun. I mean I am. But there’s also stuff like board games and inside jokes about peanut butter. As you can see, I’m one big party.)

The longer I’ve been married and the older our kids get – I’ve gotta tell you – I’ve found it to be a little bit harder to cut loose and have fun. (What can I say? Their needs and schedules take up a lot of my time and energy. And also, I often fall asleep before our teenage boys go to bed. ‘Nuff said.)

I’ve recently been really struck with recognizing the importance of having fun with Matt in front of our kids. They need to see that married fun is THE BEST. I want them to look forward to married fun and know that it never ends.

So, fun with my spouse while the kids are around:

  • I flirt with him. It’s all in the eyes…and eye brows. Or something like that.
  • We laugh at inside jokes and the kids have no idea why we are laughing. (Obviously, every time we do this they think we are the coolest adults ever and they are so proud to call us their parents.)
  • We let the kids catch us kissing.
  • I throw my legs over onto Matt’s lap while we’re all sitting in the living room for family prayer time or to watch a movie. It’s all appropriate – and the kids need to know that we dig each other and like to snuggle even though we’re really old and have been married for a really long time.

And now let’s just briefly (and quietly) talk about fun with the spouse while the kids aren’t around.

Aside from the times we find to leave the kids at home while we go for a walk together, alone time pretty much has to be scheduled in these days since I typically stop accurately finishing sentences at 9:30 and then become comatose by 10:00 at night while my kids are saying, “Really, Mom? You’re tired already?” (If we could only tuck them in with a kiss at 8:30 like we used to. Crazy, energetic, awake teenagers.)

So quiet, alone time with Matt is harder to come by but is more important than ever at this stage is our lives. We need it. The kids need to know we need it. And while the kids mean the world to us – our marriage means even more.

Therefore, we schedule alone time together – at home if at all possible. Let me tell you something. We don’t need a restaurant. We don’t want a movie. We don’t need to go anywhere we might have to share our alone time with other people. We’re selfish like that. (Or smart. Take your pick.) Maybe when we’re empty-nesters we’ll choose to go where the people are for special outings. Right now, while the alone time is rare, we jump at a chance to look at and talk to no one but each other.

No matter how old your kids are, I’m guessing maybe you can relate.

So can I tell you one of the neatest blessings we’ve happened upon recently? We received a gift of Melt: Massage Video Series a few months ago. Normally I wouldn’t look twice at something like this. Lessons in massage? Eh. Matt has always done a great job rubbing my tight muscles and treating me to a loving back rub.

But you know what? These videos have been a wonderful gift for our marriage and our alone time together. When I think about how much money we haven’t spent on “going out” on dates – I believe the investment in this series quickly pays for itself and truly becomes the gift that keeps on giving.

melt

No need to question the appropriateness of these videos. While I do only recommend these for married couples – simply because loving massages like this are intimate – these are very tastefully done. They are created by a professional and simply teach great massage techniques. They have offered some very special moments for us in our alone time.

Better yet? We’ve been able to take what we’ve learned from this series and enjoy the treat of a massage without the benefit of scheduling it in. This series has taught a 30 minute, a 15 minute, and even a 5 minute massage! How about that? Perfect for busy (and tired) parents who want to spend time loving on each other whenever they can find a spare moment.

Consider looking into this lovely resource. Our friends at Melt know that you appreciate a deal – because I told them that you did. :) Frugal and practical – that’s who we are here at Heavenly Homemakers, right? So for six days only, they are offering us a 20% discount on their Melt: Massage for Couples Video series.

Click here to learn all the details. You’ll even find some fun freebies there while you’re at it. Then you’ll be well on your way to massage wonderfulness.

I dare say, while Matt is really enjoying his Father’s Day truck seat covers, he appreciates even more when I tear myself away from all my other responsibilities (I’m talking to you – busy teenagers) and take the time to focus all my attention on him. I’d love to hear how you and your spouse find alone time to spend together during this season in your lives.

This post is sponsored by Couples Massage Courses. It is a pleasure to work with them and learn from them.

Heavenly Homemaker's Club Members: Access your homepage and all your fantastic resources here! Not a member yet? Please join us!