I have an almost 19-year old and a 16-year old, a 14-year old and an 11- year old. All boys. Four very, very good looking boys. {Laura pauses to take a deep breath.} Someday I suppose you and I can discuss teenage dating or courtship or whatever we choose to call it. But today, that’s not where I’m asking advice.
Today I want to talk about myself. And you, too. About how a married couple can possibly keep dating a priority. Or if dating really matters once you’re married. And if it does matter, what it is supposed to look like. And about when in the world I might possibly find a moment to have more than a five-minute conversation with my favorite man that doesn’t end with me falling asleep in the middle of his sentence at night.
Let’s talk about married couple dating stuff
Matt and I are very intentional about keeping our marriage healthy. We love everything having to do with the subject of marriage. God has given us the opportunity to offer several classes in our home for young married couples. A few years ago He even opened the door for us to begin couple-to-couple pre-marital mentoring, where we spend many weeks with an engaged couple, tackling all the subjects of marriage from the blissful to the challenging.
We’ve watched and guided as couples dive into some very deep waters together and we all experience God at work. It is amazing to be a part of this. Through it, Matt and I have had to fight our own spiritual battles. The enemy doesn’t want our marriage to win, and he certainly doesn’t want us to influence others toward God’s way. God’s victory has been great over all of this, and just about every time I speak of it, I get teary eyed. (Like right now. Tears. I love how God heals, redeems, restores, and helps us thrive.)
So dating.
Of all the subjects we tackle with engaged and married couples, rarely do we talk about dating each other once you’re married. Then last month while talking to a godly couple who has been married longer than we have, they brought up the subject of dating. The husband stated, “My wife and I go on a date every single week.” Oh yeah, that’s nice, really great. Wait. EVERY SINGLE WEEK???
What? Do they have more time on their hands than we have? More money? Fewer commitments? I don’t even get it. Matt and I can barely find time to go out together more than twice a year.
I know that various ideas work for some and not others, so sometimes we need to listen with an open mind, pray, and then move on if the advice isn’t something we can go with. Yet I can’t let go of it. This advice. Why can’t I drop this subject out of my brain and move on?
Because perhaps this is the Spirit at work?
There’s no doubt Matt and I would love to spend more one-on-one time together. Now that our kids are older, we’re finding it harder – not easier – to make time for dates. Now, we are blessed to work from home together and school our boys at home together, so we are together many hours of the day. Plus we serve together in almost all of the ministries we are involved in. We’re so thankful for this teamwork way of life. But actual dates? They’re pretty rare.
This has become a prayer focus for me. While I’m not convinced that we must go out on a date every single week in order to make our marriage thrive – I do desperately seek more time with my guy. I want it, need it, and there’s no doubt it would be a blessing.
I’d love to hear from you on this.
I’m curious to hear from you whether you are a newlywed, have been married for 70 years, or are somewhere in between. Even if you aren’t married I want to hear from you because I bet you’ve seen great examples in other couples. We can all benefit from hearing what is working (or what isn’t working) from couple to couple.
Do you date your husband? How often? What are your favorite kind of dates? What works for you?
P.S. I’ve listed several of our marriage posts and free resources here if you’d like to check them out.
beetree says
Love this! We are coming up on 20 years in September, and have six children ages 18, 16, 13, 11, 8 and 4. It IS hard to find time. We are in ministry and yes, the older the kids get the busier things become. We have scheduled two nights a week that happen- date night and family night. Sometimes date night means catching a cup of coffee at a local bistro. Sometimes I sneak out and meet him somewhere right after he gets off work (because before 5 there is an awesome fish taco place that has two-for-one tacos before 5!). SOMETIMES…we make dinner, barricade the garage door shut, and watch a movie. The important thing is time….where we can actually complete sentences (or a movie!) without interruption. The kids know it’s important, and have even asked if we were going out (because you need it!). We’ve even just taken a drive before w/hot coffee in a thermos and parked somewhere pretty just to talk and hang out…it doesn’t have to cost anything. God will help you see when you can carve some time to keep those heartstrings strong. :)
Kelly in Oregon says
I’ve always loved The Frugal Girl’s takeout date nights – inexpensive and doesn’t have to take the whole evening… but ensures you get some time together alone once a week to talk! http://www.thefrugalgirl.com/2011/07/how-and-why-we-do-takeout-date-nights/
Lissa says
My husband and I have been married 34 years and during all the years the children were at home, we went on a weekly date. Always. I had read somewhere that the best way to raise emotionally healthy children was to make your marriage a priority. I don’t think we struggled to find the time to do this because it was clearly a priority. In life (and in relationships in particular) we always find time for the things that we choose to make a priority. I have quite a few friends that are have children that are teens or younger and they are always very stressed about how busy they are. They don’t have time for their marriage the way they would like and they can’t be as involved as they would like at church. I have gently pointed out that they have chosen these things: their kids play all the sports and their lives cycle through the sports seasons. The kids are active in music lessons and are talented. The kids have many friends and someone always wants to have someone other or go to a party. The father’s job requires some traveling. The mom works full or part-time. They serve on boards, are elders, are on the Vestry at church. Are involved in their kids schools. My point is: parents have to choose. You can’t be that busy and put your marriage first. Thing about all the things that changed when you first met your beloved one! (Studying…) And I think IMHO that kids should see parents putting their alone time and marriage ahead of their desires to play every sport, be on the go all the time, do all the things at church, etc. Our best friends frequently have to change plans with us or their own time away because they are at the beck and call of their sons’ social plans. My parents did things together as a couple and/or with friends every single Friday and Saturday. Sundays were family time. As a parent now, it feels a bit extreme, but I also respect that they had a life and a marriage that deserved attention.
Dating your spouse doesn’t have to be whole evenings like it was pre-kids! But taking a picnic for lunch ALONE. Meeting up for coffee for an hour ALONE. Telling the kids that if they want to do something on Friday that will require transportation, they will have to arrange it themselves as you are unavailable is totally justifiable. I frequently fed the children early, told them to clean up the kitchen and we went out!
Not to imply that our kids were orphans….haha…our house was always filled with their friends and I swear–the refrigerator door was constantly open. But we set boundaries.
Parents that do not care for their marriages during the kid years find themselves in for a huge shock when the last one leaves the nest. I have a married sibling who has not adjusted at all to having all their children leave. They don’t know what to talk about because everything for 25 years has been all about jobs and family and all the stuff that goes with it. Marriage is so wonderful when the kids leave (LOVE having them come home and love having them return to their own lives)…but you have to lay the groundwork from the very beginning.
Just my 2 cents…
K Ann Guinn says
Amen and amen!!! :)
Kadee says
We’ve been married 25 years and have 3 kids, ages 9-13. Dates for us are trips to Costco or Home Depot without the kids. Yeah, we need some work in this area.
Sheri says
I remember at a church thing one time, the speaker was talking about watching in church as mom and dad got separated on the bench by 1 child, then 2, 3, etc, then it started reversing as kids left the nest. He said he didn’t want to get back beside his wife and wonder who the stranger he had his arm around was. That’s always stuck with me. We’re really bad about going on dates (honestly, after 21 years, kids 18, 16, 13, 10 and 3, I’m way too quick to get lazy about it) but if we don’t make it a priority, it’s easy to start feeling like we’re living parallel lives instead of being one.
6SweetViolets says
We’ve got 6 kids 14yrs-4mo., with 3 under 5, and I’ve loved that throughout our nearly 16 years of marriage my husband has always made sitting beside me at church a priority. It’s a little thing, and our young ones sit on our laps, but he can put his arm around me, we can (sometimes) :) hold hands during prayers, and grin about funny things that go on during the service (our congregation’s little guys go forward to give their money to a mission and it’s so cute!)… The little things we do keep us close (we sit by each other at the dinner table, too, flanked by little guys we help, but we do get in some conversation), and I love the reminder to date more, and keep family nights a priority. We’re at 1-2 per month and are working on scaling back in other areas to do more together.
Elise says
My husband and myself have been married for 8 years and have a five year old, a three year old and one on the way. I’m a sahm, homeschool momma and my husband is in the ministry. We hardly have formal dates! With no family around to babysit it makes it hard to find/afford weekly babysitters. We try to make time after the littles go down but it can be hard. Definitely a place we need to take more priority!
Jill says
This is my struggle, too. My boys are 1 and 2 and finding a sitter is hard. Sure we could have some grown up time after they go to bed…but by then we’re too wiped out to do a fun activity or talk about non-kid stuff.
It’s sad because we could *afford* a sitter and an outing regularly….but don’t have access to one.
And all you older ladies who are saying there is LESS time once the kids get older have really depressed me. Waiting for the kids to grow up was my only hope!
Lissa says
Can you share with another family: you watch all the kids one afternoon, and then turn about?
NatalieR says
My husband drives truck so is away quite a bit .. Add on homeschool and no family around and we maybe get to go out once a year. He likes to be home and we are content to just enjoy each other’s company after the children are in bed. We can chat and laugh or say nothing. Together 15 years this summer. I love the thought of regular dating but it’s unattainable in this season so I don’t dwell or I would be resentful and discontented … That’s not where God wants me to be. You don’t need to date to be happily married but you do have to work at togetherness.
6SweetViolets says
Most of our date nights are at home, too. Sometimes we’ll get a take out snack or just a bowl of cereal :) and watch a movie together (with our newborn), and esp. when I’m hugely pregnant I like that we can pause for bathroom breaks, and wear comfortable clothes. Sometimes we go on walks. We love to walk and watch the sky when storms are brewing in the spring, or sit and visit and enjoy the rain and lightning show. After 15 years and 6 kids it’s hard to keep this time a priority, but I’m inspired by this post and comments to keep working on it!
Lillian says
Our kids are older now too, 16 and 13, and I’d say we go out on dates weekly. Sometimes it’s just a two mile nature walk, sometimes it’s a coffee or lunch date, and less common is a nice dinner out. I find it so nice now that we don’t need a sitter!! The kids activities keep us very very busy, but there is always a little time somewhere on the weekend or even for a weekday lunch!
Kathleen says
Wow. What a lot to think about! I admit, my husband and I are not intentional enough about “dates” or even getting time alone. And perhaps this is the Holy Spirit giving me a kick in the behind. I will say that every week my husband has started going grocery shopping with me and we do get that time together to talk and sometimes we stop for a cup of coffee. It’s not termed a “date” by any means, but it has become our routine for a little time alone. We have our 4th baby coming very soon and I have so appreciated that time with him each week. I miss it when he has to work late and I have to go the next day alone or with just the kids.
I think the clear message I am reading is to get the “hearts and flowers” notion of dating out of our heads (though that is nice sometimes too!) and just make sure to make time for one another frequently. It is so easy to get caught up with homeschooling, child rearing, cooking, cleaning, home making, etc. But our husbands need our attention too and we need theirs.
I know that the past 15 years with my husband has been wonderful with a few bumps along the way and I can’t imagine not being with him 15+ years from now. But this post has made me think and I really do appreciate that.
I am rambling and didn’t offer any advice but wanted to say thank you to those who have offered advice. Life is short and our spouse is our life long partner and they must be tended too just as much as our children.
Debbie says
My husband and I will have been married 38 years this July. We have a date night once a week. We find it to be essential. It does not really matter where we go – just that we are together and have time to talk and focus on each other. It does not have to be expensive. When the kids were little we budgeted for a baby sitter or asked Grandma to watch the kids. Sometimes we packed a picnic supper and watched the sunset over the lake, sometimes we went grocery shopping (no kids!), sometimes we window shopped, sometimes we went to Sonic and shared a malt, sometimes we farmed out the kids to Granny and had a night at home to cuddle and watch an old movie. These days we no longer need a sitter as we are almost empty nesters (our youngest is only home from college in the summer and holidays) but we still need date night.
Another thing we do and find to be equally important is to take a short “second honeymoon” once a year. Sometimes just overnight, sometimes a whole weekend. Again, it does not have to be expensive. Last year we spent two nights in a cabin at a state park in an area where we had never been. It was wonderful to explore the trails, see the wildlife, and just be together. Some years we flat out cannot afford to go anywhere and we can tell the difference – there seems to be more friction between us and we do not communicate as well. Pray about it and get creative. It can be done and it is worth it!
Debbie says
My husband and I have been married 37 years. We learned early on that a weekly date night was essential – we are closer, have more patience with each other, and communicate better when we have a few hours out to focus on each other. We could discuss things with no interruptions and make sure we were on the same page on parenting topics. This time together is especially important when the kids are teens.
When they were little we budgeted for a sitter, and when money was tight we asked Granny or one of the aunts to watch them. We did not have much money to spend so we got creative – we packed a picnic and watched the sunset over the lake, we window shopped, we went to the grocery store and shopped in peace, we went shared a malt at the ice cream parlor, we let the kids spend the night with Granny and watched an old movie at home. It did not matter where we went, just that we were together. Now our youngest is in college so we do not need a sitter, but date night is still just as important.
Another thing we do and find to be equally important is to get away once a year for a “second honeymoon”. Sometimes we get a weekend together, sometimes just overnight. Again it does not have to be expensive. Last year we stayed at a cabin in a state park. It was wonderful to walk the nature trails and explore an area we had never been before.
Pray about it and get creative. It can be done and is so worth it!
Debbie says
Sorry this posted twice – my computer froze and I was not sure it posted the first time.
Eunice says
We have been married 14 years. Although we don’t get to go out on date nights often, we NEED intentional weekly times at home to reconnect for sure. Thanks for sharing:)
Lisa says
We have a 12, 13 and 14 year old and have been married for 22 years. We just recently made a weekly date night a priority for us. We picked a day and wrote it on the calendar just like any other event or appointment. My husbands idea was to pick the day of the week that our local movie theater offers discounted tickets in case we ever want to see a movie.
We have had to be careful that it doesn’t turn into “errand night” because it’s so tempting to work on our to-do list “while we are out.” We rotate going out for a nice meal, going to a coffee shop or ice cream shop. We keep it simple and inexpensive. We couldn’t afford to have a nice meal out every single week. Even if we only have an hour or two, we will still go out. You can do a lot of talking in that amount of time when you don’t have any distractions or interruptions.
It’s definitely so very important to make the marriage a priority.
mrs.p says
I have been married for 17 yrs. and counting. Last Friday my daughter stayed with at my mother in law at our house.We went camping and had a wonderful time. We may not get to go anywhere for date but we may have go to the camper that in the front yard or I tell my daughter that her dad and I have private time together and we go to our room and shut the door.
Leanna says
Great timing. We have been married 27 years and are “living in the middle” raising two teenage boys and helping to care for aging parents. While we are not able to go on a date every week we make time to be together when we are home and get out and do something together like grocery shopping. Five years ago when the hubby’s father passed we took on part of the caring of his 79 year old house bound mother. I have been blogging about it at http://livinginthemiddleakasandwich.blogspot.com/ now she has really gone down in health and has accepted that it is now time for hospice home health. We find that just getting away from everything and having an ice cream cone at Dairy Queen helps us to regroup and focus on each other. Thanks for your posts they encourage me.
The How-to Guru {Shan Walker} says
I love this post. I love my husband. I LOVE encouraging busy women to love on their man like there’s no tomorrow over at my site. My hubs and I are pushing 20 years and the older I get, the more the Lord blesses us to grow more in love.
While we don’t have a “set” time to date, we’ve made it a priority to have one night a week that he had a “date” with each of our kids – dinner and then some fun activity together. We make our couple time more sporadic, but make it a point to get out of the house together ALONE at least once a month. It’s also fun to just close yourself off in your room with something great on the tube to just chill together.
It’s all in attitude and priorities in our opinion and we try our best to put it first. Didn’t mean to write a novel! ;)
blessings,
The How-to Guru {Shan Walker}
Karen says
We’ve been married for 24 years and have tried to make meaningful conversations a priority. We run most evenings together and this is a great time to get caught up with each other uninterrupted, with no distractions. I always thought it would be easier when our kids were older, but like you mentioned, with all of our activities it’s crazy busy! We try to go out to eat or even Starbucks a couple of times a month. I’d love for it to be weekly, but it just isn’t right now.
Kimberly says
My husband and I have been married almost 24 years. With 7 kids, things can get kind of crazy. Regardless of a busy schedule, we have a date night scheduled every week on the same day. A consistent date night makes a more consistent marriage. We do change the date night occasionally to meet other commitments, but it is the exception not the rule.
The dates can be simple. They are reconnecting times with your spouse. Grocery shopping, a movie, budgeting, planning, sharing a snack, even bowling will work. You pick based on your schedule and interests. Just remember it is connecting time, not competing time. Remember we take time to work on our hobbies, dating our spouse is working on our marriage.
Not that we can stop doing daily things for each other, dating is just a boost to our relationship.
Christine says
What about going on a walk? It’s quick and free and a great time of year.
Amy says
We’ve been married 20 years and have 5 children. We work hard on our marriage and try to find alone time as often as we can. Our marriage is our top priority right below our individual relationships with the Lord.
However, I think it’s important to note that a marriage CAN be completely God-honoring and healthy with less alone time than has been mentioned in some of the above comments. There are people with little to no recourse for babysitting. There are military spouses whose husbands are gone for a year plus. God’s grace is available for these. seasons of life change; and with them, time management changes. What’s important is being sure we are doing the best we can with the time we have, and that alone-time is a priority. But it looks very different for different people.
Rebecca S. says
“However, I think it’s important to note that a marriage CAN be completely God-honoring and healthy with less alone time than has been mentioned in some of the above comments.”
Thank you for saying this – it encourages me as we are one of those couples in a stressful season with no options for sitters and very little support from others in our lives….
Karen says
Thank you for your comment. My husband works 24/7 and is always needed for his job. We have teenage sons and no extra money for going out. My husband sometimes walks with me but more and more his arthritic knee and hips prevent this. We try to talk when in the car alone while running errands. I hope it will be different, in a good way, someday, and I pray about it every day. It’s easy to feel guilty while reading some of these posts, although I’m sure that’s not intended. God knows my heart and will bless me in my marriage as I try.
Lisa says
I’ve been married for nine years and have five young children, but Friday night is date night! We do not get to go out every week since sometimes finding a sitter is hard, or one of the kids is sick, but we know that even if we are home, all work stops, kids can watch a movie, and we do our best to focus on each other, during a few daytime hours before I fall asleep! It is difficult but we were given the advice at church and from my parents (married 40 years, and I believe it has saved my happiness many times. Monday night is family night, religiously. We have a lesson, sing songs, do an activity and have a treat. It definitely takes sacrifice, but what good thing doesn’t? The rest of the week can fill up with crazy things, but we believe these things are indispensable. I do know that our date nights are Morley likely to be substituted out that our family nights, since it’s Friday-so if a family party happens Friday, we have to pick Thursday or Saturday to go out. For us, if we didn’t have a set day of the week, it wouldn’t happen!
Lm says
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, so I’m not overly experienced. One thing I have learned is that things constantly change. We have always put priority on being together. Before kids and with one baby we drove truck and spent all day, everyday together. We have chosen to pretty much accept no evening activities for our family. We get lots of family time, but couple time– that’s hard. Formally it happens about twice a year. Most days we send the kids to the sandbox to play so mom and dad can visit or we put them to bed early and make us a nice snack to enjoy together in peace and quiet. When the kids were quite little (we had 3 in 4 years) we would give them a peanut butter sandwich when we got home from church and put them in bed while we put some effort into our Lunch.
Tonya says
I love this topic! I feel like you and I have journeyed this whole marriage thing from the beginning, together. We were married the same summer. You had four boys. I have four girls. It’s just so fun!
I make a date out of everything and every time we spend together without our children. I am a night owl but I choose to wake early to be with my morning guy. We have coffee every morning before the kids get up. I am super sad when he has to leave earlier for work because I thrive on the one hour every morning. We travel to a lot, I mean a lot of games and track meets, often just the two of us. We like to try all the small town restaurants a long the way. The car ride to and from is just as much fun as where we go or what we are doing. I have also taken up golf and bike riding so I can spend more time with my BFF. The more time we spend together the more I can’t wait for the next. It turns out that I really like him. Go figure!
SarahGrace says
My husband and I have been married 23 years. 20 of that was spent with him in the AF as active duty. Due to training, deployments, and even his nor current job, I think we’ve spent more time apart than together. We are now together most weekends which is more than what it was the last few years he spent in the military. Even with all our work induced separations, we have a strong, good marriage.
Date night is nice and good, but it’s not absolute necessary to have in order to have a strong marriage. Outside of a relationship with Our Lord, the most important thing in a marriage is communication. Sure, date night can help with that, but it can also mask the lack of good communication. I also think that laughter is WAY up there. Having the same goals for the family, working together, whether you’re in the same house every night or not, loving (not the emotion, but the action of sacrifice and all it entails) each other, and communicating all above is what makes a marriage strong.
Please, don’t think that I am saying we shouldn’t have date night or that they aren’t good. They can be wonderful and refreshing, but that’s not what a marriage hinges upon. There are seasons of life. Some of those seasons are busy, too busy for a weekly date night and that’s okay! No guilt needed. Enjoy the date nights that you are able to have, whether that is once a week or once a year!
Brigett says
My husband and I have a great marriage. Of course we run into snags, but we have always been purposeful about how we “do” married life. That said, we have six kids, so life is extremely full. We will be married 20 years in July!?? Our kids are 16,15,14,12,5, and 16months.???? When the first four were little we had a date night weekly; probably more for our sanity.???? As the kids have grown, we have realized their lives make things even more full. We still try to get out once a month, but we also add in dates to the gas station or a store. It sounds silly, but we are alone and we can still catch up during those few minutes or an hour. I looked forward to those little dates and just the fact that we refer to them as dates makes it more fun. Our kids see our marriage and the way we treat each other. There are many talks about what marriage looks like and sometimes we even have to explain why they aren’t invited on our date, and that isn’t just to the 5 year old.???????? we do go away two nights a year for a homeschool conference and that is something we look forward to every year. I seriously can’t imagine life without that weekend. It’s like a marriage retreat and a homeschool pep rally all at once! ??????It! So, I guess I look at your thoughts and think that you are probably in a good place with your marriage based on your blogs…because that’s all I know. ???? I would tell you to aim at a date night this month and see if it works for you to do another next month. Pencil it in on the calendar. Dates do not have to be expensive either. We would go sit at the beach with a homemade dinner and watch a movie on our Portable DVD player when we had no money. I can guarantee you will love your time away together.
Brigett says
Oops- so much for my emojis. They all turned into question marks.;-)
K Ann Guinn says
So many great comments above, I’m not sure I need to add much (yeah, right, says the one who starts many emails with, “Just a short email”…..and then proceeds to type out a whole page!).
I will say that I agree about sometimes doing cheap or free things. As long as the kids are old enough to stay alone, it gets much easier. We often just make or buy a coffee (yay – coffee!), and go for a drive or sit somewhere and chat.
We also love breakfast out. Funny, because as a kid I begged for a hamburger if we were out for breakfast anytime near 11 am. We used to bring the guys (16 &18 now), but they didn’t really love it and preferred the privilege of staying home along for a couple of hours. It’s now our “go-to” date, about every other Saturday morning. Its so much cheaper than another meal, and we love it. Plus, we can get back in time to still have much of the day.
Also, we’re not great at this, but just choosing a time to be alone together without interruptions is key. I remember one of the first and best parenting courses we took years ago emphasized the importance of the marriage relationship and the kids seeing and respecting the priority. It gives them security. It could be coffee or a meal alone at home, or a designated time each day to connect (working on this; hard, but so necessary!)
My friend with young adult children still living at home says they ask their sons to leave for so many hours (and not come home before!), in order to actually have privacy in their own home, so that can work when they’re old enough to drive.
See, I knew I couldn’t keep it short! Thanks for bringing up such an important topic!
M says
@Jill: Contact local church or college youth ministries to ask for sitter references.
Kristin says
We have 6 children ages 22 down to 3. The 4 still at home are 13,11,6, and 3. What our dating looks like has changed over the years. It has gone from traditional, hiring a sitter and going to dinner and a movie, to very creative. One year I set up a table in our bedroom and my husband brought home take out for an anniversary dinner. We ate away from the kids and houseguest staying with us. Lately we’ve been doing Saturday morning breakfast together. Sometimes I surprise him at work for lunch. And we still enjoy grocery shopping, just the two of us, like others have said. One of our more fun dates was going to our local family fun place with mini golf and arcade games. We had more fun just the two of us than when we take the kids!
Karen says
Our church youth group has provided child care for couples to have date nights. The teens get to serve together, kids have a blast with friends, parents get a night out. Everyone wins,
Susan says
I’ve been married for almost 18 years. I feel like the big change is that my husband and I can’t talk privately. There’s always little (and big) ears listening now. Our kids range from 14 to 2. So it is always refreshing when we can relax and talk about kid issues, future plans,frustrations or what God is teaching us without resorting to codes or emails or lots of additional explanations.
We have a lot of time together as a family and a busy schedule of sports and church commitments. So, we have to make time together as a couple a priority. We still send our older kids to their rooms at a set time most nights so we can have time alone to debrief and relax. We don’t have a set date night but we try to get out as often as we can. One thing that works is going out to breakfast. We give the kids school activities and we go to a local place. This time doesn’t seem to interfere with all our other scheduled activities. And we have 2 old enough to help watch the younger ones so being close, but away from home for an hour or so works well. It really helps our communication and helps us run our family as a team. Maybe it’s just my kids, but they seem to want to know everything. Sometimes we just want to toss ideas around without explaining or “whisper sweet nothings”. And we do actually email some things that need to be discussed but we don’t want the kids to hear. This is just practical at times, but the face to face conversations are so much better.
Alena says
I love this post! Yes, we do try to date. It is now a little easier since our oldest children are old enough to be the baby sitters. We have 8 children, ages 17 down to 3 months. There was a time, though, where sitters were rare and we just couldn’t get out. Sooo…..we invented date nights in! They were so fun and convenient and much cheaper. We even got fancy and would theme them for each other. For example, when it was my turn, I chose a “Garden of Eden” theme. We would usually bring the card table to our room and eat there so the kids could play or watch a movie elsewhere in the house. I hung real fruit on our fake tree in our bedroom as an appetizer. The children helped me hang verses from the first three chapters of Genesis around the room. The kids decorated our bedroom with their stuffed animals. Two of them dressed in white to be angels and guarded our bedroom door before he came in. It was so fun! Let your imagination run wild with this! If the children are all really little, consider putting them to bed a little early or pushing your dinner to a little later if you can. We had a “Ruth /Boaz” theme once. That was fun, too. We started that one on the back patio. It was decorated as a threshing floor. It is always fun to go out, but also consider from time to time staying in and grilling up some steak or something special. The children learned the more we did this and really tried to take care of each other and let us have some time alone. Sweet games or a romantic chic flick are a nice touch as well. Don’t forget though to really look into each others eyes as you discover what is in each others hearts. Read the Bible, pray, talk about family goals or ways to glorify God more in your home. You will be a better mommy by striving to be a better wife. :)
Kris bell says
Hi –
My husband and I found time – maybe not a “date” but time to be together every day in the morning as we got up. He would bring me coffee in bed and then climb back in, too with his coffee. We would laugh and talk and visit and think and plan and yes, smooch etc.
We did this every day for 15 sweet years – until his death in February.
Jessica says
So sorry for your loss. I pray that God brings you solace during this time. How absolutely wonderful that you and your husband had that time together in the morning! It absolutely counts as a date in my book and it is something that is to be treasured. I have to be honest and say I’m not really sure what else to say except that I am so happy you had that wonderful time together and I will be praying for you.
Kris bell says
Thank you for your kind words. We truly had early morning dates, every day :)
Laura says
I’ve been praying for you since I read this last week. You challenge me to appreciate every day. Blessings to you.
Kris bell says
Thank you for your prayers.
Shannon says
My husband and I have been truly blessed in that both sets of grandparents live close by, very close by (as on the same piece of property, we own 17 acres together) and they have always been available as baby-sitters. We have gone on a date night, pretty much every week for the last 25yrs. Of course we only have one child and he is the only grandchild of my parents and the only grandchild this side of the Mississippi for my husbands parents, so no issues with then not WANTING to see him. He just turned 18 and he still spends Friday nights with one or the other of his grandparents. We were concerned that he would balk at this as he got older, but he enjoys they time he spends with them. I know many couples are not this blessed.
I wanted to mention the benefits for our son on this date night thing. He is very, very close to his grandparents. I could almost say they are his best friends. This is important since I’m an only child, so he has no aunts, uncles or cousins from my side and his paternal cousins live a 3 day drive away. We only see my husband’s sister’s family about twice a year. I believe this connection to his grandparents has really been good for him.. Gives him a sense of his heritage.
As I said before, I know we are seriously blessed in our situation, but I think that if a couple can at all make time for a date night it is the most important thing you can do for your marriage. Maybe trade off weeks of babysitting with another couple. Some friends of ours hire a girl from our youth group to stay with their 2 children once a month.
Jessica says
What is dating? I say this tongue in cheek because honestly, my husband and I rarely went on dates BEFORE we were married and now that we are (11 years!) and have five young children, “dates”, don’t happen. This being said, we do find alone time together. I don’t know that we have consciously made alone time a priority, but it is. I crave it, he craves it, we need it, lol :) For us, a ‘date’ is a couple of minutes in the bedroom to talk with the door closed while the kids watch a little movie, it is an hour after the kids are in bed and we sit on the couch and watch a movie, or talk. It is a couple of minutes playing a computer game together. (Yes we are gamers, lol) Sometimes I do wish that we could go on a ‘real’ date. But that doesn’t seem to be our lives, lol. At least not right now. After the kids are all grown, or at least old enough to be left on their own, then sure, maybe a ‘real’ date will happen. But then knowing us, probably not ;)
Regardless, I really think the word date is unfortunately misleading. Sometimes it makes people feel like they aren’t ‘doing enough’ to make their marriage a priority, I KNOW this is not what was intended at all, just something that has happened to me. You hear, oh my husband and I go on a date night every week and I have thought to myself, oh…well…we NEVER go out on a date night. And I think maybe the important thing here is OUT. You don’t have to leave your house to have alone time with your husband. Sometimes it is hard to find that time, but you can find it. We don’t leave our children alone. We have our legitimate reasons for this, but it can make a date a bit of a challenge:) A walk by ourselves isn’t feasible right now, but we do go for walks as a family and try and hold hands occasionally, lol. We have that hour after the kids are in bed to be together, sure it often gets interrupted by a child needing something, but we do get it. I really think that a date is really just time to connect with your spouse. It doesn’t have to be anything other than sitting on the couch together for ten minutes if that is what you can get. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, or exciting, or earth-shattering. It is just time to be together and talk, laugh, argue, deal with the daily struggle, whatever it is for you, is just fine :)
Sorry, that was VERY long-winded and I hope I didn’t offend anyone because I most certainly didn’t mean to! If you can get out of your house for an actual date, good for you! Someday, I hope to as well, lol! If you can’t, work with what you have:) God gave us what we need, we just have to be mindful of what our situations are and remember that God wants us to use where we are to become the person He wants us to be. In our marriages and as individuals. Great topic, Laura, lol.
Rae says
My husband and I have been married for nine years, and we have four kids (5 almost 6 years, 4 years, 19 months, and 5 months). We have had a kid-free date almost every week all of those nine years! Our version of a date is anything (scheduled, not just those random pockets of time you find) that we both enjoy, where we can relax and connect. We only answer the phone if it’s my parents (who have our kids while we are on a date) in case they have a kid emergency. We even leave the fire radios off for those 2-3 hours (my husband is a volunteer firefighter). It’s our time, when no one else is allowed to interrupt. We usually go out to eat, and then go for a walk or play a game together. I can’t imagine life without my date night!!
We are on a fairly tight budget, but one thing I won’t cut is date night. I see it not as money to go eat out, but as money invested in our marriage. We don’t dress up or anything usually. It’s just the fact of it being OUR time, with no distractions, that makes it a great date!
Rachel says
I am a recent widow at 32. My 35 year old husband died of cancer in December, We had been married 8 years. i cherish the memories of our time together and wish we had found a better way to do more quality time together since the birth of our second child so I encourage others to make this a priority life can change overnight. For me it was August 1st when my husband coughed up blood. Fight for the most important things marriage and family.
Laura says
Oh, Rachel. I am so sorry to hear you have experienced this loss. Thank you for your thoughts on this. Praying God’s blessings on you.
Nathana says
We attended one of your young-married couples class and learned a lot! It was a huge blessing to our marriage. We have always built “date” into our budget each month. It looks different from month to month. Sometimes it is a couple small dates, or ordering in pizza, or sometimes springing for a babysitter and doing something on our own for a couple hours (we have only done this less than half the time, and usually because grandparents are watching her). Often we just bring Rebekah with us on our dates . . . This week we went out for a family vision date. My friend watched Rebekah for a couple hours while Mitch and I got ice cream and coffee, prayed, dreamed, and planned. :)
Laura says
All your dates sound awesome! And we LOVED getting to know you guys better during that class. So thankful you were a part of it and that now we are friends. I love hearing what you and Mitch are doing in your ministry and your family (and you with your blog!).
Kristy Moser says
Laura, My husband and I don’t go out often, but I have found that as long as we work at our attachment to each other and God we enjoy being close and learning from/about one another. I have friends that cannot go out because of immune deficiency problems with one of their children, but they have nights that are planned alone time at home that they “date”. I also follow a blog, http://www.thedatingdivas.com, since they have so many people that post there is quite a variety of ideas. I love your blog and enjoy the real-life moments you post. Thank you.
Allie says
My husband and I (married almost six years) aim for 40 dates per year. We are both introverts and know that there are weeks that we won’t feel like going out and would rather stay in, but 40 per year works out to a date nearly every week. We started this last year (and I put it on my list of goals and keep a tally of dates) and I can tell that we are closer than ever. We do have a young son (four) and are hoping to have another – we’ve had four miscarriages in the last year and need the dates to keep us focused on keeping our marriage healthy and keeping our sanity when things are tough (and they have been tough this last year). We’ve done everything from dinner/shopping to local concerts, museum collection openings, IKEA trips, theater performances, and walks in a local park. We have not, however, seen a single movie as a date night in the last two years… when we go out, we want to be able to talk and connect. Yes, we know that paying for a babysitter is expensive – but this is an investment in our marriage, and I can’t think of a much better way to spend our money. We prefer to spend on experiences instead of things anyway. When our marriage is strong, we know our family will be healthier.
Carrie says
I don’t know if this really counts as a “date” but my husband and I walk alone for 15 minutes every evening when he comes home from work. This is only possible because we have a 16 year-old to watch the younger kids. Before we had kids old enough to leave alone, we would walk in circles around the edge of our property.
Jenni says
Great article, and something I’m praying for some more answers to! We do try to have an at-home date night once a week. (favorite meal and a rented movie we watch when our boys are asleep).
We have special needs children and one with severe allergies, we don’t have family where we’ve moved to. We do have my parents that will help watch the boys once or twice a year for us to go to a dinner, so that is nice.
I look forward to the times we attend church, they have a great special needs ministry and our boys all get to interact and have fun! My husband and I get to enjoy the service with a coffee and it is a wonderful hour!!
This is something that is so hard to do with the busyness I guess, and it seems even so harder for us with trying to find someone to watch our boys that we feel safe with them.