A few weeks ago, we discussed dating in marriage. (And by we I mean you and me, not Matt and me.) Remember that?

I loved this discussion because it was so good for me to hear what so many of you are doing to keep your marriage strong. That so many are being intentional, recognizing that a marriage relationship doesn’t take care of itself without two people being dedicated to its care – well, it blessed me to hear your thoughts.

And then, without warning, I became discouraged.

What is it about hearing what others are doing that can sometimes make us feel that we aren’t doing enough or doing it right? Why, when we hear what works for others, do we sometimes choose to feel bad if that very thing isn’t working for us?

Good grief. I know better. But shoot. Some of you actually have dates with your spouse every single week. You’re super creative with your time together. You’ve found fantastic ways to fit dating into your schedule. Even better – it is an actual, non-negotiable part of your weekly schedule. And then there’s Matt and me. We rarely find time for dates, struggle to create alone time, often have unfinished conversations.

So does this mean that surely our marriage is doomed and that we, as a couple, must be a complete mess?

Oh, for real.

There’s no doubt we will always have room for improvement in our relationship. Sometimes we struggle. Sometimes we don’t communicate well. We’ll continue to go through various seasons in and levels of busyness in life. Sometimes there is more time to connect, and sometimes we need to be more creative.

It is so important to recognize that what works for one might not work for another. It’s also so very important to be open to learn and willing to grow. That’s why I loved this dating discussion with you. I learned. I was encouraged (I mean, at first, you know, until I got silly and let myself feel inferior to your awesomeness).

So then I did what I should have done in the first place. I talked to my husband about it.

I’d been praying about this area in our marriage – simply because we are very, very busy and are very involved with several ministries and all of our kids’ stuff and all of our work – and I’d been feeling too much of a disconnect between the two of us lately. Like we’d been spending time together but not really spending time together, you know? So here’s what we did, and brace yourself – maybe even prepare yourself to take notes – because this date suggestion is one for the books:

I hopped in his truck with him while he headed to the gas station to fill his gas cans with fuel for his lawn mowers.

You guys.

He in his grease-stained work clothes. Me in…probably something that didn’t match. Gasoline fumes all around us. It was, quite obviously, the ten minutes of date time I had been longing for.

We discussed and decided that this is where it’s at for us right now: stealing away for a few moments whenever we can even if it doesn’t look pretty. Matt knew the dating topic had been on my mind for a while so in between gas can fill-ups he said, “Define date.” And I was like, “This. Going to the gas station with you. Doing anything with you. I don’t even care. We don’t need to spend any money on dates, ever. I just want us to figure out how we can have more time together focused on each other.”

Ironically – the very week after this discussion, not one but two families randomly blessed us with “thank you gifts” in the form of gift certificates to local restaurants. Um, hi God. 

We definitely decided we would have to be intentional about this each week since no two weeks ever look the same for us. It is best for us to look at our days as each new week begins and figure out together when we can block out time during the week for a “date.” Honestly, sometimes this means something as simple as sitting in the van alone together after we’ve arrived home from a family activity. (Mom? Dad? You guys coming? Nope.) And sometimes it means we actually dress in something cute and go to a restaurant to order something yummy.

What if it doesn’t have to be normal? What even is normal anyway?

After our most recent restaurant gift certificate date, Matt grabbed his flashlight as we got back into the van. “Would you mind heading over to the property where I’ve been working and holding the flashlight for me while I go down into the crawl space to access the damage? I kind of need to get that done so I can turn in an estimate.”

I giggled because, this. This is our normal.

I sure do love my hard working guy. So what if our date time looks different from your date time and your date time looks different from our date time? Either way, I still love hearing what you are doing. I love getting new ideas, and most importantly, I love hearing about couples being intentional about their relationship. I think the point is that we look at our individual marriages with each individual need and we let God lead us in keeping our marriages strong, with His power at work.