Heavenly Homemakers

Encouraging women in homemaking, healthy eating and parenting

The Surprising Thing I’ve Learned After 22 Married Valentines Days

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Yep. This will be my 22nd married Valentine’s Day with my husband. Oh to be an oldie-wed. I truly love it.

We’ve never been into gifts or flowers. We rarely even go out for Valentine’s Day anymore. After raising kids together for 19+ years and being in the very thick of spending many of our daily hours parenting, schooling, working, juggling, and ministering to others, Matt and I have found that the simple gift of quiet, alone time together is what we seek most. We have to work to make it happen because if we don’t, it absolutely doesn’t.

You guys – there are teenagers everywhere! And they don’t like 8:00 bedtimes. What is wrong with these people? I’m ready to pass out at 8:00. How can they not understand?

So this is our life right now, and there are no words for how much I love it. (Except for all the parts I don’t, but isn’t that how life is in every season? Of course.)

This is the moment in the post where I start to give you perhaps a tiny bit more information than you bargained for. Maybe? I want to share with you something I’ve learned after 22 years of marriage. It’s rated PG, and it’s important enough that I feel I’d like to “go there” with you, my dear friends.

It’s this.

Sometimes with all of our comings and goings, with teenagers hanging around every corner, and busy schedules that are mostly fantastic but also exhausting – connecting with my husband has become a little bit more difficult during this season. I don’t have the energy I used to have at the end of the day – because there are not enough Fat Bombs in the world to help me keep up with all the activities and schedules and work deadlines and weighty decisions and theme papers. So can I tell you (with a bit of a red face) what has helped my husband and I to stay connected?

It’s skin-to-skin time. 

I mean, we all know that maintaining a healthy sex life as a married couple is vitally important. But I’m not just talking about sex (but yay for sex, because God sure did give married couples a gift, did he not?!).

We have found that being snuggled up, skin-to-skin, has been incredibly life-giving to our relationship. Two shall become one, after all. Connecting through the gift of touch – well, there aren’t words to describe it. I’m just thankful God revealed it, and even as I feel quite shy right now, I’m happy to share it with you.

Sometimes we pray together, skin-to-skin. Sometimes it leads to “other stuff.” Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I cry during our skin-to-skin time – either from joy, or stress release, or because I’ve missed being connected and am so happy to find it again. It’s rather beautiful.

And as an aside, though very much as another recommendation of a way to stay connected to your spouse, I want to put in a plug for MELT. Massage has been a fantastic way Matt and I have stayed connected through the years. There are so many benefits to massage – it relieves stress, it provides an opportunity to catch up and communicate, and in keeping with today’s topic, it offers wonderful skin-to-skin opportunities.

Matt and I have had access to MELT: Massage for Couples resources for two years and we highly recommend them. There are no awkward moments and there is NO nudity – the videos simply teach great massage skills and techniques for married couples. The clips are short and to the point and professionally done. It’s been fantastic to learn so many massage skills and benefits through these videos!

I recommend the MELT videos (there is a Valentine special going on right now!) as a great gift for your marriage. Make time for some skin-to-skin. Make time for massage. Make time for each other. Your marriage depends on it.

P.S. The discount offer from MELT is only good through Feb. 14 and it is a pretty significant price reduction. Check it out here!

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Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z ~ A Free Download

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Twenty years.  That’s how long Matt and I have been married – as of today. We are so thankful God has blessed us with each other.

In honor of our anniversary, we wanted to remind you of the (newly revised) eBook we wrote together a few years ago. While we still have a lot of growing to do, and much to learn about living selflessly for each other, it is a joy to share some of what we’ve learned during the past two decades.

Healthy Marriage Tips from A to X ~ Free Download

Free to everyone, please download, enjoy, and share Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z eBook.

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Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z eBook – FREE for everyone!

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Matt and I have thoroughly enjoyed writing the Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z series together, and appreciate the ways you have all sharpened us through your emails and comments regarding the subject of healthy marriages. Now that we’ve worked our way through the alphabet, we have compiled all of the posts in this series and put them into a free, downloadable resource for you. We are excited to offer this to everyone, with no strings attached.

We would be honored if you would be willing to share this eBook with anyone you feel might benefit from reading it. There is no limit to the number of copies you can make of this eBook or the number of times you are allowed to download it. All we ask is that you don’t sell it, but we probably didn’t need to say that, right? :)

We would appreciate any suggestions you might have as to where Matt and I should head at this point as we write more marriage content for the site. Share your ideas in the comments or send us an email to offer your thoughts about what you feel would benefit you and your spouse the most. Thanks!

And now, we are thrilled to offer, free to everyone, Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z eBook:

Healthy Marriage Tips from A to X ~ Free Download

Click the link below to download the book:
Healthy Marriage A to Z eBook

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Read Together

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~Appreciate Your Spouse~Buoyancy in Marriage~Consult Your Partner~
~Dream Together Part One ~Dream Together Part Two~Empower Your Spouse~
~Have Fun With Your Spouse~Give to One Another~Honor Each Other~
~Be Intentional~Jubilee~Kingdom Focused~Listen~~Mentor Relationships~
~Nourish~Own It~Pray With Each Other~Quick to Listen~

Read Together

Being on the Same Page – Matt’s Thoughts

Variety in marriage is fun. So, when it comes to reading together, mix it up, taking into consideration what would be good for the two of you. Laura and I have never gone wrong by reading books, articles, posts or other material that is written to help marriages. Even if it is not insightful for our context, at the very least we are side by side trying to align ourselves with each other. We have read from the Bible and discussed it and we have read material that is just plain fun…like a joke book. We don’t read together every night, but we talk about what each of us is reading separately. I urge you to read at least one book together every year that is specifically for marriage relationships written by an author(s) who has a Christian worldview. Whether you borrow it from your local library, church library, or a friend, or whether you purchase it so that you can own it and reference it, the key word here is TOGETHER. If only one of you reads the book, then you’re not on the same page…pun intended. Make it happen TOGETHER.

If you are like us, we have good ideas like reading a book together and then we blink and 2011 is almost history. This “good idea” of reading together probably won’t take place unless you agree on the book and schedule it TOGETHER. Of course life happens and schedules need to be rearranged on occasion, but our experience has been that the time together and discussion that follows connects the two of us.

Yes, it needs to be intentional, but beware of the checklist mentality and the critiquing spirit – as in critiquing the author. Speaking from experience, I have needed to choose to have the right attitude when it is reading time. I remember one particular couple’s devotional book that I was counting down the pages ’til it was complete. It just wasn’t doing anything for me. The reason it wasn’t doing anything for me was because of my attitude. Once I stopped the countdown and ceased being critical of the writer’s style, then the discussion about its relativity to my marriage improved.

A suggestion if you are having trouble deciding: Visit with other couples who have healthy marriages and see what they would recommend reading and ask them why they would recommend it.

Yeah, What Matt Said – Laura’s Thoughts

I think Matt said all of this wonderfully. The only thing I’d like to add is this:  For those of you who don’t enjoy reading, try books on CD. (I almost said “books on tape”, which like totally tells you that we grew up in the 80’s and that I used to have big hair.)  You may not love every book or concept you read together, but be sure to ask yourself if you don’t love it because it’s difficult to hear. Sometimes the truth hurts. Allow God to stretch you and challenge you with books that enrich your marriage.

Books That Have Benefitted Us or Other Couples (alphabetical order):

Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl
His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat MD and Gaye Wheat
Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It by Jerry B. Jenkins
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray
Night Light by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry by Les & Leslie Parrot  (This is what we are currently reading and it’s good for us even after 17 years of marriage)
The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman

What have you and your spouse read together that you would recommend?

 

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;)  We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips A to Z – Read Together

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Give to One Another

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~Appreciate Your Spouse~~Buoyancy in Marriage~Consult Your Partner~
~Dream Together Part One ~Dream Together Part Two~
~Empower Your Spouse~Have Fun With Your Spouse~

Give to One Another

Give and Take – Matt’s Thoughts

Every healthy relationship must consist of both give and take for it to last. We’ve got the “TAKE” part down with our hands tied behind our back and our fingers, toes, eyes and mid-digital hairs crossed. So we need to put our efforts into the “GIVE.”

Give your sweetie a back-rub (if you know he/she would enjoy it). Give your spouse a break today from what is usually their duty or household chore by doing it for them – and then whether that act is noticed or not, give him/her a hug or a kiss. The paradox is that when we give, we are blessed tremendously. For one, usually our spouse will recognize our efforts and appreciate us for it. Sometimes they go after paybacks. When our spouse gives and we catch them, why not have some fun with it and say something like, “I’m gonna get you back,” and look for an opportunity soon for “paybacks.”

Secondly, I’m guessing you’ve experienced this paradox found in Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” You set out to serve someone else and in doing so you are blessed more than you bless those you serve. Maybe it is therapeutic or cathartic for you to look outside of yourself. More than likely, you benefit relationally because your interaction with those you are serving is insightful, memorable, or even profound. Most importantly, your heart becomes more like God’s. That heart gives and … gives some more.

Did You Even Notice? – Laura’s Thoughts

I’d like to go with what Matt said about “whether that act is noticed or not…”

Wouldn’t we like all of our acts of service and giving to be noticed? Don’t we want to be verbally appreciated and lavished with praise for all we do? When we perform acts of  kindness, break our backs doing the dirty work, unselfishly – day after day – work to meet the needs of our family…we’d all really like to be told thank you and to be given a wonderful appraisal of how great we are. Of course we all love appreciation, and we should obviously be appreciating each other continually.

Oh my, but did I just say, “work unselfishly”? Why did that word burst forth out of my little typing fingers?

Yes. Did you know that we can do all varieties of acts of kindness and service to our spouse, and much of it can be done with a heart of selfishness? With an attitude of martyrdom? With thoughts of “poor me, I work so hard to please my spouse – and for what?” haunting our minds while we labor? I know it’s true because I’ve been guilty of it many times.

When we give to our families by serving and loving them – and especially when we offer love and care to our spouse, we must surrender our selves to God and to our dear one.

We don’t give of ourselves so that we’ll be noticed, patted on the back or lavished with praise. We give of ourselves because this is what God calls us to do. We love and serve our spouse because we made the commitment on our wedding day to love, honor and cherish.

We give of ourselves because it truly is more blessed to give than to receive.

 

Ladies, we know you’re reading here more often than the guys. ;)  We’d love husbands to read this article as well. If you feel so inclined please send the link to your husbands, or if it’s easier, we’ve created a downloadable article for you to quickly print off and share. Healthy Marriage Tips A to Z – Give

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Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z

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I am excited to announce a new feature here at Heavenly Homemakers – Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z. This is a series of posts that we’ll run once a week for the next 26 weeks, until we work all the way through the alphabet.

What I hope you’ll enjoy about Healthy Marriage Tips from A to Z  is that my husband Matt and I are teaming up to write these posts. They’ll be presented from his perspective and from mine, whether we happen to think the same way about each topic or not. Of course we always agree on every topic. Except for when we don’t. ;)

Our marriage isn’t perfect, but we have been blessed with what we feel is a healthy marriage. This is a gift from God, and we work hard together to keep our marriage healthy. Both Matt and I have a heart to encourage healthy marriage relationships in those around us as well. That is how the idea for this series of posts was born.

Later this week, we’ll be back with the first post of this series – a topic beginning with the letter A. What do you think we’ll start talking about first? Anger – Argue – Aggravate – Aggressive? Um, no. We don’t really plan on giving you tips on Aggravating Your Spouse. We’ve got a much more positive topic in mind.

Avoid? Awful? Against?

You can keep guessing, but I’m not gonna tell you our topic. But it sure is fun thinking of A words that don’t describe a healthy marriage. :)

Aftershock, Awkward, Annoying…

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