reactive attachment disorder Archives

The last post I wrote while sitting with an ugly cry right on the surface. This one? I’m writing with a smile. How great that God always provides joy in the midst of struggle! There are always, always good things happening when we are looking for God’s power at work.

So first, do I not always feel like a human?

Indeed, I do not. I definitely feel the struggles of the flesh that distract me from a life of peace. But mostly? I often feel like a very worn out caretaker.

But!! There are many moments of each day that pull me out of the heaviness to remind me who I am and that life is full of goodness! It felt sweet to think through all of these moments and to write about them here.

The Best Parts of Life that Help Me Feel Human

1. Our Grandbabies

These are top of the list. At our house, we are almost always knee deep in our own kids’ poop, snot, screams, and tantrums – and I often feel desperate for a kid break. But when a grandbaby shows up? GIMME. I don’t even care if they come with poop and snot.

I can’t explain this. There’s something different about loving on the grandbabies – quite possibly because I am not the one fully in charge of them like I am our own kids. I simply get to squeeze, kiss, play with, and delight in them. And such a delight they are!

We are “Lolli” and “Pop” and do you know the best thing in the world? Seeing those babies’ faces light up and hearing them say “Yah-yee!” (Lolli is hard to say) and “Pop!” (Pop is easy) as they run toward us. It’s the sweetest thing in the world – I believe made sweeter because we are so knee deep in tantrums at our house. Everything sweet is sweeter for us because the hard at our house is so hard. Grandbaby sweetness tops the list.

2. Family Gatherings

Praise God – at this time, all 11 of our kids and their families live in Lincoln. I don’t take this for granted but instead appreciate every moment we have as a family doing life together in the same city.

Our grown kids have beautiful schedules full of all kinds of awesome endeavors be it work, friends, ministries, or activities. So when the stars align and we are able to gather together for a meal and maybe even a couple hours of gaming? Oh man. It’s the best!

Extra special: Being a bystander as our four older boys share inside jokes as they relive their childhood, throw shade about the variety of different soccer teams they each claim to be the best, or laugh together because they are all super hilarious people. This is all such a treasure to me.

In general, seeing our first four kids all grown up gives me so much joy and hope for the future of our young ones. It’s HARD WORK raising kids. But I see my adult kids and recognize so many ways that God was at work in their training and how He is still at work in their lives. If I can hold on to this truth – the truth that it isn’t up to me to ensure that our kids grow up to be awesome but that I can surrender them to God’s work for their good? I know it will all be ok. Being with my older kids reminds me of this.

3. Hosting Sunday Lunches

It’s a bit challenging to explain how hosting a big gathering in our home for 25-50 people every Sunday after church is life-giving for us. Isn’t it a lot of work? Isn’t it draining? Doesn’t it make a mess? Well sure, I guess.

It does take work – but not much more than it takes to feed 14 of us every day anyway. The work it takes to make one huge casserole compared to the work it takes to make two huge casseroles? Not harder. It’s just a doubled (or quadrupled) recipe.

And having extras in our house to play with our kids, help fix our kids’ plates, support and love our kids as they form relationships with them? The best gift! Most of our friends have no idea how good they are to our kids, but here they are being great, Sunday after Sunday.

Meanwhile, Matt and I get our cups filled up with precious adult conversation. We actually get to sit and eat our food. We watch as relationships deepen and community grows through interaction and sharing life with so many people that show up to these lunches.

And I don’t know if you knew this about me or not, but…I love feeding people. Our seven younger kids are beyond picky with their struggling neurodivergent brains and the taste buds this has affected. But our guests? They go through the food buffet line and not one person yells at me or throws food. Instead, they fill their plates and delight in the dishes. This feels so satisfying to me and brings such joy.

4. Sundays in general

While Sunday Lunches are awesome, the before and after are just as sweet. Worship on Sunday mornings is always fulfilling. Sometimes I cry all the way through it, usually from relief and joy, because of how good God is. I love Sunday worship and the fellowship with our people at Heartlands.

And after worship and lunch? We send the kids downstairs to watch a movie (a special privilege they look forward to!) while Matt and I enjoy time with other couples for our weekly Community Group. This is so life-giving. With all of this, Sundays are incredibly full and rich.

5. Going to our weekly Food Distribution

This one is harder to explain, because I am still parenting while there, taking 2-3 kids with me to help teach them to serve. But I think I enjoy this so much for several reasons. One, there’s food involved, so this is another form of feeding people that makes me happy. Watching 100ish people walk through the food line being provided with free groceries each week is such a delight to me.

Two, serving here takes me outside my own head every week for two hours. I’m there for others, I’m not pulled in a million different directions during that time like I normally am at home, and I can serve in ways that match my giftedness. Even vacuuming to clean up at the end of the session is life-giving to me. I like to work hard and to feel productive about it.

Three, I’m becoming friends with people that we see there each week. Even if we don’t speak the same language, we share familiar smiles, kindness, and care. It’s beyond awesome.

And four? Well, being there reminds me of different ways we taught our four older boys to serve when they were growing up. This feels normal to me – like a real life way we can help our kids learn to care about and serve others. So much of what we do with our kids now is trauma-healing. Taking them to serve at Food Net is similar to things we did with our first set of kids. It feels really good and familiar. It gives me hope.

6. Spending alone time with Matt

This guy and I work very hard together, doing very hard things all day long. When we have a chance to get away just the two of us and talk about something besides the kids and appointments and ABA therapy and the latest meltdowns and parenting strategies – and can instead talk about finances, our future, ministries, people we want to connect with, goals – wow. I feel human again. To feel human alongside my favorite human is a super bonus.

We currently get to sneak out of the house one evening each week to have time together while the older kids who live at our house take care of the needs of our younger seven for two and a half hours. In addition, we block out Friday afternoons to spend time together at home during Auggie’s nap. No appointments, no meetings – only together time. On nice days, we sit in the sun and drink coffee and visit. On cold days we sit inside in our sun room and drink coffee and visit. These hours are precious and life-giving, and they remind me that indeed, we are human.

7. Mondays

As much as we can make it happen, on Mondays I sneak away to spend the morning grocery shopping and then WRITING for several hours at Panera. Our friend, Emma, comes to the house to help with the kids, which makes it easier for Matt back home and frees me to get necessary shopping done for our family.

Then the time spent writing while enjoying sweet down time? Oh, I can breathe! Writing is so therapeutic for me and I don’t have much opportunity to do this during the season of life we are in. So these hours of being alone, sitting by myself, and going into my “writing zone?” Man, I love it!

8. Sitting in the Sunshine

When it’s possible, I sit for a few minutes in the sunshine during Auggie’s afternoon nap time. My nervous system needs to reset, my body needs to breathe, and the sun shining on my face is a precious reminder that His face is shining down on me to bless me and keep me. Now that the kids are a little bit older, sometimes I can even sit outside with them while they play independently nearby. It’s rare, but it’s starting to be possible. Oh sunshine. I love it!

9. Morning time with God

This one is my very favorite. But the struggle comes with having kids that get up very early, which interrupts my ability to sit in the quiet and find refreshment in the Word, and through journaling and prayer. I hurt over this sometimes. I always want more quiet time with God than I usually get now, and never feel like I get enough. Sometimes I barely stumble into the living room with my coffee and Bible before I hear little pitter patters of feet and the needs of the day press in.

So, time in the Word with Jesus is life-giving. I just don’t get much right now. Sometimes it’s two precious minutes, though everyone once in a while the stars align and I get a nice chunk of time. I am always so grateful for God’s provision on those mornings. I’m clinging to the years in which I had “quiet God time” in bulk. Back when I consistently slept through the night and got up early to dig in with Jesus for an hour and a half before starting my day. Those years prepared me for our current season, and the Truths that became my lifeline are holding me up now. God is faithful.

10. Being outside

I’ve learned that being outside is so life-giving to me! I love fresh air, sunshine (as mentioned above), walking trails, nature, getting exercise in a natural way – I love it all! Any nice-weather day, we take advantage of. It makes everyone feel better when we can be outside, and I definitely notice that I feel more alive and like myself when I can be out enjoying fresh air.

I’d love to hear from you!

What are your favorite parts of your days and weeks? What fills you? What makes you feel your best?

In the midst of our daily struggles, I realized that sometimes I forget my “WHY.”

Why are we doing this? How did we get here? What is even happening right now?

God was so present in the WHY. He made it so obvious that He was in this, that He was leading us to this, that He had brought us to this. And He’s still in it all now, without a doubt. It’s just different – and harder – now. Therefore, I often question what we’ve gotten ourselves into.

When the Egg Casserole gets smeared across the table and floor in defiance, followed by an angry cup of milk that gets thrown across the room
When someone strips back down to a fully naked state – right after I’ve bent over backwards to make all the accommodations to help them choose their clothes and dress for the day – because the sleeve didn’t feel right
When there are so many appointments to schedule and juggle that I haven’t had time to shower all week
When I dare to say “no” to a child’s unreasonable request and it takes 45-minutes to settle them down from their meltdown
When I open the yogurt “wrong” and get told “I HATE YOU!” as a result
When all of this happens before 8am.

That’s when I forget my “why.”

What is the WHY?

Why do we have a houseful of kids? Why is there not much quiet to be found? Why aren’t we empty-nesting? Why are we faced with so many big needs all day, every day? Why are we doing this?

I’ll tell you (and remind myself) why.

Because 10ish years ago, we asked God to show us what it means to live more fully through the power of the Holy Spirit. And we asked Him to help us understand what it really means to love our neighbor. So He did.

He showed us our neighbors that were struggling with addictions and He walked us through loving them. Then, in a special and unexpected turn of events – He asked us to raise some of their children.

We didn’t know that this is what “loving our neighbor” would look like in our context. But now our house is full, and we have to seek the Spirit’s guidance constantly.

Sweet Memories of Preparation

Back in those days so many years ago as we were digging in with God to understand how He guides His people through the power of the Holy Spirit to more fully love our neighbors, we were in our final years of homeschooling our older four boys. Elias and Malachi and I spend hours and hours reading Janet and Geoff Benge’s Christian Heroes books. In this incredible series, we read many that told about Christians who started orphanages all over the world. People who took in children to raise as their own, to protect and provide for, to care for and to love.

We loved these books – and we were so challenged and inspired by them. But we had no idea that God was using them to prepare us to essentially have an orphanage of sorts in our home some day.

Wow. George Muller. Lillian Thrasher. Amy Carmichael. So many others. These heroes launched us into our WHY and helped us learn what an open home for hurting children could look like.

And then there was Teresa of Calcutta. Mother Teresa, as most of us know her. Reading about her taught us so much more about what it can look like to love the least of these. She shared that when she looked into the eyes of the hurting, suffering, and dying – she saw the eyes of Jesus. She made us ask: How could we do this? What would that look like for us? Who were the least of these around us that could show us who Jesus is?

As it turns out, our home is now filled with three brown-eyed and four blue-eyed sweet souls who hold a lot of hurt. These are the eyes we look into to meet Jesus every day.

It’s powerful. It’s holy. It’s humbling.

This is our WHY.

I can forget all of this in the midst of a meltdown and the weariness that follows. And selfishly, I want to do life the easier way – without having to struggle so much, work so hard, and feel inadequate so often.

As if any of us are adequate. As if we can do anything in life without the help of Jesus. As if anything worth doing for the Kingdom and because of the call of Jesus is a simple matter that doesn’t truly make us die to ourselves.

As if.

So I remember my WHY. I lean into my WHY. I go all in to keep in step with the Spirit who has led us here, walks with us here, and carries us through each day.

Remembering my WHY reminds me of my WHAT: Loving these children enough to lay my life down to serve and care for them every day. And in the name of Jesus, healing will come.