Sometimes I Forget My “WHY”

In the midst of our daily struggles, I realized that sometimes I forget my “WHY.”

Why are we doing this? How did we get here? What is even happening right now?

God was so present in the WHY. He made it so obvious that He was in this, that He was leading us to this, that He had brought us to this. And He’s still in it all now, without a doubt. It’s just different – and harder – now. Therefore, I often question what we’ve gotten ourselves into.

• When the Egg Casserole gets smeared across the table and floor in defiance, followed by an angry cup of milk that gets thrown across the room
• When someone strips back down to a fully naked state – right after I’ve bent over backwards to make all the accommodations to help them choose their clothes and dress for the day – because the sleeve didn’t feel right
• When there are so many appointments to schedule and juggle that I haven’t had time to shower all week
• When I dare to say “no” to a child’s unreasonable request and it takes 45-minutes to settle them down from their meltdown
• When I open the yogurt “wrong” and get told “I HATE YOU!” as a result
• When all of this happens before 8am.

That’s when I forget my “why.”

What is the WHY?

Why do we have a houseful of kids? Why is there not much quiet to be found? Why aren’t we empty-nesting? Why are we faced with so many big needs all day, every day? Why are we doing this?

I’ll tell you (and remind myself) why.

Because 10ish years ago, we asked God to show us what it means to live more fully through the power of the Holy Spirit. And we asked Him to help us understand what it really means to love our neighbor. So He did.

He showed us our neighbors that were struggling with addictions and He walked us through loving them. Then, in a special and unexpected turn of events – He asked us to raise some of their children.

We didn’t know that this is what “loving our neighbor” would look like in our context. But now our house is full, and we have to seek the Spirit’s guidance constantly.

Sweet Memories of Preparation

Back in those days so many years ago as we were digging in with God to understand how He guides His people through the power of the Holy Spirit to more fully love our neighbors, we were in our final years of homeschooling our older four boys. Elias and Malachi and I spend hours and hours reading Janet and Geoff Benge’s Christian Heroes books. In this incredible series, we read many that told about Christians who started orphanages all over the world. People who took in children to raise as their own, to protect and provide for, to care for and to love.

We loved these books – and we were so challenged and inspired by them. But we had no idea that God was using them to prepare us to essentially have an orphanage of sorts in our home some day.

Wow. George Muller. Lillian Thrasher. Amy Carmichael. So many others. These heroes launched us into our WHY and helped us learn what an open home for hurting children could look like.

And then there was Teresa of Calcutta. Mother Teresa, as most of us know her. Reading about her taught us so much more about what it can look like to love the least of these. She shared that when she looked into the eyes of the hurting, suffering, and dying – she saw the eyes of Jesus. She made us ask: How could we do this? What would that look like for us? Who were the least of these around us that could show us who Jesus is?

As it turns out, our home is now filled with three brown-eyed and four blue-eyed sweet souls who hold a lot of hurt. These are the eyes we look into to meet Jesus every day.

It’s powerful. It’s holy. It’s humbling.

This is our WHY.

I can forget all of this in the midst of a meltdown and the weariness that follows. And selfishly, I want to do life the easier way – without having to struggle so much, work so hard, and feel inadequate so often.

As if any of us are adequate. As if we can do anything in life without the help of Jesus. As if anything worth doing for the Kingdom and because of the call of Jesus is a simple matter that doesn’t truly make us die to ourselves.

As if.

So I remember my WHY. I lean into my WHY. I go all in to keep in step with the Spirit who has led us here, walks with us here, and carries us through each day.

Remembering my WHY reminds me of my WHAT: Loving these children enough to lay my life down to serve and care for them every day. And in the name of Jesus, healing will come.