Matt and I were privileged to attend a weekend marriage seminar last weekend put on by FamilyLife.com. It was their video version, called The Art of Marriage. I’m so thankful our church hosted the event.
Marriage truly is an art, isn’t it? When we allow our Creator to sculpt our marriage, it is so beautiful.
One of the biggest lessons we heard over the weekend was not something new to us. And yet, it’s always good to be reminded about one of the key tools for making your marriage run smoothly.
The long and short of it (and Laura’s paraphrased and blunt version) of the lesson is this: Get over yourself already.
We shouldn’t get married to please ourselves. We should get married to serve the person we love the most. Ultimately, getting married means that you’ve chosen to become a loving servant to your spouse forever. And if children come along, you’re signing up to serve them forever too. Yep, years and years of serving others. Sounds tough…but it doesn’t have to be. It’s all about letting go of yourself and choosing to serve cheerfully.
I thought it interesting that one counselor pointed out that we all say these vows to our spouse on our wedding day: “I promise to love, honor and cherish you until death do us part.” But what our hearts often mean is, “I want YOU to love, honor and cherish ME forever.” (And then we also expect our spouse to be able to read our mind so that they know exactly how they should perfectly love, honor and cherish us…but that’s another article for another day.)
No…when you got married, you promised to take care of and nurture your spouse. No matter what. Even when it isn’t easy. Even when you’re tired. Even when you’re grumpy. Even when you don’t feel like it.
See, because your marriage isn’t ultimately about YOU.
If Jesus would have made his time on earth about HIMSELF, I’m very sure He never would have died for me and He certainly wouldn’t have healed all those sick, needy people that kept following Him everywhere. Why in the world would he? He may not have been in the mood…He may not have felt like it that day…He may have just needed some “me time”. But no…He chose to serve. He chose to love unconditionally. He chose to die. He chose to live for others, which praise God, includes you and me!
If you’re sitting there thinking, “Wow, she’s right. My spouse really needs to read this so he’ll/she’ll stop living for him/herself and serve me better” – Stop it. Consider yourself bonked on the forehead. :)
It could be that your spouse is selfish (I wouldn’t be surprised since you and I are both quite selfish in nature). Your needs may not all be met. You may be wanting more out of your marriage.
But your healthier, more wonderfully sculpted marriage begins with your choice to be a loving servant.
As soon as you stop living for yourself and really start focusing on meeting the needs of your spouse, your marriage will become more joyful. Your spouse may then become more of a loving servant to you as well.
Beautiful!
LOVE this… you said it so, so well (as always!) Now… who can I forward this to?? :-)
Hmmmmm…. I think I needed that today. :0)
Humbly,
Sharon
I love this.. and am posting it on FB. I saw a few comments of {married} people unhappy about their Valentine’s Day, Monday. And I just thought, I wonder what they did for their spouse? But instead they were frustrated that they didn’t get what they wanted. It just bugged me. I mean I have a sweet, wonderful man who loves me dearly. But I don’t expect him to send me roses, buy me a box of chocolates or take me to dinner because a) we can’t afford it and b) he’s not overly romantic. But I know him and I know he’s mine! And I know he adores me and he shows me in other ways!
And while I know some women don’t know that about their husbands… and maybe their husbands aren’t the most pleasant or even loving. And I am so sorry for them and will pray for them! But if they are a Christian, their service is to God and God calls us to love and serve our spouse! We are first called to obedience to Him!
Ok, I’m done. Can you tell it really got to me? :)
Wow, that’s great advice, thank you!!!
Gee. Needed this. I’ve been having one of those “don’t feel like it, not in the mood, need me time” sort of weeks towards just about everything in my life. I prayed for God to give me some grace and refreshment today and to renew my mind. Just thought you’d like to know that He used your post as part of His answer. Thanks!
Such a great reminder… Thanks! :)
I shared this on Facebook also – and I don’t usually post blogs. Well…my own :) This was a fantastic reminder. I commented on FB also and said some of the same things the others have said. Check out my blog to see how I pampered my family on Valentine’s Day! BUT! Sometimes I do get tired and wonder “when is it MY turn?”…so thanks for the perspective!
WOW! I did get bonked on the forehead! LOL Thanks so much for that reminder!!!
Laura,
I think this is the most impacting thing I have read on your website. It is simple and absolutely necessary. Certainly a lesson that has taken almost 7 years for me to realize is a big issue!!!
Thank you so much for ministering to us with your direct approach and Scriptural connection.
Thanks you. Not only was God speaking to me in church tonight but just now through you. Thanks you!
Amen sister!!! :) You are such a blessing to me…. Praying God will continue to use you in amazing ways!
I love your words and perspective! Thanks for the bonk on the head!
What a good reminder Laura. I really needed that today. Between a 14 month old who is throwing up and myself with a stuffy head from a sinus infection, I really want someone to take care of me! But I know that I will feel better if I am joyfully serving my daughter today when she needs me!
Thanks Laura. I’m reading a book on submission and the author points out to just do the behavior first, and the right mood/feelings will follow. I really believe this to be true. Maybe we don’t want to do something for our spouse, but then when we do, it often feels so good to do it.
We also attended the Art of Marriage this past weekend here in Columbia, SC. It was truly an eye opener and a life changing event for both my husband and me! I would strongly recommend this event to anyone no matter what season of marriage you are in! My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years, but 2 kids later, our marriage was lacking to say the least. This past weekend was such a blessing from God for both of us! We have both recommitted ourselves to love one another unselfishly, to always pursue one another, and to fight for our marriage. It helped us to remember the reasons we got married in the first place! We shared a lot of what we went over this past weekend in our Sunday School class – it’s amazing what God has done just from us sharing our experiences with others – it made us realize that we are not alone in our struggles! Thank you for your post! And so glad you were able to attend and be blessed by this event too!
Thwacked. We’d say “Consider yourself thwacked on the head.” (Imagine making the OK symbol w/ your hand and then letting the pointer finger fly into the silly person’s forehead. Thwacked. Good word.) Bonked, or thwacked, amen to that!
Long ago I bought Stormie O’Martian’s book The Power of a Praying Wife thinking, “Oh, good! A book that will fix my husband!” After reading it a little bit, I realized, “What a rip off! I have to fix ME!” It helped fix me a little, but the Lord used people and other books and some heart-to-heart talks directly w/ me to fix me some more. (And He’s not finished yet!)
Great post and great blunt summary! Some of us need that! May the Lord use you and your blog to help fix many people!
Thanks, Laura! :)
That’s how I felt when I started reading Created to Be His Help Meet….. I wanted to fix my husband, not myself! I’m fine! I don’t need fixing!
But boy, God really knows when one of His children needs a change of heart! The book has changed my attitude toward my marriage for the better, no matter what the circumstance is…. and I’ve only read 8 chapters so far!!
That was a very humbling study for me as well. I spent a lot of
time on my knees asking for forgiveness and guidance during that one.
This message today was a wonderful reminder and as Laura said “bonk
on the head” to get me back on track. God Bless you all!
We just got done with 40 Days of Love (Rick Warren) in our small group a week ago.
It’s another one that leaves you thinking!
Our church is hosting The Art of Marriage seminar in March and my husband and I are signed up to go! I am excited! Thanks for the reminder today about true love being about service.
Yes, THANK YOU for this. I needed to be bonked on the head with it.
Thanks for this reminder Laura. I think I needed this today.
I love what you said about Jesus not needing “me time”. This world is so centered around what’s best for “me”. I try not to think that way, but I’m quite certain I still do. Thanks for this wonderful post and for always shining your light.
My husband and I have attended these conferences before. They are a great reminder that it is NOT about us but about serving our husbands and children. If that isn’t what someone wants to do then I strongly suggest NOT getting married and becoming a monk…We’re a servant, caregiver, and giver of X for life…I love it, even though there are times when it is difficult…you just don’t feel it. But it is at these times when God gives you the strength to go beyond yourself!!!
Ouch!! I so needed that today…but it was painful!!!
For the past few weeks “service” has really been in everything I read from my Bible Study, reading Purpose Driven Life, Church sermons on us being “ambassadors” for Christ. In my day to day life I so often give service to God, my husband, my children and to be honest by the end of the day I am spent. I want to serve with a smile on my face, and I love to serve those that I love, but how do we do all of that and have a moment to relax and and take a breath?
We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day anymore since we learned of it’s pagan roots, so there aren’t any hurt feelings in my house. :o)
What you wrote reminded me of what my former pastor said more than once, “God didn’t give you your marriage to make you happy; God gave you your marriage to make you holy.” As you can see, those words really stayed with me, and after 35 years of a happy marriage, I can attest to the fact that these words are true. Thanks for the reminder! :o)
I so needed this today. Thanks :)
Excellent thoughts. I have been trying to get over myself already! Always need reminders. =)
Thank you Laura. God bless you.
I just forwarded this to myself with the subject “It’s Not About Me” so that I can read it when I need an attitude change… and a bonk in the head! (which will probably be very frequently!)
We are constantly bombarded with selfishness over service; so it’s no doubt hard to maintain the right perspective… and I’m not just talking about the media bombarding us (though turning it OFF helps immensely!), but Satan uses everything he can to keep us focused on ourselves. I hate to think how many whiny comments I’ve made to friends about “poor me.” I know I didn’t help them or myself stay focused on loving and serving others unconditionally.
When our kids complain over selfish things, I tell them “Change your heart. Change your face.” And now I’m going to add to that “And go love him/her.” – Now “I” just have to remember to do this… praying for the Holy Spirit to remind me, bonking me on the head, as often and as frequently as needed… And I will probably have a lumpy head the next time you hear from me!
Count me in as another one who was bonked…
Love love love this series you are doing. Please continue!!
I’m so excited our church is having this same seminar in a couple of weeks, my Husband and I are signed up to attend. I loved your paraphrased version, so I’m sure the whole semeinar will be wonderful. Thanks for sharing!
Shelby
I needed to hear you post today. I have had a very sick family for the past few weeks and when my husband began to go down for a second round of illness this past weekend, I nearly cracked. I have been telling God that I am feeling weary and that I need some of his grace to continue nursing everyone back to health. Thanks for being such a willing instrument in my receiving some. You and your family continue to bless me and mine. Thank you.
I needed to hear the “get over yourself already”. Not just in marriage, but in general. LIFE is not about me! If only I could live like that more often. My husband is actually very good at it, and is very much a servant. I am blessed!
You bonked me too! How I need God’s grace ABUNDANTLY to continually serve right up to when I go to sleep. After chasing kids all day, I too get weary and feel like I am too tired for my husband and need “me time” after the kids are in bed. How selfish of me-Oh Lord, please give me energy and strength to serve.
Oh, thank you! :o)