Heavenly Homemakers

Encouraging women in homemaking, healthy eating and parenting

Resentment is a Choice

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Bitterness. What a fun thing to experience. It eats at you, distracts you, causes you to lose sleep, makes you feel angry and keeps the hurt feelings right at the surface of your heart.

We’ve all had our feelings hurt at one time or another. People have sinned against us. They have been thoughtless toward us. Some have intentionally been mean or hurtful to us. Others have treated us with disrespect. Some have made us feel like a little piece of dirt that is worth nothing more than to be tossed out to the wind.

None of that feels good. None of that causes us to smile, to be happy or to feel loved. Hurtful words and actions from others are painful to endure, whether they were intended to cause pain or not. 

It’s okay to be angry. Anger is a God given emotion and a natural feeling after someone has wronged us.

But we don’t get to run a bath full of anger and soak in it.

Most of the time, when I am angry at someone…they are completely clueless that they have hurt me or made me angry. I’ll have countless “conversations in my head” with that person in which I effectively set the record straight, and oh so eloquently let them know how right I am and how wrong they are and boy do I let them have it! In my head. Over and over. And over. What a completely unproductive use of my time and brain power.

This is where bitterness creeps in. 

It’s hard to let go of anger. I hold onto it because I want to “punish” the person who hurt me. Instead, all I’m doing is punishing myself, making myself physically sick with the cancer of bitterness. 

The way I see it, I have three choices:  I can choose to go to the person and resolve the issue, forgive and move on. If I truly can’t bring myself to go to the person and work through the problem of my hurt, then I HAVE to choose to just let go of it. 

Otherwise, I’m making the third choice…the choice to be bitter.

Clearly, resentment is a choice. We didn’t choose for someone to hurt us, but if we remain unforgiving and ugly-hearted, we are choosing resentment. 

We are not allowed to say, “Everything he has done to me has made me SO BITTER.” Nope. He may have hurt you, but he didn’t make you bitter. You chose to be bitter. 

Deciding to let go of bitterness and forgive…it’s hard. It’s painful. It’s gut-wrenching. It takes much prayer and an absolute surrender of your self.

And then it’s freeing. So, so freeing. 

Oh the ways God can use us when our hearts are free of bitterness! And oh how we are stuck in a trap of ugly, painful memories when we choose not to let it go.

Resentment is a choice. What will you choose?

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I’m writing this post generically, because there are so many people in our lives we can become resentful toward. However, I’m also categorizing this post in our Becoming a Better Help Meet series. If you are choosing to be resentful toward your husband, can I urge you to repent? It’s easy to let bitterness become a part of you when/if your husband continues to hurt you, or fails to listen to you and meet your needs. All of those actions and attitudes hurt…there’s no doubt about it. But don’t choose bitterness. You’re  hurting yourself and you’re hurting your marriage.

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Being a Better Help Meet: Choose Your Friends Wisely

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Who are you spending quality time with? (I mean, besides your toddler and The Cat in the Hat.)

Are you choosing your friends wisely? 

I think it is very important to spend time with lonely people, hurting people, needy people and struggling people…because people need people and we all at one time or another are lonely, hurting, needy or struggling. This post is not suggesting that you ignore all people who have nothing to offer you at this moment. God calls us to reach out and love on his children.

But what I’d like to suggest to each of us is that if you’re interested in keeping your marriage strong and together, it is wise to spend time with people who can help you and encourage you in those efforts.

Look around you. Who has been married for many, many years? Who outwardly adores her husband? Who speaks kindly of her husband? Who has gone through difficult marriage struggles and landed on her feet beside her man? Who will help you hold your marriage together?

And I’m not just talking to those of you whose marriages are barely holding on. I’m talking to all of us.

Do the people around you engage in “husband or men bashing”? Do your friends prefer to do their own thing, leaving their husbands out of the picture? Do your friends hold marriage as sacred? Do your friends encourage you to put your  husband first? Do your friends challenge you be a devoted wife…no matter what?

You wouldn’t ask financial advice from your broke, scatter-brained uncle, right? Neither should you seek godly marriage wisdom from someone who truly isn’t equipped to offer it. 

Choose to surround yourself with people who can show you how to love. Develop relationships with women who can encourage you as a wife to be the best godly helper that you can be for your husband.

On the flip side…no matter how old you are or how long you’ve been married, make a decision to be a good example to young girls and younger married women around you. Show others how much you love your husband and how grateful you are to be married.

Seek mentors. Be a mentor.

I do believe this is exactly what Titus 2:3-5 is all about. :)

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

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Warning! Facebook Can Be Destructive To Your Marriage!

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Let me just get all the arguments out of the way right now. Facebook can be great and is a wonderful way to connect with people. I am rarely on FB, but have found it to be a super way to “find” old classmates, see pictures of friends and family, learn news of babies born and read of ways I can be praying for people I love. (For the record, by “old” classmates I totally mean “young” classmates because wow, we are all so incredibly youthful. I should have said former classmates, yes?) 

Facebook can be purely innocent and can offer a wonderful connection to the outside world, especially for moms who really just need an adult to commiserate with them on a day that the poop got smeared across the piano keys while the cell phone simultaneously got dropped into the toilet. 

Facebook in and of itself is not evil. Are we clear on that?  This is not a post telling you to avoid all appearances of FB and woe to the person who  updates her status or changes his profile picture. I’ll even go so far as to encourage you to hit my “like” button so that you can be a fan of Heavenly Homemakers on Facebook if you so choose.

However, just like everything that can and should be used for a good purpose, Facebook has been a party to destroyed marriages. It’s sneaky and subtle and can creep up on a person before they realize that damage has been done. Sounds just like the way Satan works, doesn’t it? 

I’m pretty sure most people do not log into Facebook with the plan to get too close to someone who is of the opposite sex and cross any boundaries that should not be crossed. But I’ve seen it happen and I’ve seen divorce as the outcome. It’s heartbreaking and it’s gut-wrenching and I’m here to beg you to please be careful.

If you choose to be on Facebook, I think it is important to be very selective in deciding what you post. I’ve seen gals post information about their bras, about their bodies, about the fact that they’re getting ready to go take a shower. It may seem innocent, but for REAL…that is too much information to share with all of your “friends”.

Also, please be careful about your Facebook conversations with others, especially with people of the opposite sex. It’s somehow much easier to say things on screen that we would NEVER say to someone’s face, which of course makes it much easier to cross lines we know better than to cross.

We have to work daily to protect our marriages.  Facebook is just one small example that has been on my heart lately. 

Hey…here’s an idea! How about using your Facebook status updates as a way to build up your spouse? Share with your “friends” something great that your husband did or a reason you’re proud of him. Nothing says, “I love my husband, everyone else back off!” like a wife who can’t stop saying great things to others about her man.

See? Go check this out.  I just updated my Facebook status to say something great about Matt. Easy as that, I’m doing something positive for my marriage and using Facebook for good. 

If you’re a Facebooker, can I challenge you to do the same? :)

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What My Husband Needs (I mean your husband, well…you know what I mean)

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You’ve read many of the books or heard much of the “good wife” advice that I’ve heard right? That advice that states that I need to greet my husband at the door each night when he comes home from work looking refreshed and lovely because otherwise I’m not showing my love for him. Apparently I’m supposed to be wearing the sweater he loves (always) and have my hair curled and pretty (at precisely 5:05)…the house is supposed to be clean and if I’m not mistaken, I am supposed to kiss my husband for a full minute (One Mississippi, Two Mississippi…) immediately when he walks in from his hard day at work. I also need to train my children to run in and greet him (what, in the middle of our kiss?!) so that they can show their Daddy how much he means to them.

But wait, there are other books that tell me that when a man comes home from work, he needs a good bit of time to wind down before he is to be bothered. He should be allowed to go “into his cave” all by himself with no one to touch him or ask him how his day went and I am certainly not to begin telling him how my day went until he has had exactly 47 minutes (or whatever) alone in his cave and is ready to give me his full attention.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to kiss him in the cave or not. 

Is it just me, or is there a little bit of contradictory marriage advice out there? And while I think that so many of the aforementioned ideas are great and possibly valid, I can often feel overwhelmed with all of the “good advice” and feel like I just don’t measure up because I can’t do all of those things.

I would like to suggest that each of us, as wives, need to look at what our individual husband’s needs and desires are and focus on meeting those needs.

My husband personally doesn’t care if my hair is curled and lovely when he walks in the door. (Thank goodness, since as we all know, I rarely have time to curl my hair and you will often find a good bit of flour in the wisps falling into my face.)  He actually appreciates the fact that although I do care to keep myself clean and neat (flour in the hair being an exception), I don’t spend much time primping in front of a mirror every day. He doesn’t expect the house to be perfect and he doesn’t really have a cave. He would probably love it if I kissed him for 60 whole seconds (…Twenty-Four Mississippi…) when he walks in the door, but there are usually four loud and excited children who beat me to the door and if all I’m able to do is look up from my biscuit dough with a crooked smile…he still knows I love him.

Because I show him in ways that HE needs. 

It doesn’t matter what all the other husbands need.  All that matters to me is what MY husband needs. 

It’s good to listen to advice from Godly people and to read good Christian books on marriage. There are some fantastic words of wisdom to learn from. But take that advice and communicate with your husband about what he needs from you. Knowing that you’re doing just what your husband needs feels a whole lot better than trying to meet the needs defined in a book.

And now…just because I just really want to…I’m going to find my husband and practice the infamous 60-second kiss. (…Forty-Seven Mississippi…)

How about we call it “The Kississippi”?

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Chatting With Lisa Whelchel (about marriage)

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I’ve read Lisa’s ideas about parenting…I’ve read her thoughts on friendship…but I’ve never read her insights on marriage. And so I asked…

Me:

I’m currently writing a series on my blog encouraging wives in their journey as a help meet to their husbands. What is something practical you’ve done to help your husband be a better father, husband, man of God?

Lisa:

Well, can I share something with you that I wish I would have done better and understood earlier? 

It’s about balance. I’d read all the books about being a great help meet and I implemented all the right things. But somehow as I was offering all that I thought a good wife should be…I stopped offering myself.

If we change ourselves too much to be their help meet, we can make it too easy for our husbands and they can’t grow. We have to be honest – that’s what being a good help meet is.

Laura’s follow-up thoughts:

Eek, my notes as I scrawled frantically during my interview with Lisa were beginning to look rather scary at this point. I was trying so hard to listen well and write at the same time, but your guess is as good as mine about what I meant when I wrote, “use uhs as a good opp”. Huh? If you recall, this entire interview took place in fifteen minutes time. There was not time for neat penmanship.

Anyway, what I THINK Lisa was wisely saying to us is that being a good help meet doesn’t mean that we’re to just completely give up on what we need and desire in our marriage, just to make our husbands happy. We have to be honest and tell our husbands what we need, otherwise they can’t grow into the husband God desires them to be. 

I think that there are wonderful “be a better help meet” books out there, but I do often feel overwhelmed and inadequate after reading them. That’s part of the reason I started writing my own series about becoming a better help meet…to try to be real and practical…hopefully, sort of. 

So yes, being a good wife doesn’t mean that I should give up on who I am so that my  husband’s world will happily and smoothly go around. It does mean that I sometimes give up what I want. It does mean that I put his needs before my own. It does mean that I love him with all my heart and work very hard to meet his needs.

But meeting his needs may mean that I challenge him to improve his life and to work to better meet my needs. I’m only truly being his help meet if I am helping him become a better man of God.

I think this help meet thing calls for a lot of prayers for wisdom.

What do you think?

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Remind Yourself!

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Today I just want to share a simple little thing I do to remind myself all day that I think my husband is awesome!

This all came about rather innocently. I didn’t intentionally create this little exercise so that I could remind myself of how much I love Matt. It just happened, and then I realized how cool it was. It’s profound…are you ready?! 

I set one of my computer passwords (one that I use frequently) to say something great about Matt.  I was feeling giddy one day, and I needed to set a new password…and so just like I was in junior high writing “I LOVE MATT” on the side of my notebook between classes, I set my password to say it.

(“I LOVE MATT” isn’t the password, by the way. What, do you think I’d just tell all of you one of my passwords?)

(Or maybe it IS the password and I’m just telling you it isn’t just to throw you off.)

(Wow, I just forever keep you hopping, don’t I?)

But don’t you remember those feelings you felt back when you and your husband were dating and you couldn’t stop thinking about him and you wanted to carve your initials together into a tree? And tell all your friends about how great he was? And write his name on stuff?

Somehow life takes over and reality sets in and we as a couple become comfortable and not so giddy anymore. That’s mostly okay. We don’t really have time to sit around and sigh and daydream.

But having my password set to remind me all day long that I LOVE MATT (or something else, or not), has been so super neat. Like, totally.  (That would be me reverting back to junior high lingo.)

Typing in the words reminds me several times a day of how much I love my  husband. And in the middle of a very busy life full of activity and just…busyness…those reminders are a valuable treasure.

So, just a suggestion:  Set up a password or two to say something great about your relationship with your husband. You’ll appreciate the loving reminders!

LAURA AND MATT FOREVER XOXOXO

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: GET HELP!!!

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I had another Help Meet post all sweetly written up to encourage you to empower your husband to be better. But that one is going to have to wait.

You know why? Because there are marriages all around me that are hurting and falling apart. If I hear of one more marriage break up from people that I love and care about, I’m just going to scream! Right now I’m mad. I’m mad and I’m sad and my heart is broken. I’m mad at Satan for destroying marriages and I’m mad at couples for letting Satan do what he loves and is so good at doing. Christians and non-Christians alike are letting Satan win. Stop it. Stop it!!! Stop it!!!!!

If your marriage is less than wonderful…you don’t get to cop out. You DON’T! You don’t get to say, “Laura, I know what the Bible says…but you just don’t know what I’ve been through in my marriage.”

You know what I keep hearing from couples who are deciding to split up? “We’ve had trouble for years.” “There have been issues in our marriage for years.” “We’ve always had really difficult things to work through in our marriage.” 

Oh, really? You’ve had trouble for years? How shocking! Name one married couple that hasn’t “had trouble for years”! Everyone always thinks their troubles are harder to work through than anyone else’s troubles. And so…working through them just doesn’t seem like an option.

You want to know why your marriage is difficult?  It’s because marriage is difficult!  It’s because two sinners married each other and have to try to figure out how to live together in harmony with God in the center. Satan hates what you’re trying to do and he’s going to do everything he can to destroy you. It’s a spiritual battle. So yes, THAT is difficult.

If your marriage is in ANY kind of trouble…PLEASE GET HELP! Before it’s too late. Too many couples are ashamed or embarrassed or too full of pride to ask for help. Then they are divorced before anyone who loves them has a chance to help. Please, please don’t do that. I beg you.

Asking for help is hard. Asking for help means you may face the opportunity to be convicted of your own sin. Or be asked to offer forgiveness to your spouse. Or to let go of bitterness. Or to change something difficult about the way you are living. Those things are going to be gut-wrenchingly difficult. Awful. Painful.

But who are you living for?  If you’re living for yourself, then by all means go right ahead and give up on your marriage. If you’re living for yourself, it won’t matter to you how much you hurt your children, your friends, your family, your church and your spouse. As long as you feel like you are going to be “better off”, then go ahead and do whatever you want to do.

But if you are truly striving to live for Jesus, I’m going to beg you to please let go of yourself and all the fears you have about forgiveness and change…and please humbly accept help.

I’ve watched some of my friends walk through extremely difficult marital issues…and they survived! Their marriages have been in the trenches…and with God’s incredible strength…they have dug themselves out and come out on the other side with a new marriage to each other! It’s been beautiful to watch! They wanted to quit. They wanted to leave. But they worked and they fought and they sweated and they cried and they learned how to let go of the bondage that was keeping them from the kind of joy God purposes for a marriage. They did it and so can you!!

Please let God help heal your marriage. Your children deserve your hard work and so do you. 

Disclaimers and some of the “Yeah Buts”:  Please know that I’m not writing to condemn anyone. I know some of you  have been through tremendous trials in your marriage. I know some of you are divorced. Some of you have endured physical abuse. Some of you had spouses who refused to stay married to you no matter how hard you tried or what you did to make it work. Some of you needed to get out of a marriage because your children were being sexually abused. I really am writing this post because while those are legitimate reasons to split, those reasons are VERY FEW, and the issues I’ve heard of recently are SO VERY FIXABLE!!! And that is why my heart cried out in this post.

And now, I’m going to go hug and appreciate my precious husband. If we’ve learned anything by watching friends and loved ones break up and divorce, it has been that we MUST go to great lengths to protect and nurture our marriage together. My husband and I are prayerfully clinging to one another right now…and I’d like to encourage you and your spouse to do the same. Your marriage depends on it.

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Pray for Your Husband (+ a Giveaway!!)

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Be sure to catch up on the rest of this series here.

Last time, we talked about working hard to make sure our relationship with God is strong and alive so that we can be readily equipped to meet the needs of our husband.

Today, let’s talk about praying for our husbands.

Besides making sure your relationship with God is what it should be, praying for your husband is one of the most important things you can do as his help meet. You may not be able to change anything about your husband. You may not be able to help your husband be successful at his work. You may not be able to make your husband become a stronger spiritual leader.

But God can.

God loves your husband more than you do. God wants your husband to be spiritually minded. God wants your husband to love Him and serve Him. God wants your husband to meet your needs and the needs of your family.

You can talk to your husband about these desires. You can hurt for your husband when he struggles. You can encourage your husband to do more of the things you want him to do. You can beg your husband to become more of the man you want him to be.

But most of the time, you just need to shut-up and pray.

Love your husband. Respect your husband. Take care of your husband’s physical needs. Listen to your husband. Be kind to your husband. 

And pray for your husband.

Pray for his role as a father. Pray for his role as your husband. Pray for his work. Pray for his other relationships. Pray for his struggles. Pray for his weaknesses. Pray for his strengths. Pray for his spiritual growth. 

The prayer of a righteous [wo]man is powerful and effective.  (Read James 5:13-18.)
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Going right along with this idea of praying for our husbands…Taraleigh of FBS Books (take note of her sponsorship button on my sidebar) is offering to give away one of the books from her shop, Prayers of an Excellent Wife. 

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Prayers of an Excellent Wife appears to be a fantastic resource to help us learn the art of praying for our husbands consistently, faithfully and according to scripture.

I’d like to encourage you to take a good look around FBS Books as it is filled with wonderful resources!! Thank you so much Taraleigh for offering to share Prayers of an Excellent Wife with one of my readers! This book is sure to be a blessing!
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For a chance to win a copy of Prayers of an Excellent Wife:

  1. Leave a comment here on this post letting us know something you pray for your husband about (or would like to begin praying for him about).
  2. For a second chance at winning a copy of this book, join me in becoming a facebook fan of FBS books! This will be a great way to keep up to date with their sales and new products! Once you become a fan, be sure to leave a second comment here letting me know!

Everyone sign up to win this book…then get on your knees for your husband. Your marriage will be blessed as a result! Thank God for the chance to lift our needs up to Him!

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Becoming a Better Help Meet to Your Husband

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helpmeet

It has been placed on my heart to write a series about how we can each be a better help meet to our husbands.

You can be assured that as I felt God urging me to write it…I tried very hard to argue with Him (which we all know is always so very effective). 

My arguments included:

  • Don’t I need to be some super-wife to write a series like that? 
  • Don’t I need to wait until my  husband and I have been married for like 147 years or so before I write something like that? 
  • Don’t I need to have a special degree in marriage and family and blissful marital bondedness? 
  • Don’t I need to wait until I’ve learned to always be gracious and sweet and loving and patient and I don’t know…nearly perfect…to write a series like that?
  • And what about that one very specific thing that God created only for married people to do? You know what I’m talking about? Mmhmm…that. I’ve never mentioned that on my blog. How am I supposed to talk about that? If I do this series, I’ll have to address that a time or two since that is a pretty important part of marriage and being a help meet. 

After much arguing…the score chalked up to be:

Laura – Zero, start typing.
God – One, but don’t worry I’ll help you.

And so, it is with much prayer and humility that I begin this series. 

I know that not all of you are married yet. I know that some of you are divorced or widowed. I know that some of you are in difficult marriages. I know that some of you might disagree with part of what I share.

Please understand that I’m writing what God has put on my heart. I’m writing only from my experiences. I’m writing without any training or degree in this area. I’m writing based on what I’ve read in God’s Word. I’m writing as one dishpan-handed wife to another.

I’m writing because our marriages are sacred and holy. Our marriages deserve to be preserved, honored, rescued and treasured.

What better way to Make our Homes Heavenly than through our marriages!

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