Let me just get all the arguments out of the way right now. Facebook can be great and is a wonderful way to connect with people. I am rarely on FB, but have found it to be a super way to “find” old classmates, see pictures of friends and family, learn news of babies born and read of ways I can be praying for people I love. (For the record, by “old” classmates I totally mean “young” classmates because wow, we are all so incredibly youthful. I should have said former classmates, yes?)
Facebook can be purely innocent and can offer a wonderful connection to the outside world, especially for moms who really just need an adult to commiserate with them on a day that the poop got smeared across the piano keys while the cell phone simultaneously got dropped into the toilet.
Facebook in and of itself is not evil. Are we clear on that? This is not a post telling you to avoid all appearances of FB and woe to the person who updates her status or changes his profile picture. I’ll even go so far as to encourage you to hit my “like” button so that you can be a fan of Heavenly Homemakers on Facebook if you so choose.
However, just like everything that can and should be used for a good purpose, Facebook has been a party to destroyed marriages. It’s sneaky and subtle and can creep up on a person before they realize that damage has been done. Sounds just like the way Satan works, doesn’t it?
I’m pretty sure most people do not log into Facebook with the plan to get too close to someone who is of the opposite sex and cross any boundaries that should not be crossed. But I’ve seen it happen and I’ve seen divorce as the outcome. It’s heartbreaking and it’s gut-wrenching and I’m here to beg you to please be careful.
If you choose to be on Facebook, I think it is important to be very selective in deciding what you post. I’ve seen gals post information about their bras, about their bodies, about the fact that they’re getting ready to go take a shower. It may seem innocent, but for REAL…that is too much information to share with all of your “friends”.
Also, please be careful about your Facebook conversations with others, especially with people of the opposite sex. It’s somehow much easier to say things on screen that we would NEVER say to someone’s face, which of course makes it much easier to cross lines we know better than to cross.
We have to work daily to protect our marriages. Facebook is just one small example that has been on my heart lately.
Hey…here’s an idea! How about using your Facebook status updates as a way to build up your spouse? Share with your “friends” something great that your husband did or a reason you’re proud of him. Nothing says, “I love my husband, everyone else back off!” like a wife who can’t stop saying great things to others about her man.
See? Go check this out. I just updated my Facebook status to say something great about Matt. Easy as that, I’m doing something positive for my marriage and using Facebook for good.
If you’re a Facebooker, can I challenge you to do the same? :)
How true! So glad you posted this. My wonderful hubby and I have been talking quite a bit about this very topic. Facebook (as well as blogging and other hobbies) can be addicting and people get caught up in it to the neglect of personally interacting not only with their husbands, but their children too. Setting boundaries on when and how long we’re on FB really helps. Appreciate you encouraging us to be aware of how things like FB can become an obstacle in our lives and our marriages – keeping us distracted and not focused on the Lord and His will for us as wives and mothers.
Blessings to you, kel
http://www.facebook.com/TheNourishingHome
My fb status is “I adore my husband =]”
I love these posts and I love posting about how amazing my husband and daughter are! =]
We combined our Facebook accounts. Facebook doesn’t allow an “AND” all by itself…but if you just make it one long word (ie. CliffANDClaire Huxtubel) then you can. :)
My husband rarely checked Facebook anyways, but now we both can get on at anytime, which keeps us accountable. Just like my husband has to set up barriers for himself in the workplace, I need to set up barriers for myself at home.
My husband and I did the very same thing! :)
My hubby and I share an account as well.
My rule of thumb when adding “friends” is to never add men who are not close family. My brother, one cousin, and my father-in-law are the sum total of the men I’m friends with! I once had a chat conversation with an old male friend from college. It was purely innocent, we talked about traveling. But my husband seemed jealous, and I think it would be honoring him to make sure that I’m not even befriending any other men. It’s easier to claim innocence that way. And even if I’m not the one seeking an extra-marital affair, you never know if the men are!
Also, as far as time spent online, this is something I’ve often struggled with. My solution is to keep the computer OFF until naptime. Usually, I have at least a good hour or even more of time to be online. Since I have such a limited amount of time, I tend to scan things quicker (email, FB, blogs, etc.) and don’t spend as much time just “sitting.”
This happened to me too. One of my old boyfriends found me and
requested to be my friend. I added him, but then he kept wanting to
chat with me and would talk about all the good times we had together.
I didn’t feel right about it, so I deleted him.
I guess that’s a good thing about it, you can just delete someone you
don’t want to talk to and never have to hear from them again. Lol!
Great idea, Laura. Done!
This is so true. I had to delete a “friend” from years gone by when he started instant messaging me inappropriate comments. After that I decided to clean house and delete other people. If I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting my husband, children or pastor read their comments, out they went.
I am blessed with a wonderful family, and I do adore my husband. I try to make that reflect in what I say and do.
I actually was getting so depressed with facebook that I don’t go anymore. I was seeing people I know and love ruin their lives by turning away from God> I thought here I am reading about what they do or dont’ do I can spend this time better. I can use it to pray for them at least.
I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade. I did have some lovely conversations with family and was able to post some pertinant “news” like articles, but it wasn’t worth it to me.
My husband has my password and I have his. I have never actually logged in as him to check on in anything and he has on mine at my request to check something when I couldn’t but we both know that the other can if they want to.
Also, I think you have to be on your guard and careful at all times with your marriage. There are traps and snares everywhere!
Good article!
I know this has nothing to do with this post (I’ve alreay commented)… BUT my peas and tomatos are growing! I planted them from seeds on Thursday and both are sprouting amazing! I have never grown veggies before and oh boy am I excited. Just had to share! =]
Ooh, that is so exciting!!
I know! Thank you! If it wasn’t for me finding your site, I would have
never tried to grow anything, or found Azure Standard! You are truly a blessing
to my family! =]
In the theme of facebook, I’ll hit “LIKE” =)
Way to go, Samantha!
Focus on the Family just did a 5 part report on this…..even sighting people who have cyber affairs because they are so unhappy in their own world.
It has already destroyed one great friend of mine’s marriage because the grass looked greener to her to see a “friend” on the other side. It destroyed her whole life when she took the leap.
We must look for what is pure and what is noble….Satan will get us hooked before we know it.
thanks Laura….always praying for you 6.
I cancelled my FB account a while back because it was such an incredible time sucker in my life. All I did with old friends was say “Hi” and maybe catch up on what’s happened since high school in 2 or 3 paragraphs. That was it. I hated reading about peppermint mocha creamer being available now, or the coffee they just made.
But for those of you who have accounts, one thing I did when adding a man as a friend was to invite his wife as a friend, too, even if I never met her. I would tell her in the invite how I knew her husband and that I like to friend the wives so they don’t think I’m up to anything weird with their man. Some accepted, some didn’t, but a few did thank me for doing that.
I can’t really relate to this. Although I’ve heard stories about these issues, I can’t imagine something like that in my own life. I think that people just need to be clear about boundaries all the way around.
I have lots of male friends on FB, and we mostly talk about our kids and such, just as I do with my female friends. Certainly nothing untoward. But I am not “Friends” with anyone that I wouldn’t mind sitting down with and sharing a meal with my husband and kids. It is nice to connect with old friends, including old male friends, but I am very happy in my marriage and would never consider cheating. You have to KNOW that about yourself. Really KNOW that, and your spouse needs to know it too. And none of my male friends, even those I know very well (platonic roommates on a college abroad trip, old boyfriends) have never made any comments that were inappropriate in that way. If they were, they’d be done. That said, my husband has met many of them, and he is very secure in our marriage, as I am, so neither of us has any worries in that respect.
AS a matter of fact, my husband isn’t on FB (but he could turn on my computer and see my account at any time, were he so inclined), so several of his old friends from around the country have found me instead. I’ve never met them, but I got them in touch with him, and now I feel like we are all old friends (An old friend of his from grade school even dropped an impromptu note to tell me he was in town. I’d never met him, but I went and picked him up and brought him to have lunch with my husband and the kids).
I think we all need to be sure that we don’t allow any sort of “screen time” to negatively impact our marriages (TV included), and we need to make sure that we have trusting marriages in which we are comfortable having our spouses check in on us if they like, and they are so comfortable that they don’t feel a need to bother (and visa versa). I really think that is the ultimate goal in this social networking climate.
agree with you 100%!
I cancelled my account and just made my husband’s account both of ours w/ a hyphen. My husband can and does every once in a while check FB from his phone, or at home.
This has helped me. What I post comes across as ok from both us, so.. it better be! It resolves the temptation to post silly nothings.
I can understand your reasons for this post, however, I firmly believe there must be SOME amount of trust between husband and wife, else there are no grounds for staying together. No one can seriously blame any social networking site for ending/destroying their marriage—-the marriage dissolved for reasons that were certainly present long before Facebook/MySpace/etc. was an issue. The constant, obsessive, use of any particular networking entity may be a symptom of the disease, but most assuredly not the disease itself. Folks need to stop blaming everything and everyone else for their “sins”, including Satan, and start taking responsibility for their own actions. I’m not a fan of “the Devil made me do it”—we certainly award him far too much credit! He is neither omnipotent, omnipresent, nor omniscient. As the Scriptures indicate, people can do bad ALL BY THEMSELVES.
My husband and I each have our own FB accounts, as do our two grown children and our 12 year old son. Our 12 yr. old rarely uses it and his account is blocked to only allow family and specific friends (that we have approved) to have access—–because we live so far from extended family and because several of my son’s friends have moved away recently, this is a fantastic tool for keeping in touch (especially when my oldest son was in Iraq and again when he deploys to Afghanistan at the end of the year), sharing photographs, posting a favorite quote or a homemade video, etc.
Finally, there is that pesky little thing that the Bible speaks of, that we so often forget about, called SELF-CONTROL (Proverbs, Galations, 2 Peter, and many others)!! It is our responsibility to “police” ourselves when it comes to using our time wisely, not giving in to temptation, remaining faithful to our spouse, etc. Saying NO, in almost any situation, is actually a very easy thing to do. When it comes right down to it, it’s all about CHOICE.
Thank you for offering some lovely posts with a plethora of useful information and encouragement. I am a new reader, but I look forward to continuing my “visits”
Blessings, Patti
I totally agree with you, Patti. Thanks for your message. My husband and I each have our own, too, with friends from grade school, high school, early military. We both use our accounts as witnessing tools. One of his high school classmates is a Buddhist, for example, and asked him to be her friend. I post Bible verses, hymn stories, etc. We keep each other accountable, and yet trust each other, and share everything.
How right you are..FB can be a vessel for bringing temptation to full throttle. I’m so glad it’s not an issue in our home, but I’ve heard of men/women carrying on relationships that aren’t at all honoring to their spouses, or to God.
On the other hand, I enjoy FB for staying connected to friends and family.
Great post..thank you.
:)Erin
Good reminder Laura. I do not have a Facebook account, for many reasons. Personally, I am saddened by the disconnect in our society and talk regularly to those I care about. If we’ve lost touch, it’s probably for a reason. People always think “it won’t happen to me” but that’s how it starts, with a proud heart. Don’t get into that temptation to begin with…
Yep, seen it happen too and it bears reminding that getting too friendly with someone of the opposite sex (and the same sex too) can be detrimental to your marriage relationship. We need other relationships but your marriage one must take priority and be number 1 in your life…so thankful for my husband being my best and favorite friend.
My husband and I deleted our facebook’s about a year ago. We had both been on at the beginning when it was limited to college students. It was useful then to connect with other students and to organize events. However, as time passed I realized that it was no longer a useful tool. I felt uncomfortable with some of the ads and privacy issues (selling personal information). I also think that people use facebook as a substitute for real connections ( reading your profile updates instead of writing an e-mail/picking up the phone).
I have had facebook for quite a while, and I use it to share pictures with out of town family. However, I noticed that it started to really bother me. I began comparing myself to my female “friends.” Everyone posted the great places they went, how good their kids were being, and the wonderful things they were doing with their kids. I am proud of my family, too, but I started to internalize these things and think that I wasn’t doing enough for my family. This wasn’t good for me or my marriage.
I have really cut down on how much time I spend with it, and this has helped. My husband and I have separate accounts, and we use these to keep up with our young friends from the high school youth group.
What you said about what we post on facebook really is true about anything we say about our husbands. I try not to say anything that tears down my husband’s standing in someone else’s eyes, and USUALLY say things that build him up (although there are times when I’m really frustrated and I just try and be neutral!) Even general man-bashing is not healthy for our marriages, as it breeds an attitude of discontentedness. I even have to be careful that a little teasing doesn’t become hurtful. Thanks for encouraging us to keep our marriages healthy and strong!
Great post Laura! It truly is amazing what people are willing to say in a Facebook post that they would never say to someone’s face.
Our church has really been focusing on this issue…not just in marriage but in our Christian testimony as well. What does it say about me if I profess Jesus as my savior and then post vacation pictures of myself in a tiny bikini partying at a bar or post a rude comment about my husband? Of course none of us are perfect, but we should be doing our best to be intentional in all that we say and do.
Thank you for the reminder that we always need to be thinking before we speak…or post!
great reminder! i have my hubby’s password and he has mine. a while back, a friend of mine posted a blog about the negativity on FB. that rang so true with me. i agree, there is waaayyyy too much negativity. and i believe there is a difference between someone posting about a bad day they had from time to time and a steady stream of negative posts. so, i made a commitment to keep it positive. that doesn’t mean i don’t share a struggle from time to time, especially if its the 8th time in a row the kids have been sick. =) but, i make it a point to write a praising post about my hubby regularly. one of my friend’s husbands (who i am “friends” with, and my husband is actually good friends with) has actually started joking that i am married to superman because i talk about how great he is. I told my “friend” that yes, i am married to superman and he’s awesome. =)
It seems that something like facebook can expose the problems in a person’s marriage that was already there to begin with. I don’t think it usually happens as innocently as one might think.
Great post! I always try to say something positive about God or my family. :) Wonderful reminder for all of us.
First of all, thank you, I know that sometimes these topics are hard for you to post! I totally agree! Facebook was really nice to connect with friends, and not just from school, but old ( I mean former ) church friends, at one time everyone I know was on facebook. I had over three hundred friends and friends of friends. Then one of my friends contacted me on facebook via the chat feature, and told me that she was stuck in England and needed money to get home, and could I wire her $1000.00. I told her that I would contact her family for her, and she said no please don’t disturb them, it would only worry them. It tugged at my heartstrings, so I called my husband at work to ask him what we should do. My friend told me that she had been mugged and that her purse was taken and all her money and passport were gone. How could I not send her money. Well I run every decision by my husband, as I am sure we all do. He told me to call my friend house phone ( he is so smart ) I thought what good would that do, and he said just trust me. so low and behold when I called my friends home phone here in Ohio, She picked up, and said hello! Much to both of our shock and surprise someone had hacked into her facebook and email account and had been talking to all of her friends, not just me! Pretty scary stuff if you ask me. I had been thinking of giving up facebook anyway, because I found myself checking it several times a day, and it was a time drain. My husband has always had access to my email and facebook, our computer sits in our main living area, not behind any door! I have had male friends, and to be honest some level of discomfort with that, but when my friend had her account high jacked, it really opened my eyes, and made it easy to give it up. I just watched something on 20/20 or some show like that about how the creator of facebook is really sly with his privacy policy. That made me a bit uneasy as well. I know that this is a long comment, but I was glad to see you post about this topic!
Yeah, that’s the oldest trick in the book. I was REALLY hoping and now Im glad you didn’t fall for it.
I didn’t read all the posts but am sure it has already been said, my husband and I thought a long time before becoming each others friends on FB I never post anything that I would want the WORLD to know, it I want to talk like that I chat one on one with my sister usually or call her or my other sister. I have seen how people get in big spats on FB and really sorry but I don’t want to read about it and I am sure if my husband and I are spilling out guts we don’t want to read about it on FB. My husband does have a few “friends” that I don’t think he should have but he is very bland on FB about what he is saying and even before we were friends I had his account info and he liked me to check it. But I can see how it gets out of hand and you do have to be soo careful, the world is hard enough without adding things like cyberspace to the mix.
I quit facebook awhile ago because it became such an addiction/time waster for me (I was convicted from the passage about being being ‘busy-bodies’ and joining in on ‘idle gossip’. and as well because it became so annoying to me what people put on there. Aside from the marriage privacy issue-I find it quite rude when you find out new family news/issues on facebook versus a personal phone call. Not cool. I also feel that people are way too liberal about the pictures that they put up….serioulsy…can we keep nothing private anymore??
This is a good message to put out. This is what destroyed my marriage……facebook and the online computer. 15 years and 5 kids don’t matter once the enemy gets in.
Pray for us during this very difficult time. I pray that my husband comes to know the Lord as his savior. For now He has no interest in the Lord or his family; I never thought me or my family would be a divorce statistic.
Praying for you Jennifer. I hope you have a supportive church family.
Thank you for your prayers. We do have a wonderful church family and great support group but are getting ready to move in a couple weeks back to where our family is. (military had us far way) But God is in control and has already showed us he will provide. So scary and unknown but I can rest in his hands.
Ugh, so sorry to hear this. I’ve been so sad to watch my friends go through something similar, partly because of FB and I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you too.
I’m praying for you to stay strong in the Lord through this, and for your husband to realize what he is doing and to come back to the Lord.
thank you for your prayers
Thank you for sharing your heart with us! Facebook can be good but Satan can also try and trick us into allowing small things to be okay and then they lead to bigger and bigger things that you don’t want to get into…all because I little areas we let our guard down in. In 1 Peter 5:7-8, God’s Word says to “Cast all our anxiety on him because He cares for you.Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
We need to face it. Satan is after our marriages. We have to stand strong against the attacks of the enemy and be on guard at all times so that we don’t fall into his traps!
I totally agree that facebook could destroy marriages. I’ve seen it happen. But one must also be careful who they “friend” and let God lead us in the right things to say (and not to say) to others. This will definitely keep it from going too far.
I will also say that we should be careful not to put blame on satan for our own actions. Yes satan loves evil and laughs at us when we mess up. But God has given us a free will and we sin by nature. We need to take responsibility for our mishaps and think before we act.
Several of my friends have “joint” pages, such as Bob Jane Smith” – I think that is a really good idea. So what ever you are ‘saying’ to Bob, you are also saying to his wife, Jane, and vice versa.
I had a married friend who reconnected with a married high school boyfriend through FB. Long story short…they are both now divorced and remarried to each other. And two families are left behind to pick up the pieces…
neither my husband nor i have facebook account it sounds like a hassel to me i have friends i call regularty and my husband calls his parents daily
Wow so so good and very needed to be said!
From my FB experience we need to be careful about how we talk TOO good about our husbands. If you think your husband is the sweetest hottest husband, go tell him that not everyone else. It makes other women so uncomfortable and sometimes jealous if you go on about all of the things he does for you. Hope that makes sense. (-:
My mom always taught me not to create word pictures for people and that has helped me so much.
Thanks Laura!
Good advice.
so true! much needed message!! thank you for putting this out there and providing this warning! mY heart breaks for those who are walking through this right now!!
Thanks for the post. I completely agree. I make it a point not to add any males as friends, unless of course they are cousins, uncles or brothers. This has helped me avoid any such problems. To keep in touch with male friends and families, I add their spouse and only communicate through her. It has helped me fight off any schemes the devil may have had.
Keep up the great work, love your stuff :-)
good post! My husband and I share a fb page, and we only have our family members, a few friends from church, and then I have a few blogs/websites on there too-but total for all of them is 56 ‘friends’ and I only go on once or twice a week :)
It’s a great way to keep in touch with our out of state relatives and friends, but we make sure not to use it too much!
Loved this post! My status from yesterday: “Merry Jo is so, so happy that 13 years ago today, under the illumination of a stoplight, my love asked me to be his girlfriend. :) Happy date-versary, Scott! I love you more and more every day! ?” I love posting things about my hubby on FB, because he’s great! Although he does like to “hack” my account and make my status say things like “MJ can’t believe how lucky she is to have a smokin’ hot husband like she does!” I don’t mind it because it’s all in fun, plus it gets chuckles out of my friends. :)
That is really sad. My husband and I both use FB regularly, and we like to say nice things about one another every once in a while. We both agree, though, that we need to be careful about what we say. Basically, I try to imagine saying this to someone at church in the fellowship room. If it wouldn’t be appropriate there, it’s not appropriate for my status. I never chat, not with anyone. I am always “offline”. And I never private message anyone male. Well, my father-in-law did message me once to remind me to bring something to a get together.
I like to share a lot of natural living information with my friends. You wouln’t believe how many women I have pointed to this blog, or encouraged to cloth diaper, or a million other things. My mom tells me I have quite a following among the ladies in her church, every Sunday they are talking to her about my whole foods cooking, or sewing, or whatever. It has been a very positive tool for us. My husband has a lot of family overseas and FB is a great way for them to see our family and get to know me, even though we’ve never met. That is how I got started on FB, was getting on there to “meet” the family before we were married.
The one person in my family that doesn’t have a FB is my Nana and she
is the one to “brag” about her grand daughter’s homemaking skills!
She gave my email out to many of her luncheon friends and I have had to
give them my recipie for laundry detergent, homemade bread (with credit
to Laura of course!) and the link to this website. They are facinated
that young women (I am 20) and doing things the way they did when they
were my age.
My husband and I feel that if my Ruby (a very dear friend to the family)
would frown upon something we write, we don’t write it! =]
I love that you “met” your in laws over FB. It proves it can be used
for good!
I agree, and husband and wife should both be the friend of someone if it’s going to be a developing friendship or reacquaintance.
I’m going to throw in another angle. Parents need to be on FB to see what their kids are doing. I’ve been shocked and amazed at how many parents don’t do Facebook, but then let their kids do it. Thus many kids are doing things, posting comments, watching video’s, etc. that are not healthy.
And that can even cause contentions to a marriage, because if one parent says yes, the kid can be on FB, but the other parent says no, then I think it should defer to the parent who says no, because they are more likely to be the one doing the “discerning” if something is not good or not.
I have found an immense style of conversation that has developed among kids that if parents saw all the sarcasm, rudeness, crassness, immoral and suggestive, or just outride foul language that is being posted, I think parents would be quite shocked. This is happening in the homeschool movement in a big way. Kids posting things and thinking they are “better than the public school” kids, but there is no difference.
And the parents are completely unaware. This is likely a reflection of what is going on in the home also. Parenting and marriage stability go hand in hand. As a husband and wife need to work together to have a good marriage, it also means setting the tone for the next generation, since those kids likely will be on facebook sooner than later.
Thus the husband and wife need to set the example by living out boundaries on Facebook to teach their kids boundaries in real life.
Facebook could be a good tool for that, but it does have it’s addictive dangers, and can also lead to even parents getting upset and blaming other parents or kids or adults, when it’s actually their own kids who are saying, doing things they shouldn’t. Husband and wife should make all family members accountable, not just some. This will help parents also be better “trainers” and team mates in the raising of their children.