It’s a good thing none of my kids have friends or like people. Otherwise homeschooling sure would be a drag.
Yes. We just stay home all day long reading books. In Latin.
The kids like it that way. It’s a good thing, too, since there aren’t any sports, music, or drama opportunities for them.
Special events like Prom? Nah. Stuff like that would take away from our traditional Saturday evening family folk-singing hour.
The Truth About Homeschooling Extroverted (and Introverted) Kids
Let’s see. How long have I been doing this homeschool thing with my kids? I believe this would be year number 14. That doesn’t make me an expert, but it does mean that I’ve heard just about every fear parents have about homeschooling, every weird thing people say about socialization, and every question people have about the possibility of actually getting their kids through school in one piece. I’ve had all of the good days and all of the bad days and all of the days that not only make me question why we chose to homeschool but why we chose to have children at all.
Today let’s talk about whether your kids are introverts or extroverts and how that works with homeschooling.
We have four sons ages 11-18. While they haven’t taken the actual survey to properly pin-point their personality types, and while our third son is so laid back it’s hard to tell if he even has a vert at all, I can tell you that it is very clear to me that our oldest and our youngest are very much extroverts. (When discussing this earlier in the week, our second son informed us that he is both an omnivert and a herbivert – because he likes both meat and vegetables. He is the kid who taught me how to make up words.)
Let’s begin by talking about my extroverted kids – one of whom graduated last year after 13 years of homeschool and just successfully completed his first semester away at college.
Just last week, while talking about college life, our oldest said something about how many people there were on campus to be friends with and how there just wasn’t enough time in the day to spend time with all of the people he would love to spend time with. Of the 475ish students on campus, Asa knows almost all of them and is a part of their friend circle in some way. He loves being with people. He can be in rooms full of people for days, then end the week by saying, “We should have some people over.”
And our youngest. He’s 11. While explaining personality differences a few weeks ago, I could barely get the definitions out about introverts (get energy by being alone) and extroverts (get energy by being with people) before he interrupted and said, “Oh, I’m definitely that extra-one. Whatever you call it.” Yeah buddy. I know. Malachi loves his people time. He can hardly stand it when I close my door to work alone because he has so many sentences and necessary pieces of information to share and he can’t stand that I might miss something.
Justus (almost 16) and Elias (almost 14) sit more on the introverted side of the fence. They can spend hours alone working on music and writing lyrics with headphones on and be perfectly content for days. Funny though. Those two have just as many friends as my extroverted sons.
So point number one:
1. Every kid – introvert, extrovert, can’t-decide-which-vert – every kid needs people.
I am every bit of an introvert (I recharge by being alone), yet I have oodles of friends whom I love and need in my life. All of us are either introverted or extroverted and have many, many people whom we love and need in our lives. The same goes for our kids.
We all need people. We all need relationships. We all need to deny self (whatever that might look like for each of us) in order to serve and love others.
The word “socialization” makes me want to pull out my eyeballs with salad tongs. If the world would stop focusing on getting our kids socialized and simply focus on teaching our kids to love people the way Jesus loves people, that would probably solve…well, most of this world’s junk that needs to be solved. If everyone did the people thing the way God created each of us to do the people thing (introvertedly or extrovertedly) – wouldn’t that just be nifty?
So, no matter our personality type, we all need people. Therefore, I have absolutely concluded that being an extrovert or an introvert doesn’t make one more or less suited to be homeschooled. Which leads me to…
2. Going to a school building with lots of children and teachers does not necessarily meet the extrovert’s needs better than homeschooling.
While I think there are parts of “going to school” my extroverted kids would enjoy, there are other parts that would be very difficult for them. This is in no way a comparison or a “my way is better than your way” post. On the contrary, I am saying that there are different ways to meet an extrovert’s needs and being in a classroom full of kids is only one of those ways.
It’s a (big, fat, salad tong, eyeball) myth that homeschoolers are “home all day” or “never with people.” Goodness, there have been many weeks that I wondered how we could ever actually be home long enough to finish our school work (the kind that involves books and software).
Our family life is naturally full of people. Ironically, the fullness of this is actually because of the fact that we homeschool. I believe our time and social circle might be more limited if we didn’t homeschool. Interesting to think about.
Our church life and ministry focus’ includes several outings each week – all full of people. The older boys go to church camp up to 7 weeks during the summer between weeks of serving as counselor or enjoying time as a camper because they love it so much and want to live there forever. There are monthly youth rallies hosted by churches all over Nebraska where our boys meet up with dozens of their friends to worship, eat nachos, and not sleep for 56 hours straight.
And then there’s soccer in the spring and fall and basketball all winter. Plus we invite people to our house frequently. There are field trips and homeschool gym days and science days. I’d write more about what we do with people, but as an introvert, this list is starting to make me tired. Which leads me to…
3. Introverted parents need to be aware of their extroverted kids’ needs.
My extroverted kids obviously love the “going” and the “doing” more than I do. What energizes them wears me out (in more ways than one because I’m 42 and there’s only so much coffee). But it is very important that I realize that they need the going and the people just as much as I need the quiet and the alone time.
As mentioned in point number 2, providing people time for my kids hasn’t been incredibly difficult. It happens naturally in our lives because of our choices and priorities, and because of what our boys have latched onto as they’ve discovered their gifts and interests. Thankfully, the older they get, the more they can create the people time for themselves. They can make the phone calls and the arrangements and I can mostly sit back and provide the popcorn.
I want to be as aware of my kids’ needs for people as I need them to be aware of my need to be alone. I feel an actual ache if I haven’t had enough alone time to recharge. I imagine it’s the same for my extroverted kids when they haven’t had enough people time. I try to be aware of this and provide rides as needed and outings or invites as I can.
But on the flip side…
4. Extroverted kids need to be aware of their introverted parent’s needs.
This has been more of an issue with our youngest extrovert than it ever was with our oldest – likely because Malachi is the youngest and his older brothers have ready-made outings because of youth group and middle school/high school sports. As a fifth grader and our youngest son, Malachi finds himself at home alone with the parents while his brothers are all off doing teenage activities.
This means that I have to stretch myself a little more to accomplish point number 3 (working to meet Malachi’s extroverted needs even when it’s a stretch for me). But it also means that I’ve had to teach Malachi to understand that there are times he needs to go hang out with his Legos and let Mom enjoy some quiet. It’s been good for him to learn some of these big people concepts and understand what energizes him vs. what energizes me. I can now say, “Mom’s gotta have some closed-door quiet time so I can get some work done now.” or “Bud, my introvert is getting ready to explode. Let’s take a break after we finish this game so I can recharge.”
He gets it. It’s actually kind of cool and maybe, just maybe it’ll help him in future relationships.
5. And the flip side of all of those…
If you are an extroverted parent with an introverted kid, be aware that if you drag them around to lots of outings where there are lots of people, they might melt down when their introverted self gets tired. The exhaustion is a real thing and what might come out as naughtiness, might actually just be weariness from all the people. Plan accordingly. If your introvert needs to sit alone and read a book for a while so they don’t choke someone, well…just pack a book.
6. This isn’t just about homeschooling.
I believe most of this applies to families whose kids go to public or private school too. Each kids’ downtime needs are going to vary based on whether they are introverted or extroverted. Some may come home from school ready to invite the neighborhood over for a party. Others may need to find a quiet hole in the wall to be alone and recharge.
7. I love that God made us all different on purpose.
I’ve shared before that I have, at times, grappled uneasily with God because He made me introverted. Sometimes I feel that life would be so much easier – so much less exhausting – if I was an extrovert by nature. But picture it. What if we were all extroverted? What if we were all introverted? What if we were all go-getters – not one laid back person among us? What if all of us were quiet and reflective? What if all of us were the life of the party?
God has an obvious good system going on here with His creation. Our job is to work with what He’s given us and love and live accordingly. I’ll play my part, you play yours.
Meeting our kids’ needs through all of these differences? Well, sometimes it’s challenging. There is no one-size-fits-all formula for family life and school choices. If you ask and listen, God will make it clear to you what is right for your family. But is it possible to homeschool your extrovert? Absolutely.
Of course, that means they won’t have any friends their own age. You might consider investing in a parrot.
Tell me about your kids and school experience. Have you noticed which of your kids is more introverted or extroverted?
Ivy Mae says
Love this!
I’m homeschooling what I call an aggressively friendly extreme introvert, in the way that only a six year old can be. His favorite thing to do ever is to be the door greeter at church.
And…you guessed it–I’m an introvert! A live in the country, English major, leave-me-alone-to-work-in-my-garden introvert.
But it all works. I think homeschooling is actually better for him. He spends a lot of time narrating to me, which he loves. HS means he has an interrupted block of time where I focus only on talking to him. It also means he gets to see his grandparents all the time and that we have a lot more flexibility with hanging out with friends and doing extracurriculars. Instead of socializing only with kids exactly his age, he has friends ranging from toddlers to the elderly. Love that.
Ivy Mae says
Whoops, that first line should say “extrovert!”
Sheri says
Love this post, Laura! My children are more extroverted than I am, and we live in an extremely rural area (think 60 miles from Walmart) so it’s challenging! It can be done, though. They have friends and social outings, too. No reason to let the socialization argument dissuade you from homeschooling if it’s something you feel called to do.
Luke Holzmann says
So much good stuff in this post! I’m an introvert, but I love my people and my friends dearly — I’d just rather sit down one and one and chat about life and then go off and be alone on my computer for … like … ever, or until another friend wants to talk.
Homeschooling provides so many fantastic opportunities. And, as you say, “being an extrovert or an introvert doesn’t make one more or less suited to be homeschooled.” Yep. Yes.
~Luke
Marcella says
In addition to being able to pursue a variety of interests, our sons also grew up being comfortable interacting with a variety of age groups.
Rochelle says
It’s so nice to see your oldest doing well in college. Very encouraging as I am homeschooling a third grader and kindergartener. I feel like that day is a long way off although I’m sure it will come before I am ready.
Jill says
My 1 and 2 year old are less than a year apart so it’s very easy to compare and contrast their styles. Already I can see the indicators that Cliff is very social, high energy, and extroverted while Jack enjoys being around just 1-2 other people and playing independently. Cliff inhales foods of all kinds with gusto and is not a snuggler while Jack is very choosy about food and loves to cuddle.
Having them so close in age, where they are developing at about the same pace, has made it easy to remember that they both have unique needs. I do find myself praying for patience when I’m around my socialite, being that I’m more introverted. It’s hard to explain to a 2 year old that Mommy needs a mental break.
Christine says
Your fortunate your children embrace homeschooling. Mine do not. For whatever reason there are a large number of developmentally challenged children in our homeschool area. Instead of being sensitive to this despite our efforts, my children have labeled them “weird” and therefore all homeschoolers are “weird.” As such my children will not socialize with homeschoolers. All of their friends attend public/private school. They are both desperate to attend public school. I’ve prayed for their attitudes to change but after five years I am still saying the same prayer of acceptance.
Melissa says
Introverted Mom here, one who’s just realizing how that has contributed to my perceived failures as a parent. I have shamed myself about the exhaustion at the end of the day when all I’ve done is play with the kids (well, that and cook, clean and all the other Mom duties), about just not being able to spend one. more. second in the same room with my kids without feelings of unrest bubbling inside. I guess I thought that to E or I didn’t matter at home. Boy, was I wrong. My eyes have been opened in the past few months, and I’m trying to figure out how it all works with young boys (5, 7) and homeschooling. We, too, have activities that get us out of the house and around others, but I usually have one of the boys with me since they don’t participate in the same sports.
Amy Floyd says
I love how you put things. Thoughtfully truthful. I am the mother of 7. I am an introvert and start craving alone time every afternoon around 4pm, even after a day of just being alone with my children! Just being real :-) I have found the same things as you, and I must say it is nice when they are older and can drive because then they can carry themselves about their extroverted or introverted ways, and I can stay home and drink coffee.
Lisa says
I have three kids. When my first one turned about 2, I was introduced to homeschooling and new that was what I wanted to do!! I ran into the same criticisms regarding the socialization myth – even from my mom, which kinda hurt a little bit. Anyway, my oldest and my youngest are natural introverts (big time!). My middle child is an extrovert (big time!). When they turned into teenagers I put them in the public school because homeschooling wasn’t working anymore. Guess what? The introverts are still introverts, and the extrovert is still an extrovert. Placing them into a public school setting didn’t change that. They are what they are. Socialization is something that the kids will find if they want it.
Kadee says
I am very much an introvert. My oldest (13) is an extrovert. He always wants to be around people and out doing things. Weekends are such a struggle between us because he wants to do things, and I want to stay home, rejuvenating for the coming week. My middle (11) is more like me. He needs much more down time and alone time than most kids or he melts down. He is happy being alone and doing his own thing. He enjoys his friends, but can’t be around people and going all the time. My youngest (8) is an extrovert, and prefers to be around people, but can tolerate staying home with just family. He’s certainly more moderate than my other two who are polar opposites.
Melinda says
Thanks for the encouragement! I’m an introvert homeschooling 4 extroverts–thank goodness they have each other all day long because just being around that many people wears me out! Out of curiosity, how did your son get to go to the prom? Was he invited by a public high school girl or did y’all set something up for your home schooled teenagers? I’d love to read more posts on this kind of stuff–the nitty gritty how-to’s of homeschooling. Thanks!
Laura says
Actually, there is a group in Hastings that organizes an amazing Spring Formal for the homeschool high schoolers. Last year Asa’s date was a public school girl who declared, “That was more fun than all my homecomings and proms combined!” We feel so blessed that this is offered for our kids!!