I’m known for my love of cooking and baking. I’m the mom of four boys. I’m Matt’s wife. I’m that lady who likes eating natural food. I’m the mom who lives at the soccer field every spring and fall. I’m the one who writes a blog and a column in our local newspaper. I love jars. I love butter. This is what people know about me.
What people are always surprised to hear is this:
I am a hard core introvert.
Surely not!
(Did you just call me Shirley? You don’t even know me at all.)
My name is Laura (pronounced like this) and oh yes. I am very much an introvert.
The confusion comes when people don’t know the true definition of introvert. (Introverts are hermits, they hate people, they’re always super shy, and they can’t handle having conversations. Oh my goodness. This is so not it.) Or when people do know the true definition, but they see me flitting around all the people having lively conversations – this is when they are surprised to hear that I am introverted. Understandable.
So then, what is an introvert? There are many definitions and explanations, but here’s the most basic way I understand it and explain it to people:
An introvert can very much enjoy being with people, but will become drained after a time, and finds rest and refreshment after some time alone. An extrovert, on the other hand, is drained by alone time and instead craves and is completely rejuvenated by people time.
Oh how I crave and need alone time.
Because of this, I have too often viewed my introverted nature as a weakness. Sometimes I’m even angry with God for making me an introvert. Why, God? Why have you made me love so many people and put so many, many people in my life – but then made it so exhausting for me to be with all the people all the time?
Check it out: Introvert has a pity party, inviting only herself to the party, because well…introvert! Clearly it’s best that no one else was invited to that party anyway.
So is being an introvert a weakness?
Even as it feels that way to me at times, I know that it definitely is not. As my husband likes to point out to me: If I were extroverted, I would likely never have started this website. I would never have stayed home long enough, sat in a chair long enough, sought quiet writing time enough. That’s just one example of ways God uses my introverted nature in ministry. Spending hours in my kitchen, alone with pots and pans and mixing bowls, whipping and stirring and simmering and having all sorts of fun with food that blesses so many – I find so much refreshment in this! Extroverts can also blog and love cooking, no doubt! It’s just that those are two ways my variety of introvertedness shines through in ministry.
There are struggles and blessings with being an introvert just like there are struggles and blessings with being an extrovert. One is not better or worse than the other. One isn’t the preferred personality trait. God uses both – introverts and extroverts for His purposes.
How do I find rest?
My biggest struggle with being an introvert is that I am so rarely alone. There are a lot of people in my life that I love and want to spend time with. There are many needs – starting with my husband and kids and ending with…well – there is no end to the people to love. God is teaching me that it is not my job to be all things to all people and that taking care of myself is a must if I actually want to love the people He puts in my path to serve. I’ve found that I must have alone time or I feel an actual physical and mental ache.
- I’ve learned to schedule very little activity outside my home or with people on Mondays and Thursdays if possible. (Sundays and Wednesdays are very people-filled. I’m usually extra tired on Mon. and Thurs. as a result, which is my nice way of saying that those are the days I can’t finish sentences.)
- I get up earlier than my family almost every day so that I can sit in the quiet for an extended period of time – just God and me.
- I say “no” more than I say “yes” to outside requests. I’ve learned that this is God-approved. No guilt.
- I enlist the help of my husband to provide me some much needed alone time. (Elias has practice tonight? Don’t you think Justus and Malachi should go too? You know, for the fresh air and exercise? And also because then I could be all alone all by myself with no one talking or breathing near me?)
- I practice a weekly Sabbath rest, almost every week if possible, usually on Tuesdays. I promise to write more about this sometime.
- I have had to learn the introvert/extrovert nature of my children and teach them mine so that we can make this work. (This, as in, the living together thing.)
What About My Husband and Children?
Matt is also an introvert. He rarely feels the people exhaustion I experience, though. I believe this is because his line of work lends itself to quite a bit of alone time each day, so he achieves a nice balance of people time/alone time quite naturally. (Either that or he tips the scales a little closer to the extroverted side, if in fact there is a sliding scale.)
Two out of four of our boys are absolute extroverts – our oldest and our youngest – the bookends. They love leaving and doing and being with all the people as much as possible! Some day I’ll write a post about what I’ve learned about homeschooling extroverted kids. But for today, I will say that helping us all understand our people vs. alone time needs has been very necessary and good. I want my kids to understand that when Mom needs alone time it isn’t because I don’t like being with them. I simply need some quiet time so that I’ll be healthy.
Introvert or Extrovert?
So what about you? Do you get your energy from people or from alone time? Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality test to help determine this? I have found it so helpful in understanding myself and others. No more guilt for needing alone time! (Usually. Mostly. NO! Being an introvert is not a weakness!)
Here’s the test I took most recently if you’d like to take a few minutes to see for yourself. I don’t believe these types of things are the be all and end all, but I do find them interesting (even if some of the questions I’d really have to give an I have no idea answer).
Share with us here! Introvert or Extrovert? Ambivert? That’s a real thing too.
P.S. My introvertism is why I likely won’t join Periscope and some other social media outlets. In an effort to stay sane, I just can’t do it. But I love you all the same. :)
Helen says
There’s no shame in being an introvert. I balance that out with volunteering where I interact with other people.
Margaret says
I am a ISFJ also.
Ivy Mae says
I’m an INTJ and need alone time each day also. Usually my husband does the dishes at night and I hide away in my room for an hour to recharge. My oldest son is what I call an aggressive introvert, and homeschooling him uses up all my socializing for the day! Between church activities (why is church designed specifically for extroverts?!), sports, and friends, I’m usually emotionally drained by 8pm. But I fake it really well around people, and my friends are always surprised when they find out I’m so introverted.
Probably my biggest coping strategy is living out in the country and having a garden and livestock. Can’t go to girls’ night out dinner–must weed the kale and put the chickens to bed!
Laura S says
I agree with you that it seems that church is made for extroverts. I’ve been praying and thinking about this issue lately. I am trying to figure out how to encourage my introverted family to be involved and use their gifts, while still respecting their personality.
Rhonda says
I am an ISTJ.
Lisa says
No joke, as soon as I saw the main photo I got confused thinking somehow my phone reverted back to the test I just took a day or so ago. Hello sister introvert ;) honestly though, I think our results are almost identical and I plan to utilize some of your ideas. I started waking up an hour before my family in the morning about six months ago and my goodness has it been a sanity saver. Thank you for sharing this today. I find comfort in knowing that other people feel the way I do and that it’s perfectly normal and healthy for me (I live with a house full of extroverts). Take care!!
Rachel Dawson says
Yes, please tell us how an introvert is supposed to meet the needs of her homeschooling extroverts!! I find this topic overwhelming at times since I can’t understand why on earth anyone would need that much social interaction. This makes it hard to help my children who are extroverts and need constant interaction with others. Any insights would be appreciated.
Cynthia says
Hello LAH-ra! ; )
I just wanted to de-lurk and tell you how much I enjoy your blog and especially today’s post!
You always make me laugh and today I could SO relate to what you said. I have never taken a test but I know I am definitely an introvert. I really appreciated this post because I struggle with how to be a introvert and how to fulfill the call to ‘love people’! Thanks for the encouragement!
mrs.p says
Introvert all the way. At 40 just starting to embrace my weirdness and I am ok with it. My hubby and my younest is also is intovert and my oldest is the opposite. I struggle with doing things but I push myself because I want my youngest to be active with different activity.
Rebecca says
ISFJ as well. As I have learned more about this personality type, I have felt less guilty about how I interact with people. I too have re-purposed my schedule to allow for “down” days after “interactive” days. Still finding that balance for my extroverted children who want to participate in every activity out there!
Karen says
This is such a great post, Laura! I so identify with much of what you shared. You know, I think more and more introverts are finding a creative outlet in blogging – it lends the opportunity to “be” with people, yet without being so much “on stage”.
I too get up earlier than the family just to be quiet, spend time with the Lord, and get my bearings before the day gets busy. I don’t do well at all when it gets hectic and the pace is clicking. Just this month we have purposes to *try* to make it to a park on Monday & Thursdays. Yesterday was tough, and by the time we finally got there, we could only stay 30 minutes. But, even that short visit helped calm my harried heart.
Thank you for sharing! I think many introverts often feel guilty for their need for solitude – I know I do. But, I’m learning that unless my spirit is calm and filled, I can’t serve well at all. It makes a huge difference.
Molly says
ISTJ. :-)
Today/tomorrow is a debate tournament (I’m an assistant debate coach), and when I come home, I’ll tell my husband “I need quiet time. I’m not ready to talk, just let me have quiet time for a half hour.”
That COMMUNICATION has been HUGE in our relationship. It’s not that I don’t love him or I don’t want to be with him, it’s that I’ve spent 36 hours with high schoolers and need a break.
I have some nice essential oils diffusing – doterra’s lemon and elevation. I need to remember to diffuse them everyday because it makes such a difference in my mood.
Molly says
Also, don’t you want to thank God every day for that morning coffee? I do!
Molly says
Oh! I had another thought!
Cooking food for people (like new parents) is a great option for introverts. You get to love people by working at home, in your environment, and then share with them, and sometimes the new parents aren’t so ready to visit, they just appreciate the food and then need to nap.
Ok, I’ll get cracking on my to-do list now….
Jay says
I love this post.
My husband are both INFJ’s. And we homeschool 4 little people.
I am sure 3 of them are Screamingly extroverted! Thank goodness 1 of them is introverted. It’s amazing my closest female friends are extroverts. I love them but it can be exhausting.
We take our Sabbath rest seriously and I happily, gleefully say no to outside commitments often. We try to balance out outside commitments for the extroverted littles so they get what they need.
Thank you for sharing your ideas and heart, and this information to the masses that don’t understand introverted does not mean shy. It means we recharge in our alone time.
Amy says
As a chaplain in the Navy, my husband is certified in Myers-Briggs personality testing. I’ve read everything he’s brought home on the subject, and find it fascinating. The details of ways in which personality types interact is so fun to analyze. I think we’ve secretly analyzed everyone in our church. Lol! Seriously, though, it has actually helped me be more sensitive in my interactions with others. I’m an ESTJ, and my husband us an ISTJ. Oddly, I’m the stay at home homeschool mom, and he’s the pastor/chaplain. :)
Julia says
I took the same test and my picture is almost identical to yours. I had to double check to make sure it was truly mine!
Nancy Swanson says
Oh, LAU-ra, let’s talk, shall we? I am sooooo happy that you posted your definition of an introvert. I have always LOVED being with people. But then I couldn’t figure out why I also LOVED (even more) being alone after being with all those people I love. What was wrong with me, I thought? Do I have a split personality? Ugh. Then your explanation comes my way, and BAM! THAT’S why I always had a “no radio” rule for my kids after school in the van on the way home (I teach Kindergarten, haha). Too much chaos for 6 hours! I NEEDED 20 minutes of QUIET! Thank-you for helping me with this. :)
Katie says
ISFJ also. Interesting post, thanks!
Wendy Davis says
I’m also an ISFJ. Isn’t it funny to see how many other readers have the same personality type. My children flew the next many years ago, but now one of them has returned with his family and 3 children for a season while obtaining higher education. My introvertedness is being challenged as I deal with the 3 little ones on a daily basis.
I also get up extra early each day for my quiet time and devotions. My day never seems to be quite right if I have to miss it for some reason.
Thanks for your blog. I really love reading it and gain ideas and inspiration from you.
Jennifer says
It seems I’m the oddball here, I am an ESFP :)
But I am kind of the opposite of you, I am a shy extrovert. So I have a hard time introducing myself to new people and am not very outgoing, but…. I feel depressed if I am by myself for too long, and I am energized by being with people and having good conversations!
My husband is the introvert, so I have learned to just take the kids out places by myself to give him some time alone, and give me some people time :)
Shannon combs says
Introverted, that’s me. I took the test years ago, but I can’t remember exactly how it went, but I know I’m an introvert. I to have struggled with feeling guilty about being an introvert. Seems like there is always someone wanting you to join this club, or help out with that charity or just socialize. I help a local women’s shelter by making baby quilts that I sell and then give the profits to the shelter. That way, I am contributing, but don’t have to always be going here and there to help out. My husband always called my need for alone time my “only child time”. Perhaps he’s right. I am an only child and have always enjoyed my own company. I need my friends and I like to socialize, but I can’t do it ALL THE TIME. Once or twice a week is about all I want with big groups.
It’s funny because my MIL is just the opposite and one time all our boys (my husband, her husband and our son) went on a mission trip to Africa for 10 days. I swear she called me to come and do something with her everyday they were gone. I finally just had to tell her. “Millie, I love you and I like to be with you, but I’m also OK on my own and need my space”. I think she just about went crazy that week all by herself. Me—I kind of enjoyed not having to think about anyone else for a few days. I missed my boys and I was ready for them to be home when the 10 days was up, but that uninterupted “me” time was really refreshing for me.
Dawn Williams says
I am a ENFJ :)
As a career counselor I am very familiar with the MBTI and each scale is a continuum – there isn’t just an introvert box and extrovert box so people will be very different even if they are both the same type. Plus your other letters also impact how you live out your introvert-ness or extrovert-ness (yes, I just made those words up!).
I am pretty slight on most of the scales, so I can see myself on both sides of the continuum in many ways.
Nathana Clay says
I love that you shared this! I have wrote about this and thought about it quite a bit. I am glad that more and more people are learning the value of being introverted. I think that labels can be dangerous, but understanding what motivates, energizes us and drains us is important. I have taken this test in the past and find that I am an extroverted introvert and Mitch is an introverted extrovert. Or at least that is what we call it! :)
Pam D says
I’m an ISTJ. I also love to recharge by cooking alone in the kitchen.
Jessica says
Major introvert here! In fact being a hermit somewhere in the woods sounds lovely, lol! I have known I am an introvert for a long time and have learned to be proud of this fact. I do enjoy being around people that I know and have a great time, but oh man am I exhausted afterwards!!! My husband is also an introvert but thankfully not as shy as I am. In regards to children (whom I am with 24/7) I have learned that it is OK to say, “I love you very much, but right now I need a little bit of space.” I will then take five minutes to myself and then come back ready to hug and love on them. Our five children are still quite young (7 months to nine years old) so I am trying to teach them it is OK to ask for space in case they are introverted as well. This really helped with the guilt I felt when asking for space (what kind of mother needs space from her own children!?) I am pretty sure our oldest is an introvert as well so I am hoping this approach will help her. I want them to know it is OK to have boundaries and to ask others to respect them…plus. ..It helps keep me sane, lol!
Sheri says
Laura, I just took the test from the link you provided and my chart looks exactly like yours! Please do write more about this, especially as it relates to children in the family. My husband and I are polar opposites, and a lack of awareness and understanding has caused us all some real pain over the years. My goal is to move toward better understanding to help our marriage and help the kiddos be themselves and NOT MAKE EACH OTHER CRAZY!! Lol!
Kathy says
My husband & I read the 5 love languages book and it helped us understand some of our differences. The author also wrote a book on the 5 love languages of children and I am going to read that next for some insights where my son is concerned.
Kathy says
The test said I am an ISTP. I am definitely an introvert and understand the need for peace and quiet. I cannot function without sometime in my week for it.
Rachel says
Introvert for sure. Took a long time to get over the guilt our society sometimes puts on people, especially kids, for needing alone time. I’m just now beginning to see the value of being an introvert.
Rachel says
I highly recommend the book Quiet:The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. The author has a great website too with resources and advice for introverts and extroverts both. http://www.quietrev.com/
Rebecca says
INFJ here. People also express disbelief that I’m an introvert.
I think one of the hardest things about being an introverted mother of small children is the total lack of alone time (sleeping doesn’t count!)
Allison says
Fellow introvert here! I only realized it last year – the year I turned 50! Introvert and HSP. I’m a mom to 13 yo twin girls, one most definitely an introvert and one most definitely NOT. lol
I find that when I’m out with the Extrovert daughter I have to remind myself to let her be herself (as long as she is being appropriate). Just because I want to fade into the wall doesn’t mean her being ALL OUT THERE is wrong. It is right for her.
Jose says
I’m an ISFJ too, I thought that chart was my results from the other day when I also did the test. I so relate to a lot of what you wrote in the post today. As a newer mum of 3 kids under 5, I’m still learning how to get my alone time regularly enough so I don’t get completely drained. Made all the more tricky with my also introverted husband being in a job often reserved for extroverts – a youth worker. I look forward to reading your future posts about how you find rest as an introvert. Especially homeschooling extroverts – I think 2 out of my 3 are extroverts (still working it out as they’re so little) and we’re hoping to homeschool. I love your writing Laura, you always make me laugh :)
Diane says
Totally agree! Many people know me to be quite “chatty”….while other people know that I’m very comfortable “keeping to myself”. I really do enjoy people…but ALSO totally enjoy my alone time. I have a cousin who’s the total opposite: ONLY thrives around people; can’t stand to be alone. When I was a kid, I assumed it was better to be like her (always social, all the time), but as I’ve gotten older, I realize we’re just different, and that BOTH personalities have different gift