I remember the first time we celebrated my birthday as a married couple. It was one of the most disappointing days. Growing up, my mom had always made my birthday all about me. I would wake up to gifts and a special breakfast. We usually went out for a lovely lunch. I got to pick what I wanted for dinner and we all celebrated with a cake.
So naturally, Matt should have known all of that. He should have thought ahead and planned ahead and baked me a big cake and planned the whole day around me because hello…it was my birthday.
I believe the day went something like this: I did not wake up to presents or a special breakfast. Lunch? Well that would depend on what I chose to make. There was no cake. Matt didn’t even mention my birthday until late afternoon when he said something like, “I have to go out for a little while because I haven’t had a chance to shop for your present yet. What do you want for your birthday?”
What do I want? What do I WANT? I WANT you to know what I want! I want you to spend hours thinking about how to make my day special and about what would be a wonderful and romantic gift for me. And what do you mean you “haven’t had time to shop yet”? You had 364 days to shop!
Mature, wasn’t I? Expecting a little too much from my new husband? Um, yeah. Especially since I hadn’t expressed one bit of my desires to him in the first place. I didn’t want to have to tell him what I wanted. That wouldn’t have been romantic at all. I wanted him to just KNOW what I wanted. I expected him to create a magical day for me when he had no idea what I had expected. His birthdays growing up had been much more “low key” than mine had been. He didn’t know that the world had to stop and that everything had to revolve around me on my birthday.
That’s just a silly little example of how not sharing our needs or desires with our husbands can cause unnecessary frustration. But the big point is this: Our husbands can NOT read our minds. Your husband probably has no idea what you want until you tell him.
Hey, you can’t read his mind either. This marriage thing takes communication.
If you want your husband to help you more around the house, you need to tell him. And you need to be specific. You can’t just say, “I need you to help me more around the house.” He’s likely to look around the house, feel completely overwhelmed and not help at all. Remember, he can’t read your mind. He probably wants to help you, he just doesn’t know what it is that you need help with. While YOU see the pile of laundry that needs to be folded, don’t assume that he KNOWS that you want him to fold it. Instead of, “I need you to help me” say something along the lines of, “Hey, would you be able to get those clothes folded for me sometime this afternoon?” (And then you give him a flirty look, a smile and a wink – but that’s another post for another day.)
Don’t just sit around waiting for him to figure out what you need or desire. He doesn’t know. He’s probably not insensitive and uncaring. He just doesn’t know. Because your husband can not read your mind.
If you expect your husband to read your mind and instinctively know what you want…you are going to be constantly disappointed. Disappointment can lead to resentment. Which can lead to bitterness. Which can lead to a big sinful mess. The kind of sinful mess that rests in your heart, not in his.
Gently and lovingly share your needs with your husband. Be specific. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. Decide if it truly is a need (or just a selfish desire). Express yourself calmly. DON’T NAG.
Which leads me to this: Even if you share your needs with your husband in all the right ways…he still may not be able to (or willing to) meet all of them. You may be able to try talking through it with him again another time. You may be able to express yourself differently to help him understand what you need. Or, this may just be a time to shut-up and pray.
And through prayer, you will learn that there’s only One who can truly meet all of your needs sufficiently. And joy of joys…He can indeed read your mind. :)
becca banana says
Fantastic. Thank you!!
Kristen says
One thing that helped my husband and I was that one day I discovered that there are two kinds of chores. Quantitative and qualitative. Quantitative chores are measured by how much there is to do. Laundry and dishes fall into this category. They are not done until they are done and are very straightforward. Qualitative chores are about how much you think they need doing. This includes bathroom cleaning, floor cleaning, etc. Basically, Qualitative chores you can let slide a lot longer than quantitative chores.
Often my husband was overwhelmed by not knowing where to help out or that I needed him to or he would think that he had to tackle some big project to help me and so would never get around to getting started. Once he knew to look for quantitative chores to do, he has been much much more helpful and I am less stressed because he has helped with my immediate need. :) We also prevented disagreements about how often qualitative chores should be done. He didn’t feel like they needed doing as much as I did, but now that doesn’t matter because he takes care of some quantitative chores so I can deal with the qualitative ones.
Hopefully some of you with process-oriented husbands will appreciate this insight I had one day. :)
Emily says
This makes a lot of sense! Thanks for sharing!
Amanda Y. says
I think that’s great insight into male-thinking! Great one!
Leah Evanson says
Exactly what I needed to hear this evening. Thank you!
Frances says
I especially like that last bit!
April says
Another great post, and one that has been on my mind lately. Thanks! :)
Cheryl @ Moms In Need of Mercy says
Had to laugh about the birthday thing. That’s exactly what happened to me this year, and we’ve been married 7 years! :)
I think that’s a great point–just ask straightforwardly and nicely. That gets the point across much better than, “I’ve had such a hard day with this and with that….blah blah blah, so if you could please help me with this, that would be so great, blah blah blah.” Just ask clearly and they’ll usually respond nicely!
Kimberly says
Totally true! Thanks for the reminder. I love the simplicity of this series!
DanielleCorrelle says
I absolutely love this series of posts!
Bronwyn says
Your birthday anecdote reminds me very much of my first birthday after being married…except in the country where I live my birthday also happens to be on a national holiday which means no shops were even open for my poor husband! It was definitely a learning experience in our marriage! I’m so glad you’re writing on this topic!
Katherine says
This is great! Reminds me of my birthday every year…. My husband is absolutely wonderful but our “norms” of what equals a birthday are very different. A little behind the scenes planning from me helps out greatly. :-)
Sherry says
LOL! It is so funny that this is your post today. I just had an incidence about this just yesterday, last weekend, etc. Yesterday I talked to dh about walking at dinner time. He said he had to go over and put batteries in his boat, but he couldn’t walk them over as they were heavy (45 for each). WEll, about an hour or so later I’m still waiting and thinking “ok, he should be back by now”. I ended up calling him and asking what is taking him so long. He had some other things to do with the batteries on the boat. I asked I thought we were going for a walk, but he thought I was walking over there.
Last weekend there was a youth conference, so I went and took my daughter up to it and stayed while waiting for my husband to get up there. I wanted to go out to eat with him as daughter was staying and sleeping over at a friend’s house. Well, he got there and had already eaten as he thought I would have eaten being it was 6:30 and we normally eat at 5:30. So much for thinking. LOL!
Great post!! :D
Shelly says
While I totally, whole-heartedly agree with this post…….is it wrong to hold your spouse to a higher standard? To communicate your disappointment when those situations arise, so that he might learn what pleases you?? I don’t know – that’s how I take those situations when I disappoint him. I think it should be important to both of us to think and go out of our way to please the other. We are NOT mind readers -like Laura said, but communication is absolute key. And….it’s the little things that can create so many wonderful moments. Gifts, cake, flowers, or NOT! Like the saying goes -“It’s the thought that counts.” :)
Rebekah says
That reminds me of my first birthday with my husband as well. It didn’t make matters better that I was pregnant at the time. You absolutely have to tell them what you want.
Kimberly says
Wow… great post. I expect my husband to read my mind all the time. Thanks for the eye opener.
Deb says
Thank you soo much for your posts. We have been married 18 almost 19 years and my selfishness and “me first” attitude still rears its ugly head. God is so gracious.
Christy says
Laura, I can totally relate to your birthday story. I am constantly telling my husband that he should just KNOW what I want/need & that it’s not the same if I have to tell him. But you’re right, he can’t read my mind. I need to tell him what I need, even if it’s not the romantic way, so I don’t end up upset & resenting him. That’s not romantic either!
Sandi says
oh my goodness…I go through this every year with my husband until we sat down and talked about the birthday difference. This year I have a big one coming up in Oct so I’ve told him already exactly what I want. My sis thinks I’m crazy and it’s not romantic but hey, this is the guy who can make me weak in the knees when he’s washing the dishes out of the blue when I’m at work or fixes my clothing line outside without me knowing! I need to go call him….tell him that I love and appreciate him…:-)
karen says
It’s all about specificity around here. Hubby is an engineer and needs very clear directions. As in “Please come here and help me fold the laundry now.” In a nice voice of course. It’s only taken me 11 years to mostly figure out how to communicate with him.
Brooke says
Great post! Great reminder for me! :) Thanks!
Tania says
I am laughing and feeling a little teary at the same time. Today is my birthday and I have been feeling sorry for myself. (For the tenth time in our marriage, since we have been married 10 years). That is so the way my husband is about my birthday and I grew up with my mom making my day feel so special too. What he does do is sweet, but I always feel a little disappointed. This is what I needed to hear right now. Because I am pretty sure I was going to burst out sobbing about it when he came home from work. (-: Thanks for putting things in perspective for me today.
By the way as I type 3 of my boys are doing something with paper and lots of tape for my birthday. I feel blessed. So very sweet.
Laura says
Aw, Happy Birthday! It’s HARD to get used to celebrating your birthday differently than you grew up celebrating it. I finally had to learn to appreciate what Matt and the boys DID do for me, even if it wasn’t what I might really have chosen. Sounds like you’re doing just that, appreciating what your husband DOES do, and appreciating your sweet boys for whatever that surprise is that they’re making with paper and tape!
Hope you have a great one…however it’s celebrated!
Nicole says
You mean to tell me that he does not automatically know everything?!?!!
*pouts*
I HATE having to tell him what I want for my birthday, but it’s better than not getting anything at all! I totally relate to this post, so thanks for the insightful view!
Cheryce says
Great post! It’s so easy to get frustrated and forget that they are no more psychic than we are. My usual tactic is to slam the cabinet doors and generally be huffy until he asks whats wrong, but I’ll definitely think about this post the next time I need help.
Thanks!
blair says
This is us with anniversaries! Lol. So, since its coming up in a couple weeks, I asked my hubby, “are you making anniversary plans, or am I?” Come to find out, he already made our plans!!! Yippee! :-)
Jane says
Amen! Great Reminder! The book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs – cant say enough good things about it :) I’m going through it a second time right now with my husband. So much good stuff in it about how differently we think as men and women.
Crystal says
I agree! It’s a great book!
Lynne says
What wonderful advice! It is so true that we tend to think our husbands should just “know” what needs to be done. (We do!!) But they need gentle and specific directions. Thank you for reminding us of this! :-)
Jenny'nboys says
Ha! “364 days to shop!” Love it.
This year for my birthday, after dating 4 years and 7 years of marriage, my husband brought home a bag of goodies, a mushy card from him, and a card from the boys that he had (secretly! without my help!) helped them trace their hands on. It was the sweetest gesture, especially since money is tight and we had agreed not to buy gifts this year. He didn’t spend a lot on the presents but I could tell he had put a lot of thought into what to buy- my favorite chocolates, lotion, etc. They will learn eventually, ladies!
Amanda Y. says
While I can completely relate to the birthday part, the chores part bothers me. We both are considered equal for work inside and outside the house, and it is not in my nature or his to automatically know what and when to clean. So, we made a checklist of things for him (both of us, really) to check before fun time (like after work, before we can get on the internet or he can tinker on his car). It’s like look and see which need done: dishes (if there are any, do them), vacuum (if it’s visibly dirty, we vacuum–we have a dark color carpet, so it’s visibly got stuff on it every 2-3 days), dog’s pills (daily), clean dog’s ears/nose (2-3 times a week), tub dirty?, toilet dirty? wash need done? This has helped so much! He knows what to look for and if it needs done, does it. I used to use the list too, but now I notice things on my own (I was raised a tomboy and didn’t get the intuitive female cleaning gene.)
Jenn @ Beautiful Calling says
This is something that we learn and re-learn all the time. (Or at least I do). Though it isn’t to the same extent as it was when we first got married, 5 years in and I still have to guard my expecations!
kristin says
I am still learning this lesson and I have been married almost 20 years! I must be a sloooow learner.
Well Said!
Cassie J. says
Good book on my shelf, “Men Read Newspapers, Not Minds.”
Tami says
You make me laugh! You are so right about how husbands think! And the thing is, he doesn’t even TRY to think about what I might want, that would never even occur to him! Men just don’t think like women, there is no doubt at all. I’m seeing this again with my two sons, 19 and 16. They’ve had several girlfriends, but it just isn’t a big deal to them, and when they break up, so what, there are lots of others out there. It really cracks me up watching them. No pining and whining around here!
We’ve been married almost 28 years now, and probably our worst gift episode was at Christmas, just a year or two after we married. He had the perfect gift for me – he was so excited, he went on and on about how great it was, he just could barely wait to give it to me. I had no idea what it could be. And guess what it was – a calculator. A programable business analyst. It would even amortize your mortgage for you. I was just speechless. He was so pleased with that calculator – it was just what he wanted. Now, I buy my own Christmas gifts, I wrap them, and put them under the tree. My husband assumes my mother got them, and my mother assumes my husband did. It works out great for all, and I get just what I want! You learn lots of things if you live long enough.
Tami says
Oh, I forgot to say that there is some justice in life. My girls are 8 and 10 now, and my gifts from my husband are getting much better, because they take him shopping! I got beautiful flowers AND chocolate this year for Valentine’s (thanks to my daughters!) I know you have only boys now, Laura, but you are sure to have lots of granddaughters some day. Every single-sex family I know seems to have the opposite in the next generation. Then they can take their grandad shopping for your birthday!
Bekki says
Thankfully my Husband and I had this discussion before marriage and I knew gifts and celebrations weren’t his thing. I am perfectly fine with this, he gives me a sum of money and I get to play with it. It works for us and because we had spoken about it before we got married I had time to process it. For him he had to get used to someone making a big fuss for a birthday, they weren’t a big deal in his house growing up. I can’t say enough about good pre-marital counseling, it really helps!
Ann says
One communication issue I just became aware of (through a great video series called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage)is that I tend to be multi-tasking so much that I just start talking/giving instructions and assume he’s listening. I need to stop and go to him and make sure I have his attention before I start communicating what I need. One of the best quotes from the video series by the way was, “Asking a man to do something once is like never having asked him at all!” Just like your post suggested, women resent having to tell our husbands how they can help us the first time, let alone having to repeat it! So get over it! Repeat it! (with the little flirty look Laura alluded to…)
Saph @ Frugal Wife Blog says
Wow, I so relate to this post with some differences. Birthdays are such a sore spot for me cause I keep hoping this will be the year he plans a party for me. It still hasn’t happened even after years of telling him I would like to have a party for my bday. It took a long time for me to accept that I HAVE to tell him what I want in order for it to happen and now that I’ve done it, it still doesn’t happen.
I grew up w/bdays not a big to-do but grew up wishing my bdays were like the kind my friends had with a big party. And then as a teen watching my older sister always having such a great bday cause all her friends would buy her gifts and plan the day for her and not having any of that myself cause I only had 2 close friends.
That didn’t help my already low self-esteem. Now that I’m a christian, I no longer have the low self-esteem except when my bday rolls around, it seems.
But aside from the bday issue, it did take me a long time to finally learn and accept that in order to get what I want or need, I HAVE to tell him.
Kathryn says
I can’t tell you how much I’ve paid a Marriage Counsellor to tell me this exact piece of advice. You’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m a closet romantic myself so I expect my husband to be Cary Grant or Clark Gable and anticipate all of my needs! Not gonna’ happen girlfriends. Communication is key. Great post!
jordon says
I absolutely love this series! Reading all the stories of birthdays and holidays made me want to share my own. My husband of 2.5 years is such a dear. Although he is a big, manly police sgt. he always reminds me very much of a little boy when it comes to gifts. They are always simple but done to excess! For example, the first Christmas after we married he bought me the funniest/most adorable gift. Every time we went to Walmart (for probably 2 months prior to Christmas) I would stop to smell this particular fragranced candle. I believe it was called ‘Almond Biscotti’; very creamy and soft, like a nice dessert. Anyway, the joke between us was that the scent of this candle made me feel… well… like I might be interested in THAT. Haha! Silly, I know. Well guess what I got for Christmas that year? Yes, that candle. In the largest size in the nice glass jar. But not just that, oh no, he bought me EIGHT of these gigantic candles! I still can’t help but laugh about it. What a blessing it is to have such a thoughtful husband.