Heavenly Homemakers

Encouraging women in homemaking, healthy eating and parenting

Becoming a Better Help Meet

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Remember this series? The one about marriage that I started almost a year ago? Did ya think I forgot to finish it? 

I promise I really didn’t forget…I just have so many topics I love writing about and somehow this series kinda got off track back in October. 

And yikes…I promised that while writing a series on being a better help meet to our husbands that I would write about THAT subject. You know, that one important subject that is quite important to address when we talk about a healthy marriage? It’s not that I am afraid to talk about THAT, but wow, I’ve sure done a good job of avoiding the topic for almost a year, haven’t I?

I plan to pick this series back up in January and finish it off sometime before 2012. Hopefully. I even plan to talk about THAT. So stay tuned and in the meantime, I wanted to share all the links for the posts I’ve written on the subject up to now:

Any particular marriage topics you’re interested in me writing about? I mean, besides THAT?

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Living Out My Vows (In Sickness and in Health)

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Today, I am privileged to introduce guest poster Jill Roper, my friend and mentor – remember how I got to see her on our Michigan trip!!?! Her role as “help meet” and wife has drastically changed during the past year and a half and I have hurt and prayed along with her family as her husband’s health has taken a terrible turn. Jill (of From the Heart of Jill) shares her real life example of what it truly means to care for and love your husband “in sickness and in health”.

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“LORD, I need your arms tightly wrapped around me”. That was my prayer when I looked over at my husband the other day. How did we ever get to this place?

Nineteen months ago our lives were turned upside down. Hubby woke up with a terrible back ache and noticed later in the day a very odd rash going in a perfect line from his waist down to the bottom of his foot. Life has never been the same since.

In my mind’s eye I can clearly see us both in the church saying our wedding vows. The future looked so bright and I happily said those words, “In sickness and in health” with the rest of the vows truly not knowing what that would mean 32 years later.

I grieve now from the very depths of my soul. My life partner is slipping away and there is not a thing I can do about it. My husband has a very rare neurological disorder that has robbed him of who he was. He is on 15 different medicines daily. The disease causes him to jerk uncontrollably and his speech can be very difficult to understand during a severe bout which happens daily. It is very difficult for him to walk.

My husband spent 22 years proudly serving his country. He then spent the next 10 years in full time ministry and as a marriage and family therapist. The man holds 3 Master’s degrees and yet most days he can’t remember what day it is. He helped foster over 30 special needs children and together we have raised seven children.

In my book we have only lived a half a life so far. It appears now that the second half of the dream will never be realized. I have often said to friends, “I sure wish there was a book out there to help me navigate this storm!”

I have two choices. I can give up  and say it’s  just too hard  or…..I can allow God to put me through the fire again and share what I have learned with others.

My Abba Father is teaching me once more to trust with my whole heart. You see, some years ago we lost our baby girl, Celeste at birth and then our son David died when he was just 13 months old. You come to a crossroads when death smacks you in the face.

How do you deal with such loss? How do you get up the courage to breathe again? The following passage spoke to my heart all those years ago just like it speaks to me now.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 2 Cor. 1:2

God allows bad things to happen to good people for His purposes. God is the ultimate comforter. When we have been comforted he wants us to turn around and comfort others. I chose JOY! I chose to daily walk with joy in my heart, knowing that God is truly in control. This trial does not escape His notice. 

I stand committed today just like I did 32 years ago to say with confidence, “For better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health till death do us part.

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Jill writes a daily devotional blog which I always find to be inspiring, comforting, challenging and refreshing. As a busy mom (can you relate?), I have found it to be such a blessing to pop over to Jill’s site and find a few moments of spiritual enouragement. I highly encourage you to check out From the Heart of Jill and consider letting Jill be a daily source of spiritual refreshment for you too!

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What My Husband Needs (I mean your husband, well…you know what I mean)

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You’ve read many of the books or heard much of the “good wife” advice that I’ve heard right? That advice that states that I need to greet my husband at the door each night when he comes home from work looking refreshed and lovely because otherwise I’m not showing my love for him. Apparently I’m supposed to be wearing the sweater he loves (always) and have my hair curled and pretty (at precisely 5:05)…the house is supposed to be clean and if I’m not mistaken, I am supposed to kiss my husband for a full minute (One Mississippi, Two Mississippi…) immediately when he walks in from his hard day at work. I also need to train my children to run in and greet him (what, in the middle of our kiss?!) so that they can show their Daddy how much he means to them.

But wait, there are other books that tell me that when a man comes home from work, he needs a good bit of time to wind down before he is to be bothered. He should be allowed to go “into his cave” all by himself with no one to touch him or ask him how his day went and I am certainly not to begin telling him how my day went until he has had exactly 47 minutes (or whatever) alone in his cave and is ready to give me his full attention.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to kiss him in the cave or not. 

Is it just me, or is there a little bit of contradictory marriage advice out there? And while I think that so many of the aforementioned ideas are great and possibly valid, I can often feel overwhelmed with all of the “good advice” and feel like I just don’t measure up because I can’t do all of those things.

I would like to suggest that each of us, as wives, need to look at what our individual husband’s needs and desires are and focus on meeting those needs.

My husband personally doesn’t care if my hair is curled and lovely when he walks in the door. (Thank goodness, since as we all know, I rarely have time to curl my hair and you will often find a good bit of flour in the wisps falling into my face.)  He actually appreciates the fact that although I do care to keep myself clean and neat (flour in the hair being an exception), I don’t spend much time primping in front of a mirror every day. He doesn’t expect the house to be perfect and he doesn’t really have a cave. He would probably love it if I kissed him for 60 whole seconds (…Twenty-Four Mississippi…) when he walks in the door, but there are usually four loud and excited children who beat me to the door and if all I’m able to do is look up from my biscuit dough with a crooked smile…he still knows I love him.

Because I show him in ways that HE needs. 

It doesn’t matter what all the other husbands need.  All that matters to me is what MY husband needs. 

It’s good to listen to advice from Godly people and to read good Christian books on marriage. There are some fantastic words of wisdom to learn from. But take that advice and communicate with your husband about what he needs from you. Knowing that you’re doing just what your husband needs feels a whole lot better than trying to meet the needs defined in a book.

And now…just because I just really want to…I’m going to find my husband and practice the infamous 60-second kiss. (…Forty-Seven Mississippi…)

How about we call it “The Kississippi”?

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Chatting With Lisa Whelchel (about marriage)

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I’ve read Lisa’s ideas about parenting…I’ve read her thoughts on friendship…but I’ve never read her insights on marriage. And so I asked…

Me:

I’m currently writing a series on my blog encouraging wives in their journey as a help meet to their husbands. What is something practical you’ve done to help your husband be a better father, husband, man of God?

Lisa:

Well, can I share something with you that I wish I would have done better and understood earlier? 

It’s about balance. I’d read all the books about being a great help meet and I implemented all the right things. But somehow as I was offering all that I thought a good wife should be…I stopped offering myself.

If we change ourselves too much to be their help meet, we can make it too easy for our husbands and they can’t grow. We have to be honest – that’s what being a good help meet is.

Laura’s follow-up thoughts:

Eek, my notes as I scrawled frantically during my interview with Lisa were beginning to look rather scary at this point. I was trying so hard to listen well and write at the same time, but your guess is as good as mine about what I meant when I wrote, “use uhs as a good opp”. Huh? If you recall, this entire interview took place in fifteen minutes time. There was not time for neat penmanship.

Anyway, what I THINK Lisa was wisely saying to us is that being a good help meet doesn’t mean that we’re to just completely give up on what we need and desire in our marriage, just to make our husbands happy. We have to be honest and tell our husbands what we need, otherwise they can’t grow into the husband God desires them to be. 

I think that there are wonderful “be a better help meet” books out there, but I do often feel overwhelmed and inadequate after reading them. That’s part of the reason I started writing my own series about becoming a better help meet…to try to be real and practical…hopefully, sort of. 

So yes, being a good wife doesn’t mean that I should give up on who I am so that my  husband’s world will happily and smoothly go around. It does mean that I sometimes give up what I want. It does mean that I put his needs before my own. It does mean that I love him with all my heart and work very hard to meet his needs.

But meeting his needs may mean that I challenge him to improve his life and to work to better meet my needs. I’m only truly being his help meet if I am helping him become a better man of God.

I think this help meet thing calls for a lot of prayers for wisdom.

What do you think?

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Remind Yourself!

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Today I just want to share a simple little thing I do to remind myself all day that I think my husband is awesome!

This all came about rather innocently. I didn’t intentionally create this little exercise so that I could remind myself of how much I love Matt. It just happened, and then I realized how cool it was. It’s profound…are you ready?! 

I set one of my computer passwords (one that I use frequently) to say something great about Matt.  I was feeling giddy one day, and I needed to set a new password…and so just like I was in junior high writing “I LOVE MATT” on the side of my notebook between classes, I set my password to say it.

(“I LOVE MATT” isn’t the password, by the way. What, do you think I’d just tell all of you one of my passwords?)

(Or maybe it IS the password and I’m just telling you it isn’t just to throw you off.)

(Wow, I just forever keep you hopping, don’t I?)

But don’t you remember those feelings you felt back when you and your husband were dating and you couldn’t stop thinking about him and you wanted to carve your initials together into a tree? And tell all your friends about how great he was? And write his name on stuff?

Somehow life takes over and reality sets in and we as a couple become comfortable and not so giddy anymore. That’s mostly okay. We don’t really have time to sit around and sigh and daydream.

But having my password set to remind me all day long that I LOVE MATT (or something else, or not), has been so super neat. Like, totally.  (That would be me reverting back to junior high lingo.)

Typing in the words reminds me several times a day of how much I love my  husband. And in the middle of a very busy life full of activity and just…busyness…those reminders are a valuable treasure.

So, just a suggestion:  Set up a password or two to say something great about your relationship with your husband. You’ll appreciate the loving reminders!

LAURA AND MATT FOREVER XOXOXO

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Lead Me…A Prayer for Your Marriage

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I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to marriage, in particular we can help our husbands be godly leaders and the kind of men we need and desire them to be. I know many of you have experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment in your marriage. Many of you want your husbands to step up and be a stronger spiritual leader in your home. 

Whether your husband is leading your family the way he should be or not, I thought you might enjoy this song that touched me heart recently.  I told you that listening to music ministers to me!  When I heard the the words of Lead Me, by Sanctus Real, I fell in love with the message.

I realize this song is directed more to men…as encouragement to let God lead them as they strive to lead their families. Maybe you’ll have an opportunity to share this song with your husband. Plus, I thought it would give us all some great words to pray as we ask the Lord to help our husbands be strong and to meet our needs. I’ve been using the words of this song to pray for several of our friends who are struggling in their marriages.

In addition and maybe more importantly, I think this song can be a heart check for each of us as wives. Are we being the kind of wife our husband needs? Are we loving our children the way we should be? Are we letting our husbands lead? Are we fulfilling the roles in the home that we should be? Do our husbands and children feel supported by us, or do they feel alone?

Just a few things to think about and pray over…

And no matter what, always remember that God is in control and that he loves you and is holding you up.

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: GET HELP!!!

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I had another Help Meet post all sweetly written up to encourage you to empower your husband to be better. But that one is going to have to wait.

You know why? Because there are marriages all around me that are hurting and falling apart. If I hear of one more marriage break up from people that I love and care about, I’m just going to scream! Right now I’m mad. I’m mad and I’m sad and my heart is broken. I’m mad at Satan for destroying marriages and I’m mad at couples for letting Satan do what he loves and is so good at doing. Christians and non-Christians alike are letting Satan win. Stop it. Stop it!!! Stop it!!!!!

If your marriage is less than wonderful…you don’t get to cop out. You DON’T! You don’t get to say, “Laura, I know what the Bible says…but you just don’t know what I’ve been through in my marriage.”

You know what I keep hearing from couples who are deciding to split up? “We’ve had trouble for years.” “There have been issues in our marriage for years.” “We’ve always had really difficult things to work through in our marriage.” 

Oh, really? You’ve had trouble for years? How shocking! Name one married couple that hasn’t “had trouble for years”! Everyone always thinks their troubles are harder to work through than anyone else’s troubles. And so…working through them just doesn’t seem like an option.

You want to know why your marriage is difficult?  It’s because marriage is difficult!  It’s because two sinners married each other and have to try to figure out how to live together in harmony with God in the center. Satan hates what you’re trying to do and he’s going to do everything he can to destroy you. It’s a spiritual battle. So yes, THAT is difficult.

If your marriage is in ANY kind of trouble…PLEASE GET HELP! Before it’s too late. Too many couples are ashamed or embarrassed or too full of pride to ask for help. Then they are divorced before anyone who loves them has a chance to help. Please, please don’t do that. I beg you.

Asking for help is hard. Asking for help means you may face the opportunity to be convicted of your own sin. Or be asked to offer forgiveness to your spouse. Or to let go of bitterness. Or to change something difficult about the way you are living. Those things are going to be gut-wrenchingly difficult. Awful. Painful.

But who are you living for?  If you’re living for yourself, then by all means go right ahead and give up on your marriage. If you’re living for yourself, it won’t matter to you how much you hurt your children, your friends, your family, your church and your spouse. As long as you feel like you are going to be “better off”, then go ahead and do whatever you want to do.

But if you are truly striving to live for Jesus, I’m going to beg you to please let go of yourself and all the fears you have about forgiveness and change…and please humbly accept help.

I’ve watched some of my friends walk through extremely difficult marital issues…and they survived! Their marriages have been in the trenches…and with God’s incredible strength…they have dug themselves out and come out on the other side with a new marriage to each other! It’s been beautiful to watch! They wanted to quit. They wanted to leave. But they worked and they fought and they sweated and they cried and they learned how to let go of the bondage that was keeping them from the kind of joy God purposes for a marriage. They did it and so can you!!

Please let God help heal your marriage. Your children deserve your hard work and so do you. 

Disclaimers and some of the “Yeah Buts”:  Please know that I’m not writing to condemn anyone. I know some of you  have been through tremendous trials in your marriage. I know some of you are divorced. Some of you have endured physical abuse. Some of you had spouses who refused to stay married to you no matter how hard you tried or what you did to make it work. Some of you needed to get out of a marriage because your children were being sexually abused. I really am writing this post because while those are legitimate reasons to split, those reasons are VERY FEW, and the issues I’ve heard of recently are SO VERY FIXABLE!!! And that is why my heart cried out in this post.

And now, I’m going to go hug and appreciate my precious husband. If we’ve learned anything by watching friends and loved ones break up and divorce, it has been that we MUST go to great lengths to protect and nurture our marriage together. My husband and I are prayerfully clinging to one another right now…and I’d like to encourage you and your spouse to do the same. Your marriage depends on it.

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: He Can’t Read Your Mind

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I remember the first time we celebrated my birthday as a married couple. It was one of the most disappointing days. Growing up, my mom had always made my birthday all about me. I would wake up to gifts and a special breakfast. We usually went out for a lovely lunch. I got to pick what I wanted for dinner and we all celebrated with a cake.

So naturally, Matt should have known all of that. He should have thought ahead and planned ahead and baked me a big cake and planned the whole day around me because hello…it was my birthday.

I believe the day went something like this:  I did not wake up to presents or a special breakfast. Lunch? Well that would depend on what I chose to make. There was no cake. Matt didn’t even mention my birthday until late afternoon when he said something like, “I have to go out for a little while because I haven’t had a chance to shop for your present yet. What do you want for your birthday?”

What do I want? What do I WANT? I WANT you to know what I want! I want you to spend hours thinking about how to make my day special and about what would be a wonderful and romantic gift for me. And what do you mean you “haven’t had time to shop yet”? You had 364 days to shop!

Mature, wasn’t I?  Expecting a little too much from my new husband? Um, yeah. Especially since I hadn’t expressed one bit of my desires to him in the first place. I didn’t want to have to tell him what I wanted. That wouldn’t have been romantic at all. I wanted him to just KNOW what I wanted. I expected him to create a magical day for me when he had no idea what I had expected. His birthdays growing up had been much more “low key” than mine had been. He didn’t know that the world had to stop and that everything had to revolve around me on my birthday. 

That’s just a silly little example of how not sharing our needs or desires with our husbands can cause unnecessary frustration. But the big point is this:  Our husbands can NOT read our minds.  Your husband probably has no idea what you want until you tell him. 

Hey, you can’t read his mind either. This marriage thing takes communication. 

If you want your husband to help you more around the house, you need to tell him. And you need to be specific. You can’t just say, “I need you to help me more around the house.” He’s likely to look around the house, feel completely overwhelmed and not help at all. Remember, he can’t read your mind. He probably wants to help you, he just doesn’t know what it is that you need help with. While YOU see the pile of laundry that needs to be folded, don’t assume that he KNOWS that you want him to fold it. Instead of, “I need you to help me” say something along the lines of, “Hey, would you be able to get those clothes folded for me sometime this afternoon?” (And then you give him a flirty look, a smile and a wink – but that’s another post for another day.)

Don’t just sit around waiting for him to figure out what you need or desire. He doesn’t know. He’s probably not insensitive and uncaring. He just doesn’t know. Because your husband can not read your mind.

If you expect your husband to read your mind and instinctively know what you want…you are going to be constantly disappointed. Disappointment can lead to resentment. Which can lead to bitterness. Which can lead to a big sinful mess. The kind of sinful mess that rests in your heart, not in his.

Gently and lovingly share your needs with your husband. Be specific. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. Decide if it truly is a need (or just a selfish desire). Express yourself calmly. DON’T NAG. 

Which leads me to this:  Even if you share your needs with your husband in all the right ways…he still may not be able to (or willing to) meet all of them. You may be able to try talking through it with him again another time. You may be able to express yourself differently to help him understand what you need. Or, this may just be a time to shut-up and pray.

And through prayer, you will learn that there’s only One who can truly meet all of your needs sufficiently. And joy of joys…He can indeed read your mind. :)

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Expectations

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When we got married, we had quite a few expectations about what we thought marriage would be like. 

I personally had quite a blissful view of what it would be like to be a wife and homemaker. My kitchen would always be clean. My chores would always bring me joy. I would always be rested, organized and cheerful. My husband would always say and do exactly the things I needed and wanted him to say and do. We would have beautiful children who were well behaved and quiet and who never argued. Oh, and of course, some of those beautiful children would be of the girl variety.

Fifteen and a half years later, I am a (very happily married) woman with a frequently dirty kitchen and a large list of unfinished chores that occasionally make me feel very grumpy. I could use a nap and I have to pray and put forth quite an effort to continually be cheerful. My husband certainly doesn’t always say and do exactly what I need him or want him to do. None of my children are of the girl variety…and hardly ever are they quiet.

Am I disappointed with all of these expectations that have gone unfulfilled? No way.  I’m still doing everything I always wanted to do…I’m just living within the realm of reality now. The fact that God gave us four boys has been joyful beyond my wildest dreams. I could never keep a perfect house because well…we’re all living in it. My husband can’t possibly say everything and do everything perfectly because as great as he is, he is also human and for goodness sake..sometimes I don’t even know what I want. How is he supposed to know? 

You know the way life always turns out so perfectly in books that you read and movies that you watch? Yeah…those aren’t real!!  Books and movies are stories written by people. I have to be very careful when I’m reading a good Christian fiction book that I don’t suddenly become dissatisfied with my own husband and my own life. Somehow the main male character in those books knows exactly what his woman needs and wants and always says the perfect thing. (Funny isn’t it that these books are usually written by WOMEN!)

I am going to suggest then that while we absolutely should aim high and desire a wonderful life with a wonderful man of God…we also need to recognize that there is no such thing as a perfect life with a perfect man. If there was a perfect man out there…he wouldn’t be choosing the likes of me because well…I’m not perfect.

I have more to say about expectations, specifically with our husbands, but I’ll share that another time.

For now I’ll stop with the simple idea that as a help meet to our husbands we need to learn to be joyful while we live lives that are less than perfect.  Lives that may include spills, mistakes, socks on the floor, stains on the rug, bad breath, hurt, death, sickness, sore backs, misplaced documents, dried out markers, toilet seats left up, squishy bananas under the table and lost library books.

Embrace the life God gave you with the husband you chose. Let go of perfect expectations…and choose JOY!

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Pray for Your Husband (+ a Giveaway!!)

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Be sure to catch up on the rest of this series here.

Last time, we talked about working hard to make sure our relationship with God is strong and alive so that we can be readily equipped to meet the needs of our husband.

Today, let’s talk about praying for our husbands.

Besides making sure your relationship with God is what it should be, praying for your husband is one of the most important things you can do as his help meet. You may not be able to change anything about your husband. You may not be able to help your husband be successful at his work. You may not be able to make your husband become a stronger spiritual leader.

But God can.

God loves your husband more than you do. God wants your husband to be spiritually minded. God wants your husband to love Him and serve Him. God wants your husband to meet your needs and the needs of your family.

You can talk to your husband about these desires. You can hurt for your husband when he struggles. You can encourage your husband to do more of the things you want him to do. You can beg your husband to become more of the man you want him to be.

But most of the time, you just need to shut-up and pray.

Love your husband. Respect your husband. Take care of your husband’s physical needs. Listen to your husband. Be kind to your husband. 

And pray for your husband.

Pray for his role as a father. Pray for his role as your husband. Pray for his work. Pray for his other relationships. Pray for his struggles. Pray for his weaknesses. Pray for his strengths. Pray for his spiritual growth. 

The prayer of a righteous [wo]man is powerful and effective.  (Read James 5:13-18.)
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Going right along with this idea of praying for our husbands…Taraleigh of FBS Books (take note of her sponsorship button on my sidebar) is offering to give away one of the books from her shop, Prayers of an Excellent Wife. 

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Prayers of an Excellent Wife appears to be a fantastic resource to help us learn the art of praying for our husbands consistently, faithfully and according to scripture.

I’d like to encourage you to take a good look around FBS Books as it is filled with wonderful resources!! Thank you so much Taraleigh for offering to share Prayers of an Excellent Wife with one of my readers! This book is sure to be a blessing!
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For a chance to win a copy of Prayers of an Excellent Wife:

  1. Leave a comment here on this post letting us know something you pray for your husband about (or would like to begin praying for him about).
  2. For a second chance at winning a copy of this book, join me in becoming a facebook fan of FBS books! This will be a great way to keep up to date with their sales and new products! Once you become a fan, be sure to leave a second comment here letting me know!

Everyone sign up to win this book…then get on your knees for your husband. Your marriage will be blessed as a result! Thank God for the chance to lift our needs up to Him!

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