Yesterday I shared what Lisa Whelchel had to say about raising little ones. Her kids are all grown up now (her youngest just graduated), and because I really wanted to know for my own sake (and for yours too of course), I decided to ask her about raising teens.
Me:
Our oldest son just became a teenager. We’re enjoying this “new season of life” as we learn to raise a teen and also feel like we have no idea what we’re doing (much like we didn’t have any idea what we were doing when we started raising babies!). You had three teenagers all at once. What were some of the joys and challenges you faced as you raised your teens, and what advice might you give to parents on this journey?
Lisa:
As your kids become teenagers, you really have to start loosening the grip you have…you can’t control them like you did with they were seven and eight years old. It’s natural for them to try to separate themselves from you and experiment with life as they figure out who they are.
This is hard because as a parent, you see the bigger picture and you want to protect them from heartache. But over-protecting can stifle what they are learning. You need to be open handed. You need to tell yourself, “I have been the parent, I have taught them well. Now I need to trust God to let them use what I’ve taught them as they grow into adulthood.”
Me:
Tell me a little bit about your kids now that they are young adults. What are some of the great qualities you see in them – what do you love about your kids?
Lisa:
I’ll start with my youngest, Clancy. I really just enjoy talking to her. We love to have coffee together in the mornings and just talk. She’s just wonderful and I just enjoy her so much.
Haven is my older daughter. I admire her so much. She is amazing at seeing the big picture. She plans margins in her life, which shows wisdom beyond her years.
Tucker was the hardest to raise, yet he’s who I’ve learned the most from and I respect him so much. He’s honest about everything and not a pretender. I had a hard time with that as he was growing up because that could sometimes come across in him as “not being a good boy”. I’m glad I didn’t snuff that out of him. He’s creative…not a rule follower.
I love how although I am the parent, I am able to learn so much from my kids.
Laura’s (very few) follow-up thoughts (as I have only been the parent of a teenager for approximately 39 days):
I am really beginning to understand the idea of “loosening the grip” as I’m watching Asa naturally work his way toward more independence. Matt and I feel like our biggest job now is to walk alongside and guide him as he grows into adulthood.
That, and pray for God to guide us as we walk a path we’ve never walked before. ;)
I’m reading this post and it makes me want to burst into tears. I have 4 daughters, two of whom are teenagers now and I’m honestly very frustrated and discouraged most of the time in raising them and I never feel like I have a clue as to what I need to do, sigh. Even though I don’t like feeling this way, I have to admit that I believe I’m following the Lord’s guidance now more than I did when they were younger. You see, I’m also an elementary school teacher and when they were that age, I felt like I was totally in control the whole time and knew what I was doing because I had so much experience, but I look back on that now and see where I made so many detrimental errors because of my own LACK of… well.. lack of everything. I’m holding so tightly to the Lord now and have to pray every single day (several times) just to get through it without acting like an idiot and I look forward to LOOKING BACK on it and hopefully :) seeing the Lord’s hand clearly guiding us all. Your grace is enough, Lord! :)
Keep holding on to the Lord and looking Him for guidance. You are doing exactly what you need to do, as you are letting God be in control. It is HARD to know how to parent. God will give you wisdom, and He will give your grace for each day. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your heart. Consider your self hugged (and prayed for).
I have a 16 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. It does get “different” as they grow. It’s hard sometimes to tell when to let go some because I feel like sometimes he can be so mature & act like an adult, but then other times I think he is more like a 10 year old. lol Finding a balance can be difficult. I’m trying my best and just pray for him everyday & that the Lord will provide me with the right things to say & do to guide him on his way.
I have found that teenagers really are looking for the parents to be examples. (not that all ages aren’t) but a teenager will definately spot a hypocrite in a second and hold on to that thought for a lifetime. -Especially in the church or of someone they hold in high-reguard.
I think it’s important for them to know that we have lived through much and are wise but still learn & sometimes make mistakes too.
Hi,I have a daughter 12 and a son 19.I believe parenting gets harder as they get older.There is so much advice and support out there for moms with little ones.
I really wish there was more out there for midlife moms of teens….lol..
Despite the loss of control over your kids.I think we just have believe in ourselves.
My kids always come around to doing the right thing.Just keep directing them onto the right track.
Keep refilling your cup of “mojo” latte….and most of all stay strong in the Lord.