Introducing: The REAL Proverbs 31 Woman

I’ve been giving some thought to the Proverbs 31 woman. The one who never sleeps, buys fields, wears purple, and provides sashes to merchants. I can’t decide whether to be inspired by her or to be a little bit mad at her. Both, I guess…

Ah, the Proverbs 31 woman. She’s the one we’ve all been taught to aspire to be. But as I consider all the days that my trading isn’t profitable and see that I’ve failed again this week to sew fine linen garments, I am left to wonder: Am I still worth far more than rubies?

Perhaps we should consider this truth: Proverbs 31:10-31 was actually a mother’s wise advice to her son (Lemuel), encouraging him choose carefully when he decides who to marry. Hmm. How about we commend our husbands for doing just that – and henceforth take the pressure off of ourselves to select some literal wool and flax.

To be fair, I do love looking at the lives of women I’ve known in real life who truly are or have been remarkable. Their families do arise and call them blessed. That’s what I want in my life too. You, too, probably. But we don’t have to be perfect to achieve this. I think we just need to love well. To do the best we can, with the Holy Spirit as our guide. To give our lives fully to Jesus.

The REAL Proverbs 31 Woman

In a moment of silliness or – and not to sound dramatic or whatever – perhaps in my time of need as I sought therapeutic healing from decades of believing that godly womanhood is measured only by achieving perfection, I decided to re-write the twenty-one verses of this passage.

At this time, please hand your family peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made on store-bought bread. Then sit back and read this. May it be a breath of fresh air and a ray of hope as we look at our lives and see that we are actually quite remarkable women, you and me.

Proverbs 31:10-31 From NIV (New International Version) to LVV (Laura’s Vulnerable Version)

¹⁰A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.

Wait! I just found her. She is you! She is me! We are amazing! Rubies look good, but you and me? We look good WHILE we flip pancakes.

¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.

Her husband sees the mess in the house but doesn’t ask “what have you been doing all day?” because by golly he knows better. She wears her favorite sweatpants – the ones with the stretched out elastic – because they are the most valuable comfortable. Her husband thinks she looks cute in her sweatpants.

¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

She knows he is allergic to chocolate, so she makes snickerdoodles. She hides in the pantry to eat her hidden stash of chocolate because even if he can’t eat it, she can, and she’s a better wife and mom when she does.

¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.

She chooses clothes for her kids, knowing that wool is itchy and makes the kids whine, so she always looks for cotton shirts with no tags. She throws another load of laundry into the washer with eager hands because the contents of the dirty clothes basket smells like feet. She loses socks in the dryer. Some of them might have been made with a percentage of wool that she selected when she found a packages of socks on clearance.

¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.

She’s discovered the nearest Costco. Rotisserie chickens are five bucks there and she makes an entire meal around one bird. Sometimes she saves the bones to make broth but not always because she knows that her time is precious and she doesn’t always have time to chop onions and carrots in an effort to extract the gelatin from chicken bones for optimum nutrition.

¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.

Daylight savings time has messed with everyone’s sleep schedule, so she scrambles eggs for breakfast while everyone asks her why it is still very dark. She is teaching her top notch male and female servants her kids to load the dishwasher.

¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She found a really good sale on a package of Mrs. Fields cookies. She considers…and buys it. Because they were discounted, she has money left over to buy grapes. They came from a vineyard somewhere. Probably California.

¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.

She decides to clean out the junk drawer! She sets about this work with vigor. Her arms are strong until they get tired from scrubbing the goo off the inside of the drawer. She’s had to start the task over three times because her toddler wants to “help.” She finally gives up and throws everything back in, but she feels good because from the drawer she has eliminated three broken birthday candles and the small tires that fell off a Hot Wheel two years ago.

¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.

She trades alone time to intentionally smile and nod when her kid goes into extra long detail about a dream they had last night. At bedtime, she falls asleep with the lamp on. Girl is tired.

¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She asks Siri what a distaff is. She learns that this goes with the wool and flax that apparently she’s supposed to be spinning into something useful while she grasps the spindle with her fingers. She decides to finally sew the missing button onto a jacket and wonders why it took her so long to get around to that five-minute task. She looks again at the definition of distaff and learns that distaff also refers to the maternal side of the family. She is, in fact, the maternal side of her family. Indeed, simply because of her female status, she holds the distaff. Easiest thing she’s done all day.

²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.

Her kids bring home friends and she feeds them all the cheese and crackers and then cuts up an entire bag of apples because apparently it has been two whole hours since they’ve last eaten and they are practically starved. To help all of the said starved kids learn what hunger actually is, she puts together a box of food for a family she heard is in need and she takes her kids with her to deliver it so that they learn to serve too. She hugs people who are hurting and welcomes those who struggle. She, herself, has had times of struggle and is so thankful for those who have shared what they had with her during those times. She does the same now for others and reaches out to others for help on her hard days.

²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

Somewhere in her basement is a tote full of snowsuits, gloves, and hats. None of them are scarlet, except for that one that has bright red blood stains from last year’s sledding incident. She’s ready to make hot cocoa and craft projects, and she knows where her mop is so that she can use it after the kids realize that snow is cold and they don’t actually like to be outside in it. She has no fear for her household but she does feel a little bit of fear for herself because snow days are long and after everything she’s done already to help her kids enjoy the snow, it’s somehow still only 10am.

²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Yay, she washed the sheets!! Her purple hoodie is super cute and it is worn to cover the linen shirt that has grease splatter stains. Who are we kidding? Linen has to be hand-washed. She owns no linen. But if she did, it would have grease splatter stains.

²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

Well now. How very nice that while she spins her wool and flax, he gets to simply sit at a gate – and he is respected for it. Look how he sits, they say. He is a very, very good sitter.

²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.

Some women make cool things and sell them at craft fairs and farmer’s markets. She is sure to always has a case of wet wipes at the ready as she uses them with abandon for everything from mud to sticky raisins and smeared snot. She shares her supply with other parents at soccer games and at library story hour.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.

Linen is a no for her. But strength and dignity? You bet. She remembers that she is slouching so she stands up straight because she is clothed in strength. She knows her worth. She sees her dirty dishes and realizes that they resemble mac and cheese and happy, full bellies. She looks at the calendar and sees that the days to come are filled with a lot of appointments. It makes her laugh and laugh. Oh, those silly days to come. They are hilarious.

²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She deletes the text she is about to send because she knows better than to be petty. She reminds her kids that Jesus loves them and that because of this love, we can be loving and that’s why we don’t hit or push or say mean words. She bites her tongue when her kid does the thing that she’s taught him not to do eleventy-million times. She smiles through gritted teeth and asks him, again, to please chew with his mouth closed. She deletes another petty text.

²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

She looks around and realizes that the baby’s diaper is on the floor and wait. Where is the baby and why is he naked? She barely has time to eat and bread makes her gassy. Yes, even sourdough.

²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:

Her children arise and call for breakfast;
her husband also, and he very much appreciates the fresh pot of coffee she made to go with the banana bread.

²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”

It’s true! You do such great things! And it’s not a competition, but if it was, you definitely surpass the women doing things less noble than you.

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Her sassiness has real appeal in the right setting but she can’t always fall back on that. She can’t remember the last time she washed her hair. Her love for God and care others really shines though, and that’s what matters.

³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Her husband takes a break from sitting at the gate to eat a sandwich that he made for himself with his wife’s delicious leftover roast beef. The sandwich tastes wonderful so he tells the other elders about its flavor. They give him a high five and ask for her recipe.

Turn the page after Proverbs 31:31 and you’ll find Ecclesiastes 1

Meaningless, meaningless. Utterly meaningless. Everything is meaningless.

I won’t re-write that one. It speaks for itself.

Be blessed, my friends.

You are awesome, just as you are! Keep seeking Jesus in everything you do.

May your freezer always be stocked with chicken strips for the days you don’t have time to cook. May your own personal water bottle be left alone so that you do not have to deal with backwash. And may you always remember to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer before it turns sour.