Heavenly Homemakers

Encouraging women in homemaking, healthy eating and parenting

Warning! Facebook Can Be Destructive To Your Marriage!

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Let me just get all the arguments out of the way right now. Facebook can be great and is a wonderful way to connect with people. I am rarely on FB, but have found it to be a super way to “find” old classmates, see pictures of friends and family, learn news of babies born and read of ways I can be praying for people I love. (For the record, by “old” classmates I totally mean “young” classmates because wow, we are all so incredibly youthful. I should have said former classmates, yes?) 

Facebook can be purely innocent and can offer a wonderful connection to the outside world, especially for moms who really just need an adult to commiserate with them on a day that the poop got smeared across the piano keys while the cell phone simultaneously got dropped into the toilet. 

Facebook in and of itself is not evil. Are we clear on that?  This is not a post telling you to avoid all appearances of FB and woe to the person who  updates her status or changes his profile picture. I’ll even go so far as to encourage you to hit my “like” button so that you can be a fan of Heavenly Homemakers on Facebook if you so choose.

However, just like everything that can and should be used for a good purpose, Facebook has been a party to destroyed marriages. It’s sneaky and subtle and can creep up on a person before they realize that damage has been done. Sounds just like the way Satan works, doesn’t it? 

I’m pretty sure most people do not log into Facebook with the plan to get too close to someone who is of the opposite sex and cross any boundaries that should not be crossed. But I’ve seen it happen and I’ve seen divorce as the outcome. It’s heartbreaking and it’s gut-wrenching and I’m here to beg you to please be careful.

If you choose to be on Facebook, I think it is important to be very selective in deciding what you post. I’ve seen gals post information about their bras, about their bodies, about the fact that they’re getting ready to go take a shower. It may seem innocent, but for REAL…that is too much information to share with all of your “friends”.

Also, please be careful about your Facebook conversations with others, especially with people of the opposite sex. It’s somehow much easier to say things on screen that we would NEVER say to someone’s face, which of course makes it much easier to cross lines we know better than to cross.

We have to work daily to protect our marriages.  Facebook is just one small example that has been on my heart lately. 

Hey…here’s an idea! How about using your Facebook status updates as a way to build up your spouse? Share with your “friends” something great that your husband did or a reason you’re proud of him. Nothing says, “I love my husband, everyone else back off!” like a wife who can’t stop saying great things to others about her man.

See? Go check this out.  I just updated my Facebook status to say something great about Matt. Easy as that, I’m doing something positive for my marriage and using Facebook for good. 

If you’re a Facebooker, can I challenge you to do the same? :)

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The Great Marriage Flirt

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“Hey there,” I say to my husband as I come into the room where he is mudding and sanding the drywall. “Now that is lookin’ good.”

“Thanks,”  he says as he reaches down for more mud.

And then I say, “Oh, and those walls aren’t looking too bad either.” 

Now that stops him mid-mud-smear. Obviously, I wasn’t talking about the walls the first time. {giggle}  We share raised eyebrows and sly grins, as the kids run in and out, oblivious to what I just really said. That makes it even more fun.

Flirting with my guy is one of the most enjoyable parts of my day. I can’t help it. He’s fun to flirt with. It’s such a simple way to connect and to share smiles in the midst of hard work and crazy schedules. I love being his number one girl. I love being the one who puts the smile on his face. My flirting always makes him smile – especially when it takes him by surprise.

Once a marriage is well underway and perhaps kids join the mix, we can sometimes feel lost in all the paper work and bills and gymnastic classes and carpooling and grocery shopping and dirty diapers and broken dishwashers. Somehow, we may not even remember how to flirt because really it feels good enough just getting your hair brushed some days. 

So don’t make this flirting thing complicated. Just do small things to keep your marriage fun and lively. Simply relax and enjoy your husband and the relationship God gave you.

A simple smile straight to him goes a long way.

Flirting isn’t always about sex. It rarely is, in my opinion. It’s really about connection. Sharing something special between just the two of you. Having those secret messages that float over the dinner table when neither of you can get a word in over the hubbub of one child banging his sippy cup on the highchair and another child sharing the most exciting part of her day with daddy (the part about how Curious George climbed a tree after a kitten and couldn’t get down and the fireman had to come and the Man with the Yellow Hat said…). 

If you’re just being “work partners”, trying to get through each day without losing your heads…something needs to give. You and your husband are more than just work partners. You’re more than just friends. You’re more than teammates. 

You’re lovers. Forever.

Enjoy being together. Smile. Bump into each other “accidentally”. Wink. Sneak a kiss. Email or text him something “sassy”.

Flirt.

It’s fun. :)
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What are your thoughts? Does flirting with your husband come naturally to you or is this something you try to improve upon?

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The Importance of Modesty

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What does being modest have to do with being a good help meet to your husband? I personally think it has a lot to do with it. What’s mine is my husband’s, and not anyone else’s …and I’m not talking about bills and laundry duty…if you know what I mean.

It pains me to see women showing too much of anything anywhere at any time. I believe sometimes women (and girls) dress inappropriately without really knowing that they are…and I think that sometimes they know full well what they are doing and they feel like it is the MAN’S problem. Sure, a man has the responsibility to be godly and not gawk, but FOR REAL…if you put a rich piece of fudgy chocolate in front of my face and tell me that it’s not mine so I have no business looking at it…I’m going to do my best to have a conversation with you while you’re eating the chocolate, but you’re going to make life a little bit difficult for me. 

I’m growing more and more aware of this issue as my sons get older. How dare women and teens make my job as a parent and my son’s growing up challenges more difficult than they already are? I’m working hard to show my sons what true femininity and godly womanhood are. Please don’t cause my sons to struggle. We’re trying to prepare them to be true to each of their wives some day.

I wish I was just addressing a worldly problem here. It makes sense to me when women “of the world” dress immodestly. They don’t know the Truth and it makes me hurt for them. But in all my years of being a part of the Christian community, I’ve recognized that our admonition to “dress modestly” is not very clearly defined. It has become very clear to me that there are many different ideas about what it means to be modest. And I see that even in the Christian community, modesty isn’t very well understood.

I run the risk of stepping on some toes with this post, which of course is not my intent. My purpose for writing this post is to encourage all of us to think carefully about what we wear, about how it looks to others and about how it effects our marriage. As Christian women, we should have a heart that desires to build up others and draw them closer to Christ.  If what you’re wearing doesn’t do that…throw it away. It’s that important. 

Don’t worry, you’ll find another favorite sweater. I promise there are cute, trendy clothes out there to be found that ARE modest. To think that “this is just what everyone is wearing these days so I can’t really find anything else” is a big lie from Satan. Don’t believe it.

To me, being modest means that you respect what belongs to your husband, or if you’re not married yet, you respect what belongs to your future husband. If you’re married, there are some very appropriate (and FUN!) times to dress in skimpy, lacy, alluring clothes…so by all means…go for it…when you and your husband are alone. God has a purpose for a man being attracted to a woman’s body, and hello married women…this is it! Enjoy it!

But do you really want someone else to see what is your husband’s…even just a little bit? I big fat don’t. It sickens me to think of another man seeing or thinking about me as anything but as a Christian sister. Why would I dress in a way that causes a man to do exactly what I don’t want him to do?

Be cute, look attractive, smile sweetly…and dress modestly. Men everywhere (and mothers of boys!) will appreciate this so much. And so will your husband. The end.
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EDITED TO SAY:

Hello Friends. In an effort to keep my Heavenly Homemakers site a friendly and loving place, I am now turning off the comments on this post. There has been just a little bit too much chatting going on in the comments section that hasn’t been edifying and just as I wouldn’t invite that kind of talk in my living room, I don’t welcome it on my blog. I prayed over and worked very hard to word my post in such a way that would encourage us as women to honor and respect our husbands by dressing modestly. I didn’t tell you what to wear, I simply wanted to encourage us all that modesty is an important part of being a good help meet to our husbands.

I’m going to go with the assumption that you all mean to say what you’re saying in love, but some of the comments and arguments shared as you “talk amongst yourselves” are starting to make my head (and my heart) hurt.

We all have different opinions about what modesty is and as long as you feel like you are dressing in a way that honors God and your husband, you’re doing a great job. Follow where you feel God is leading you on this issue and do so with a loving heart.

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What My Husband Needs (I mean your husband, well…you know what I mean)

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You’ve read many of the books or heard much of the “good wife” advice that I’ve heard right? That advice that states that I need to greet my husband at the door each night when he comes home from work looking refreshed and lovely because otherwise I’m not showing my love for him. Apparently I’m supposed to be wearing the sweater he loves (always) and have my hair curled and pretty (at precisely 5:05)…the house is supposed to be clean and if I’m not mistaken, I am supposed to kiss my husband for a full minute (One Mississippi, Two Mississippi…) immediately when he walks in from his hard day at work. I also need to train my children to run in and greet him (what, in the middle of our kiss?!) so that they can show their Daddy how much he means to them.

But wait, there are other books that tell me that when a man comes home from work, he needs a good bit of time to wind down before he is to be bothered. He should be allowed to go “into his cave” all by himself with no one to touch him or ask him how his day went and I am certainly not to begin telling him how my day went until he has had exactly 47 minutes (or whatever) alone in his cave and is ready to give me his full attention.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to kiss him in the cave or not. 

Is it just me, or is there a little bit of contradictory marriage advice out there? And while I think that so many of the aforementioned ideas are great and possibly valid, I can often feel overwhelmed with all of the “good advice” and feel like I just don’t measure up because I can’t do all of those things.

I would like to suggest that each of us, as wives, need to look at what our individual husband’s needs and desires are and focus on meeting those needs.

My husband personally doesn’t care if my hair is curled and lovely when he walks in the door. (Thank goodness, since as we all know, I rarely have time to curl my hair and you will often find a good bit of flour in the wisps falling into my face.)  He actually appreciates the fact that although I do care to keep myself clean and neat (flour in the hair being an exception), I don’t spend much time primping in front of a mirror every day. He doesn’t expect the house to be perfect and he doesn’t really have a cave. He would probably love it if I kissed him for 60 whole seconds (…Twenty-Four Mississippi…) when he walks in the door, but there are usually four loud and excited children who beat me to the door and if all I’m able to do is look up from my biscuit dough with a crooked smile…he still knows I love him.

Because I show him in ways that HE needs. 

It doesn’t matter what all the other husbands need.  All that matters to me is what MY husband needs. 

It’s good to listen to advice from Godly people and to read good Christian books on marriage. There are some fantastic words of wisdom to learn from. But take that advice and communicate with your husband about what he needs from you. Knowing that you’re doing just what your husband needs feels a whole lot better than trying to meet the needs defined in a book.

And now…just because I just really want to…I’m going to find my husband and practice the infamous 60-second kiss. (…Forty-Seven Mississippi…)

How about we call it “The Kississippi”?

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Chatting With Lisa Whelchel (about marriage)

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I’ve read Lisa’s ideas about parenting…I’ve read her thoughts on friendship…but I’ve never read her insights on marriage. And so I asked…

Me:

I’m currently writing a series on my blog encouraging wives in their journey as a help meet to their husbands. What is something practical you’ve done to help your husband be a better father, husband, man of God?

Lisa:

Well, can I share something with you that I wish I would have done better and understood earlier? 

It’s about balance. I’d read all the books about being a great help meet and I implemented all the right things. But somehow as I was offering all that I thought a good wife should be…I stopped offering myself.

If we change ourselves too much to be their help meet, we can make it too easy for our husbands and they can’t grow. We have to be honest – that’s what being a good help meet is.

Laura’s follow-up thoughts:

Eek, my notes as I scrawled frantically during my interview with Lisa were beginning to look rather scary at this point. I was trying so hard to listen well and write at the same time, but your guess is as good as mine about what I meant when I wrote, “use uhs as a good opp”. Huh? If you recall, this entire interview took place in fifteen minutes time. There was not time for neat penmanship.

Anyway, what I THINK Lisa was wisely saying to us is that being a good help meet doesn’t mean that we’re to just completely give up on what we need and desire in our marriage, just to make our husbands happy. We have to be honest and tell our husbands what we need, otherwise they can’t grow into the husband God desires them to be. 

I think that there are wonderful “be a better help meet” books out there, but I do often feel overwhelmed and inadequate after reading them. That’s part of the reason I started writing my own series about becoming a better help meet…to try to be real and practical…hopefully, sort of. 

So yes, being a good wife doesn’t mean that I should give up on who I am so that my  husband’s world will happily and smoothly go around. It does mean that I sometimes give up what I want. It does mean that I put his needs before my own. It does mean that I love him with all my heart and work very hard to meet his needs.

But meeting his needs may mean that I challenge him to improve his life and to work to better meet my needs. I’m only truly being his help meet if I am helping him become a better man of God.

I think this help meet thing calls for a lot of prayers for wisdom.

What do you think?

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Remind Yourself!

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Today I just want to share a simple little thing I do to remind myself all day that I think my husband is awesome!

This all came about rather innocently. I didn’t intentionally create this little exercise so that I could remind myself of how much I love Matt. It just happened, and then I realized how cool it was. It’s profound…are you ready?! 

I set one of my computer passwords (one that I use frequently) to say something great about Matt.  I was feeling giddy one day, and I needed to set a new password…and so just like I was in junior high writing “I LOVE MATT” on the side of my notebook between classes, I set my password to say it.

(“I LOVE MATT” isn’t the password, by the way. What, do you think I’d just tell all of you one of my passwords?)

(Or maybe it IS the password and I’m just telling you it isn’t just to throw you off.)

(Wow, I just forever keep you hopping, don’t I?)

But don’t you remember those feelings you felt back when you and your husband were dating and you couldn’t stop thinking about him and you wanted to carve your initials together into a tree? And tell all your friends about how great he was? And write his name on stuff?

Somehow life takes over and reality sets in and we as a couple become comfortable and not so giddy anymore. That’s mostly okay. We don’t really have time to sit around and sigh and daydream.

But having my password set to remind me all day long that I LOVE MATT (or something else, or not), has been so super neat. Like, totally.  (That would be me reverting back to junior high lingo.)

Typing in the words reminds me several times a day of how much I love my  husband. And in the middle of a very busy life full of activity and just…busyness…those reminders are a valuable treasure.

So, just a suggestion:  Set up a password or two to say something great about your relationship with your husband. You’ll appreciate the loving reminders!

LAURA AND MATT FOREVER XOXOXO

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Lead Me…A Prayer for Your Marriage

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I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to marriage, in particular we can help our husbands be godly leaders and the kind of men we need and desire them to be. I know many of you have experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment in your marriage. Many of you want your husbands to step up and be a stronger spiritual leader in your home. 

Whether your husband is leading your family the way he should be or not, I thought you might enjoy this song that touched me heart recently.  I told you that listening to music ministers to me!  When I heard the the words of Lead Me, by Sanctus Real, I fell in love with the message.

I realize this song is directed more to men…as encouragement to let God lead them as they strive to lead their families. Maybe you’ll have an opportunity to share this song with your husband. Plus, I thought it would give us all some great words to pray as we ask the Lord to help our husbands be strong and to meet our needs. I’ve been using the words of this song to pray for several of our friends who are struggling in their marriages.

In addition and maybe more importantly, I think this song can be a heart check for each of us as wives. Are we being the kind of wife our husband needs? Are we loving our children the way we should be? Are we letting our husbands lead? Are we fulfilling the roles in the home that we should be? Do our husbands and children feel supported by us, or do they feel alone?

Just a few things to think about and pray over…

And no matter what, always remember that God is in control and that he loves you and is holding you up.

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: He Can’t Read Your Mind

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I remember the first time we celebrated my birthday as a married couple. It was one of the most disappointing days. Growing up, my mom had always made my birthday all about me. I would wake up to gifts and a special breakfast. We usually went out for a lovely lunch. I got to pick what I wanted for dinner and we all celebrated with a cake.

So naturally, Matt should have known all of that. He should have thought ahead and planned ahead and baked me a big cake and planned the whole day around me because hello…it was my birthday.

I believe the day went something like this:  I did not wake up to presents or a special breakfast. Lunch? Well that would depend on what I chose to make. There was no cake. Matt didn’t even mention my birthday until late afternoon when he said something like, “I have to go out for a little while because I haven’t had a chance to shop for your present yet. What do you want for your birthday?”

What do I want? What do I WANT? I WANT you to know what I want! I want you to spend hours thinking about how to make my day special and about what would be a wonderful and romantic gift for me. And what do you mean you “haven’t had time to shop yet”? You had 364 days to shop!

Mature, wasn’t I?  Expecting a little too much from my new husband? Um, yeah. Especially since I hadn’t expressed one bit of my desires to him in the first place. I didn’t want to have to tell him what I wanted. That wouldn’t have been romantic at all. I wanted him to just KNOW what I wanted. I expected him to create a magical day for me when he had no idea what I had expected. His birthdays growing up had been much more “low key” than mine had been. He didn’t know that the world had to stop and that everything had to revolve around me on my birthday. 

That’s just a silly little example of how not sharing our needs or desires with our husbands can cause unnecessary frustration. But the big point is this:  Our husbands can NOT read our minds.  Your husband probably has no idea what you want until you tell him. 

Hey, you can’t read his mind either. This marriage thing takes communication. 

If you want your husband to help you more around the house, you need to tell him. And you need to be specific. You can’t just say, “I need you to help me more around the house.” He’s likely to look around the house, feel completely overwhelmed and not help at all. Remember, he can’t read your mind. He probably wants to help you, he just doesn’t know what it is that you need help with. While YOU see the pile of laundry that needs to be folded, don’t assume that he KNOWS that you want him to fold it. Instead of, “I need you to help me” say something along the lines of, “Hey, would you be able to get those clothes folded for me sometime this afternoon?” (And then you give him a flirty look, a smile and a wink – but that’s another post for another day.)

Don’t just sit around waiting for him to figure out what you need or desire. He doesn’t know. He’s probably not insensitive and uncaring. He just doesn’t know. Because your husband can not read your mind.

If you expect your husband to read your mind and instinctively know what you want…you are going to be constantly disappointed. Disappointment can lead to resentment. Which can lead to bitterness. Which can lead to a big sinful mess. The kind of sinful mess that rests in your heart, not in his.

Gently and lovingly share your needs with your husband. Be specific. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. Decide if it truly is a need (or just a selfish desire). Express yourself calmly. DON’T NAG. 

Which leads me to this:  Even if you share your needs with your husband in all the right ways…he still may not be able to (or willing to) meet all of them. You may be able to try talking through it with him again another time. You may be able to express yourself differently to help him understand what you need. Or, this may just be a time to shut-up and pray.

And through prayer, you will learn that there’s only One who can truly meet all of your needs sufficiently. And joy of joys…He can indeed read your mind. :)

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Expectations

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When we got married, we had quite a few expectations about what we thought marriage would be like. 

I personally had quite a blissful view of what it would be like to be a wife and homemaker. My kitchen would always be clean. My chores would always bring me joy. I would always be rested, organized and cheerful. My husband would always say and do exactly the things I needed and wanted him to say and do. We would have beautiful children who were well behaved and quiet and who never argued. Oh, and of course, some of those beautiful children would be of the girl variety.

Fifteen and a half years later, I am a (very happily married) woman with a frequently dirty kitchen and a large list of unfinished chores that occasionally make me feel very grumpy. I could use a nap and I have to pray and put forth quite an effort to continually be cheerful. My husband certainly doesn’t always say and do exactly what I need him or want him to do. None of my children are of the girl variety…and hardly ever are they quiet.

Am I disappointed with all of these expectations that have gone unfulfilled? No way.  I’m still doing everything I always wanted to do…I’m just living within the realm of reality now. The fact that God gave us four boys has been joyful beyond my wildest dreams. I could never keep a perfect house because well…we’re all living in it. My husband can’t possibly say everything and do everything perfectly because as great as he is, he is also human and for goodness sake..sometimes I don’t even know what I want. How is he supposed to know? 

You know the way life always turns out so perfectly in books that you read and movies that you watch? Yeah…those aren’t real!!  Books and movies are stories written by people. I have to be very careful when I’m reading a good Christian fiction book that I don’t suddenly become dissatisfied with my own husband and my own life. Somehow the main male character in those books knows exactly what his woman needs and wants and always says the perfect thing. (Funny isn’t it that these books are usually written by WOMEN!)

I am going to suggest then that while we absolutely should aim high and desire a wonderful life with a wonderful man of God…we also need to recognize that there is no such thing as a perfect life with a perfect man. If there was a perfect man out there…he wouldn’t be choosing the likes of me because well…I’m not perfect.

I have more to say about expectations, specifically with our husbands, but I’ll share that another time.

For now I’ll stop with the simple idea that as a help meet to our husbands we need to learn to be joyful while we live lives that are less than perfect.  Lives that may include spills, mistakes, socks on the floor, stains on the rug, bad breath, hurt, death, sickness, sore backs, misplaced documents, dried out markers, toilet seats left up, squishy bananas under the table and lost library books.

Embrace the life God gave you with the husband you chose. Let go of perfect expectations…and choose JOY!

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Becoming a Better Help Meet: Pray for Your Husband (+ a Giveaway!!)

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Be sure to catch up on the rest of this series here.

Last time, we talked about working hard to make sure our relationship with God is strong and alive so that we can be readily equipped to meet the needs of our husband.

Today, let’s talk about praying for our husbands.

Besides making sure your relationship with God is what it should be, praying for your husband is one of the most important things you can do as his help meet. You may not be able to change anything about your husband. You may not be able to help your husband be successful at his work. You may not be able to make your husband become a stronger spiritual leader.

But God can.

God loves your husband more than you do. God wants your husband to be spiritually minded. God wants your husband to love Him and serve Him. God wants your husband to meet your needs and the needs of your family.

You can talk to your husband about these desires. You can hurt for your husband when he struggles. You can encourage your husband to do more of the things you want him to do. You can beg your husband to become more of the man you want him to be.

But most of the time, you just need to shut-up and pray.

Love your husband. Respect your husband. Take care of your husband’s physical needs. Listen to your husband. Be kind to your husband. 

And pray for your husband.

Pray for his role as a father. Pray for his role as your husband. Pray for his work. Pray for his other relationships. Pray for his struggles. Pray for his weaknesses. Pray for his strengths. Pray for his spiritual growth. 

The prayer of a righteous [wo]man is powerful and effective.  (Read James 5:13-18.)
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Going right along with this idea of praying for our husbands…Taraleigh of FBS Books (take note of her sponsorship button on my sidebar) is offering to give away one of the books from her shop, Prayers of an Excellent Wife. 

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Prayers of an Excellent Wife appears to be a fantastic resource to help us learn the art of praying for our husbands consistently, faithfully and according to scripture.

I’d like to encourage you to take a good look around FBS Books as it is filled with wonderful resources!! Thank you so much Taraleigh for offering to share Prayers of an Excellent Wife with one of my readers! This book is sure to be a blessing!
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For a chance to win a copy of Prayers of an Excellent Wife:

  1. Leave a comment here on this post letting us know something you pray for your husband about (or would like to begin praying for him about).
  2. For a second chance at winning a copy of this book, join me in becoming a facebook fan of FBS books! This will be a great way to keep up to date with their sales and new products! Once you become a fan, be sure to leave a second comment here letting me know!

Everyone sign up to win this book…then get on your knees for your husband. Your marriage will be blessed as a result! Thank God for the chance to lift our needs up to Him!

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