If you haven’t already, you may want to go back and read Raw, Guilt , and Beginning before reading this post.
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Sit down. Be still. Chill out. Relax. I have been good at none of these.
I have always been – okay not always – but since about age 12, I have been running on high gear. I have been an old clunker of a car that only continues to run if you keep your foot on the gas pedal.
What? You only have new cars and therefore don’t understand the gas pedal pushing of which I speak? I’m thinking back mostly to a car I had in high school. The car would start sometimes and only when the weather was right, if I wasn’t wearing the color blue, and if it wasn’t the fourth Tuesday of the month. Starting it required that I pump the gas pedal continuously, praying that in doing so, I didn’t flood the engine.
Once the (blasted) car finally started, it could never sit idle. I had to rev the engine constantly to keep it from dying.
Me. I have been the car that has a foot on the gas pedal, continuing to rev. And rev. And rev.
I didn’t know it though. I just thought that this was how I functioned. This is my personality, right? That is how I was able to get so much done in a day. This is how I do things. This was just me.
Or so I thought.
I am now learning that revving my engine in high gear should be saved for the few and far between moments when one of my boys flings himself off a mattress and into a metal bed frame, resulting in the need for a fast trip to the ER for stitches on his forehead. That should not be my normal, daily mode. Life is not an emergency, but I lived each moment like it was.
So that was me, and boy did I kick tail every day. I loved everything I was doing all day long. I love being with my kids, and teaching them. (Although I’m not a big fan of grammar lessons because really, why do my kids and I need to care about, much less identify, a predicate nominative?) I love cooking and taking care of my home. I love writing and blogging and keeping in touch with all of my readers. I love Jesus and serving his people.
But somehow, I thought I needed my engine to be revved in high gear in order to do these things. There was no peace. Only a Go!Go!Go! mentality that kept me constantly on the move, constantly working to make sure I was being the best Christian possible, all the time, because this is what He’s called me to be and anything less was just not enough because, well, it just wasn’t.
Hardly anyone around me, even those who were closest to me – and I’m talking about my husband here – were actually very aware of my constantly revved engine. I mean, like I said, I certainly didn’t really recognize it. I thought this was just “me” and how I did life.
As so much of my yuck has been revealed to me by God the past few months and as I have shared it all (in detail) to my (longsuffering, amazing) husband – while he has been thankful to hear what God has been teaching me, he has also been surprised. He feels that I’m being too hard on myself perhaps. “Really Laura,” he has told me, “you have never come across to me as being this anxious. I see you as being driven, hard working, intentional – and yeah, you get a lot done in a day. But you do it all in love and with care. I really don’t see you as the crazy brained woman you are describing.”
Yeah, that’s because my revved engine was all pent up inside. It was in my shoulders that were constantly tight and stiff. It was in my head, which was constantly thinking about the next eighty-three things that “needed” to get done. So much for living in the moment! After all, the moment is just about to be sooo thirty seconds ago. Go!Go!Go! (Wow, get migraines much, Laura?)
I’m so grateful to share that God is helping me let go of the anxiety that has been driving me all these years. Hear the key words in that sentence: the anxiety that has been driving me. How dare I let anything as miserable as anxiety drive or control me, my attitude, and my actions? God calls me to serve Him, but like this?
I needed to let it go. But how?
I’m reminded of a song I haven’t sung for many years: “Refiner’s fire, my heart’s one desire is to be holy.” I mean it when I sing it, but in daily life I am somehow surprised when I find that God continues to work on parts of me that I think I should have “got” by now. It’s often painful, but when I turn to him, I see again and again how he who began a good work in me, is faithful to complete it. It has been easiER to trust Him because I see more and more that His is in control, I am not, and that is how it is supposed to be!
Some years ago, when I was pretty low, I called my Dad (who is a pastor, too). Besides listening and encouraging, the main suggestions he had were that I spend time in the Bible, listen to (Christian) music, and go outside. Those things did much to lift me up, as I’m sure his and others’ prayers did.
I know more lessons are coming for me, and I am thankful God loves me so much that he works in a slow learner.
By the way, my favorite dwelling places in the Bible are the Psalms and 1 John.
Blessings to you as you continue to bless others.
Great song Bekah. One that I often forget but a great message!
I am so thank you are sharing. And I’m just going to soak this in. I feel like anxiety drives me too! Yuck, just like you said.
When I was getting my girls tucked in for bed tonight I felt like a ticking time bomb was going to explode if they didn’t get in bed by 7 and we read some scriptures and said prayers. It’s so hard for me to be relaxed. Well, there’s more of that… :(
Anyways, thank you for sharing with us Laura.
Laura. Sister. You are describing just what I am learning. And living. Your words match my story. Though, my physical manifestations of the anxiety inside are different, really. Unreal. So thank you for sharing this. I hate that you’ve been walking this, I do feel strangely comforted to read this. Blessings.
I can associate with what you’re saying. I’m very productive and tend to do well at whatever tasks I undertake, so other people often view me as “driven, hard-working, intentional” (as your husband viewed you). They don’t see the anxiety—the need to do more, the need to do better, the lack of peace—that’s on the inside.
I also drove an old car in high school (a ’67 Mustang). I remember how tough it was to get it started (and keep it running) on cold mornings. :-)
Laura, I have a feeling there are SO MANY of us like you have been describing out there! It’s me, too! Although having depression along with it makes me feel like I DON’T love doing ANYTHING. But anxiety is what drives me through every day, like homeschooling and caring for my 6 children and patient hubby is a constant emergency. LORD, HELP ME! I am just recently coming to this realization also… This is the verse that came to me while nursing my baby boy in the middle of the night last night “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me” in other words “stop trying to do it all yourself, your way, Emily.” “My way” is definitely not working! I’ll be praying for you!
Have you consider reading or listening to One Thousand Gifts? It has been transforming for me. The author is a homeschooling mother of 6 and wife of a farmer. She has changed my view of how I am trying to trust more in the Lord in each moment. I don’t have a lot of time to read right now, so I downloaded the book and she reads it herself. Honestly, I think I’m getting more that way than I would just reading.
She talks about her own shattered story and learning to refocus her lens on the gifts of God. I don’t know if that would be a blessing to you, but it sure has to me. Many blessings to all of you mommas, like me, who are learning to be obedient to our Savior.
You are describing my life, too. My problem is that I don’t know how to stop it, but I’ve been trying. With God’s help – and maybe some wisdom from someone else (like you!) who is walking the same path – I can only continue the journey.
I was intrigued by the conversation with your husband. Isn’t it amazing how much we take on just by assuming that it’s what our family/spouse expects…only to find out that the way they look at us and what they expect from us is very, very different that what we’ve been assuming?
How wonderful that you have a spouse that you can bounce all this off of!
I have always wanted one of these!
Wrong post, sorry, I probably need to slow down a bit too!
I can so relate to this.
I would love to win this. I have been looking at them for a while now.
Laura,
I went through something very similar five years ago. I went a thousand miles and a thousand different ways, because I thought if I didn’t I wasn’t being a good wife, mother, friend, sister or even Christian. Through a series of events my world came crashing down around me, but in it and through it God showed me, that it’s ok to live a slower paced life, that He didn’t want me to GO,GO,GO but wanted me to be like Mary and simply sit at His feet and learn from Him. Since then, I now have a more sedate, slow paced life with only the occasional, fast paced day. And it’s how I prefer it. I don’t ever want to go back to that fast paced hectic anxiety driven life that I was living.
Holy cow! It’s like I’m reading about myself! I too am trying to figure out exactly where God wants me to be, because what I’m doing now, is clearly exhausting me.
My husband (also a minister) really helped me with this problem when we were into our third ministerial location. I felt like we were supposed to save everyone! He had me do a study on the scripture where Paul says – ” I planted, Apollus watered, but it is GOD who gives the increase.”. And there are other scriptures you can tack onto that one. But it was and still is a great comfort to me to know that all I need to do is just what I am able do and God takes it from there. My motive is just to happily plant and water as opportunity presents, and I am not responsible for the result. “Be still and know that I am the one in charge here.” ;-)
Can anyone share HOW you slow down; HOW you listen to God? Logically, I know that this is something we are all supposed to do, but my brain never stops long enough to hear what He has to say. Sometimes, I sit and think, “Okay, I’m listening.” And not even 30 seconds later, my mind is back to the ‘to-do’ list.
I’ll be getting to that as I continue to share what God has been teaching me. Hard lessons, stopping long enough to listen to God and let go of anxiety is possible!
Amanda,
To be honest it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn and still struggle like you with my mind wandering. But I’ve learned not to condem myself that the Lord knows my heart, and meets me right. He will do the same with you. He loves you so much.
There are two books that I have found extremely helpful with this very issue in my life: Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy with God in the Busyness of Life, and Having a Mary Spirit: Allowing God to Change Us from the Inside Out, both by Joanna Weaver.
I just want to encourage in your sharing of this journey with God. I have enjoyed reading about your homemaking adventures and have used a lot of your recipes in the past. I am very, very blessed to be reading more of the Spiritual aspect of your life. Thank you for sharing.
wow, I feel like you were writing your post about me!! Except that my husband clearly sees my anxiety and need to slow down :) And with me, it’s hard because anxiety issues run on both sides of my family, so I know there is a genetic part to go along with it. I guess knowing that has helped and hurt at the same time. But anyway, reading your last several posts has helped me to see clearly what is going on in my own head, and encouraged me to know I’m not alone, or going crazy!! haha.
Please pray for me that God will help me to continue to slow down, and I will pray for you too. Right now as I type, I’m thinking (and feeling guilty because I’m on here typing!) about the grapefruit I need to cut up for my oldest daughter who is about to get off the bus in a few minutes :)…one thing I will tell you (and I’m sure you are already doing this) is to just sit down and consciously remember the ways God is faithful to get everything (that needs to be!) done.
I have also been journaling for a couple years now, and it’s always encouraging to me to go back and read how He worked out everything perfectly yesterday or last year, and how He brought people to me at just the right time. Because I have a bad memory-haha! Anyway have a great weekend, and thank you so much for the constant encouragement and blessing you are to my family through your recipes and posts.
Life is not an emergency – YES! I totally relate to much of what your past year feels like internally. Sometimes the grace and joy we exude is really absent internally where chaos and pressure reigns. (Tell me, is this hypocrisy or wise filtration for those around us??????) Working on this too – looking forward to seeing how God is showing you a better way. Blessings, Ashley
I cannot wait to hear the whole story because I am completely the same way.
Laura –
Thank you for your vulnerability. Your story, though hard to live through, is beautiful because it reveals the truth of who God is and how his redemptive work is an ongoing process in our lives.
As I scrolled through the comments here, it became clear that most of us are dealing with anxiety in some form – and gosh, we are all so good at hiding it! You’re right: whether it’s intentional or not, it’s hidden under the guise of something less icky, something good and true and important (like being productive to care for people well).
Thank you for sharing your heart and for offering your story as an encouragement to those of us also experiencing anxiety in some form.
-Rachel
I could have written your post. I, too, am exactly as you describe. It has ruled my entire life. When my daughter was born (second child) I had major postpartum OCD and anxiety. It was to the point that I had a complete nervous breakdown and began seeing a therapist. I also started meds, which I took for about a year and a half. I never realized how “sick” I was until I felt better. I am no longer on meds, and I still struggle, but I try to “deal.” I am married, but I work full time in a stressful job, as I am the breadwinner in the family. I have two children. I do all house chores, make breakfast and lunches every morning, dinner every evening, etc. in addition, I am on the Board of several non-profits. Yeah, I am a glutton for punishment!! I am tired just writing all of this! (((Hugs)))) to you. Email me if you ever what to talk privately, as I know what you are going through!
Rebecca
Laura, thank you so much for sharing your life so openly with all of us! I am truly looking forward to reading each post!! May God bless you richly for blessing so many by sharing your testimony!!
This post is so timely. I was musing on this myself last night. In my case, my thought was, how much simpler would it be if I just let God work through me, direct me instead of this headlong run after what I think I should be doing. I barely stop to breathe sometimes and I think it shows. It doesn’t need to be this hard. And, it’s all in my head. I run to God, grab some grace and run off. God ends up trailing me when I should be walking with Him, if you know what I mean. I “think” I am walking with Him, but I am just an impetuous child running ahead. Not meaning to be disobedient. Yikes. I am going to go pray. :-)
I would love to have one of these. I live on a farm with high nitrates. It is a constant worry. The water in town is not much better soooo we just purchase filtered water.
Thank you for you post.
I look forward to your posts on this. I also struggle with stress and feeling anxious about getting things done. I didn’t realize until recently that my chronic headache was really a tension headache.
Bless you, sweet lady. So thankful for what God is showing you and doing in you. Hang in there, He who began this good work will be faithful to continue it!
Laura,
I am praying for you.
This verse came to mind:
Matthew 11:28
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Blessings,
Linda
I am also on this same journey of realization. My stress and anxiety has come out in the form of stomach problems. :( But, the Bible Study I’m currently doing has been so helpful! It’s Called Duty or Delight: Knowing where you stand with God,” by Tammie Head through Lifeway. There is spiritual warfare going on that we often don’t acknowledge. Satan will do anything to keep us from the way God means for us to live…in peace and freedom. A lot of us women buy into the lie that to be a really good Christian we’re supposed to be so busy, able to do it all. Lie! Sometimes he calls us to rest. Someone else quoted the verse from Matthew 11:28. I need to study it more but last Sun. in S.S., someone taught that that rest we seek, true rest, only comes from that time we spend being still with God, and not from any nap, etc. we think we need. Blessings to all of you women and prayers that we walk in the inheritance God intended for us through Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit!!!
I can relate too. God has been revealing to me this very same message to me. I think it is apparent to my family that I need to slow down, but not anyone else. God is slowly, gently teaching me. Praise God for being able to learn new things!
Thanks for being so open and honest and sharing your journey!