If you haven’t already, you may want to go back and read Raw, Guilt , Beginning, and Anxiety before reading this post.
So why was I like this? Why did I have this insane drive to go and to do and to please and to fix and to be and to go and to go and to go?
I had no idea. I had been like this since forever. I thought it was just how I was wired.
I realized that I needed to identify the root of this problem. I did not want a Band-Aid to cover it up. I did not want to deny the issue anymore. I needed to start at the beginning so that God could heal me and re-train my heart and head to respond to life in a healthy way.
I surrendered the need to God, stopped to listen, and after several days, He revealed the root of this issue to me. It was quite simple actually. As a small child, I had started believing the lie that pleasing people is the way to please God. That making sure people are pleased with me and happy with me was the gauge that measured my worth as a Christian. That disappointing others was a disappointment to God. Conflict and confrontation needn’t happen because I would simply live to please.
And so I did.
In doing so, I somehow lost myself. I was serving my family. I was serving God’s people. I was knocking myself out doing and being for others what I felt they were needing and expecting me to do and be. If someone was hurting, I thought it was up to me to fix it. If someone needed something, I would drop everything to meet that need. If I hadn’t known of someone’s need, I felt guilty for not being aware.
There is a certain level of pleasing others that is healthy and good. We want to be a blessing to those around us. But the truth is: The only One I need to seek to please is God. In doing so, others will be blessed. My focus needs to be on God and His will for me. Not on others. And certainly not on self.
Satan doesn’t want any of us to thrive. He wants us to struggle, hurt, fight bitterness, and stay stuck in a pool of yuck and assume that it is just a part of this balanced breakfast.
Sure enough, he often tricks us into believing that our struggles are “part of our personality.” We think, “It’s just who I am.” As a matter of fact, he’s such a good deceiver that often, we don’t even realize that a struggle is a struggle. It may even be disguised as a “gift from God.” Satan takes truth and puts a slight twist on it so that it becomes a lie. He is the greatest of all deceivers. He’s a clever one, that Satan. Which is why seeking truth is so very important.
God was glorified even in the midst of my struggle while I strived to serve Him through my weaknesses. It’s just that God wanted to show me a better way. I needed to recognize Satan’s lies about what it meant to be a servant of God. And I needed to stop being deceived into thinking that God was only pleased with me if I served others around me until I passed out cold.
Remember my “high gear?” My always revved engine? I truly was working to glorify God with my Go!Go!Go! mentality and activity. I thought that always putting others first and constantly seeking to meet the needs of everyone around me was the way I was to serve God.
As it turns out, I was really seeking to serve myself. It was time for me to learn truth.
Loving your series Laura. I am reminded in my own life the scripture that says, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. Here is to freedom!
Love you
Wow- I have tears in my eyes. As a child I had to earn my “love”- behave, get good grades, cook, wash, etc- well and still do with my parents. So I have struggled forever that I could be loved just because I am. I “know” I am not enough and I “know” God thinks otherwise but Satan will whisper those lies won’t he? Wonderful post! Keep going! Angela
Such a blessing! Satan feeds us so many lies that sound so true but like Jill said above: “you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” God is the truth and His Word will never lie to us. Bless you for sharing this. I know it will be a help to many!
As I read your honesty this morning, I wanted to congratulate you on being “real” enough to get to the root AND to tell you that you’re not alone. It is not easy, and most never even try to “get it”. It is also exceeding difficult to not lapse back into old and easy habits. Lapsing will be a struggle forever I suppose. The dying of old habits and the yearning, searching, struggling toward new God-led ones is, quite honestly, H-A-R-D!!! Obviously, I’m there too. And, as a mom of 4 sons as well (similar in age to your 4 sons) who often strangely finds myself reading of my own experiences while reading of yours, I can’t help but wonder if our finally “getting real” has most to do with His necessary accomplishments in our boys before they leave our care. I don’t know about y’all, but God is also working on my husband too. Yes, it’s HARD, but we stand in awe and thankfulness that He is doing this in our lives now so that our sons will be better equipped by us and through Him. My thanks & His Blessings to you! ~michelle
To truly get real with God you have to take your life, let go of it and leave it that way, giving it to God to be in charge of, and He shows you how to throw the struggle away. He is the only one that can do this.
Love to read all this. The lies satan tells are too many for sure. He is the biggest deceiver of all.
BLESSINGS!!!
What an amazing journey a valuable lesson we all need to learn.
Your journey sounds so similar to mine, though yours sounds a little more controlled. I suffered a nervous breakdown five years ago, which was my very blunt sign from God that I needed to get to the root of my problem. I didn’t put a band-aid on with medication, even though several people urged me to do so. I went through therapy, figured out what caused my anxiety, then underwent a cognitive re-direction exercise similar to those performed on soldiers with PTSD. Initially, I saw little relief, but after several months, I began to feel less anxiety. Five years later, I can honestly say that I have maybe one panic attack a year, where I used to have at least one every two weeks. I am a work in progress, but each day I am thankful for all the changes I have made personally and as a family over the past 5 years to achieve our goals of living a more peaceful, purposeful, and fulfilled life. Enjoy your journey and being able to look back at all you have accomplished. Living a spiritual life is so fulfilling.
When you give your life away to God, completely surrendering, and let Him do all the accomplishing in your life, then you can find complete healing. Talk to Him about this. He really does answer.
In seeking Him ask Him what He wants you to know about rest. This is totally vital to the relationship He wants to have with us.
Laura–Thank you for sharing your struggles! I’ve had some very dark moments since my son was born last year, and I’m only now coming to realize (and deal with) my hyper-driven personality. It’s a constant struggle for me to live in the moment. For example, enjoying the fact that my husband is safe and with me rather than…say…gripe about the dirty socks on the floor or the fact that I can’t read the book I want to because I have to make dinner for him. I’m hoping to learn to settle down and eat my elephants one bite at a time instead of stressing about how I’m going to get them all eaten. Thanks for the inspiration and camaraderie!
Amen!
thanks again for laying your soul bare for others’ edification and for sharing such truths you are learning on this journey of life and growth in our Savior. a life-changing book i read on this particular subject was “when people are big and God is small” by ed welch. i recommend it to all my friends. it’s written from the Biblical, nouthetic counseling point of view (Scripture is sufficient) rather than the psychological view, so it’s wonderful at exposing our hearts with the raw truth of the Word. i look forward to meeting you one day “up yonder” if not here on earth, since i feel as if we’re friends already!
This paragraph “In doing so, I somehow lost myself. I was serving my family. I was serving God’s people. I was knocking myself out doing and being for others what I felt they were needing and expecting me to do and be. If someone was hurting, I thought it was up to me to fix it. If someone needed something, I would drop everything to meet that need. If I hadn’t known of someone’s need, I felt guilty for not being aware.” is where I have been.
I have taken meals to friends about every other week, I get to church every week one hour early to help out. I do two bible studies a week. I spend money that we don’t have to buy a special card and gift that will hopefully uplift spirits and in all of this I deprive my home (laundry, dishes, healthy eating), my husband, my parents and in-laws, and my God.
I have stopped taking meals and buying sweet cards do to a more strict and supervised budget. I no longer get to church early and I just realized that those things are still not enough.
I now need to focus on my after work activities during the week so I will have energy and time to spend with God.
Thank you for sharing your life.
I have been on a similar journey this year, and your words mean so much to me! I feel that I have grown so much because I am learning to really let go and trust God completely. I also believe that God is preparing mothers- making them stretch and grow to become stronger- because this world is going to get harder and harder for our children to stay strong in. That is also why Satan is working extra hard on us:)It’s a crazy world out there right now and our children must be trained to be the ones who will lead their generation forward on the right path and be examples to their peers. Thank you so much for your inspiration. I look forward to reading the rest of your journey!
I remember reading this the day you posted it, but it is such a great reminder that I was happy to read it again. I think that this is something that we all struggle with. I think the key point you made is that when we seek to please God, others will be blessed as a result. Great reminder as I think we all struggle with this, especially women, wives, and moms.