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Holidays? Moms Need Help in the Trenches

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Whatever time of year, I can attest to the fact that moms need help. But during the holidays, we may need help even more and in a different way. Enjoy this gem from Tasha…

Holidays? Moms Need Help in the Trenches

By Tasha Hackett

When moms need help desperately but don’t even know where to start…

Shucks, life is fun, amiright? Those cute baby snuggles, warm apple pie, bright orange leaves in piles, glittering snow, creamy hot-chocolate, sizzling butter and garlic… mmmm. But geez, Moms need help. I need help. We mothers of young people are overwhelmed. The close-knit communities aren’t there anymore. Everyone has their own life and responsibilities. Social media, though originally designed to bring us together, only makes us feel worse. With the holidays upon us, where can I even start to get help? 

“Happiness is a decision,” said the well-meaning, but unhelpful person.

I’m sure you’ve heard that before. Happiness is a decision. For the overwhelmed mom, that is as unhelpful as telling her, “Enjoy them! They grow up so fast.” (Read Laura’s post on what to say instead.) Truthfully, it’s not helpful to say either of those things to the mother who dreads going to sleep at night because she knows the baby is going to wake in 45 minutes and then cry for the next two hours before he sleeps for another 45 … and the mother who dreads the morning because the other three littles are going to want to eat and wear clothes and they’re going to chatter and need love and attention and they’ll play and make messes.

Perhaps that mom is dealing with a cloud of emotional strain and doesn’t even know what she needs because her brain is overwhelmed from the aforementioned sleep deprivation and she forgot to eat food again. (Would it fool anyone if I said these were hypothetical examples? I was there last year.)

To quote Rabbit and Winnie-the-Pooh, “How about Lunch?”

Don’t tell her happiness is a decision, what she needs is (Okay, yes, Jesus. She needs Jesus, but also,) sleep. She needs sleep and she needs food, and she needs to know that she is in a place that won’t last forever. Her people need to support her with prayers for peace from the Holy Spirit in order to fully embrace life at home with littles. What really helps her is an older mom to say, “It’s gonna be okay. And I’ll bring dinner over at 5:00 pm.” And when that is offered, she needs to accept it and say, “Thank you.” If all the real moms will please stand up and support each other, we’ll be okay.

Moms need help. Mmk? We may need lots of help for the Holidays. The sooner we can embrace that, the happier we will be. 

When my firstborn was a few months old, Ben and I had opposite shifts. I worked days, he worked evenings and weekends. Saturdays were LOOOOONG. I was 100% an extravert (still am), trapped at home for 12 hours with a tiny baby that didn’t sleep much and cried when left alone. The emotional strain to be EVERYTHING for this tiny human ate at my core and I was isolated, worn out, drained, and lonely. 

I was (am) an interesting person with a broad skill set and none of that mattered on a twelve-hour workday with an infant. What mattered was giving, and giving, and giving. Spit-up on my pants, milk stains on my shirts, the house falling apart, chores half-done… you know. Foremost priority was loving this child, but it was breaking me in two.

One evening I sucked up my pride and walked myself to the neighbors: “I need help. I feel like I’m falling to pieces. He cries unless I hold him, and I’ve hardly been able to eat and I could really use a shower. Would you be willing to keep him for half an hour?” She said she’d gladly hold him for as long I needed. I showered. Cried. I ate some food. Cried. I pulled myself together and went back to claim my baby. He was happy. The neighbors were happy. And that evening will stick with me forever as the first time I was brave enough to ask for help. 

What does this have to do with moms and help for the holidays?

This season is going to be different. Know your limits and go easy on yourself. Don’t try to make everything perfect. Ask for help. Take time to enjoy this season as best as you can. Have fun. 

As a mother, wife, and homemaker, why do we play the martyr when no one has asked it of us? I’ve been in hard places far too many times the past eight years where the service of my community has kept me from falling apart. 

I’m afraid to share this because you may be astounded, “Tasha sounds depressed! She has anxiety.” What if you read this and think, “I can’t relate to this at all. Tasha needs help…” Um… yes. That’s the whole thing here. I do need help, but listen up, I’ve talked with many other young moms and we are all in the same boat! Some more than others, of course, but the general consensus is that WE DON’T HAVE IT FIGURED OUT. The water is pouring in faster than we can bail it out. We are in desperate need of older women to come alongside and get into the trenches to show us the way out.

Calling all experienced mothers! Moms need help! 

In tears, five years ago I called an older friend, (her youngest was six, oldest in high school,). I was home with a baby and a chatty 3-year-old. I said, “I have to get out. Can you come? I just need 10 minutes.” She said, “I’ll be there in five.” 

No joke. I had my coat on, boots tied, and was pulling on my gloves when she pulled into my driveway. I left the house and took off running. Literally. I’m sure I was a sight. I made it three blocks before I slowed because January-in-Nebraska. Five degrees is too cold to be gulping air. 

I let the wind suck my breath away. Crying, I begged God to bring me peace. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t enjoy my two precious babies? 

Dear mothers of young children, you are not broken. 

Author Johann Hari says to those with depression/anxiety, “You are not broken, you’re not weak, you’re not crazy. You’re not a machine with broken parts, you are a human being whose needs are not being met.” Loneliness, loss of control of your environment, the inability to get outside, feeling your life has no purpose, not feeling valued, emotional needs that are not being met, grief (perhaps the grief of lost freedoms?) are all causes of depression and anxiety. (Watch his TED Talk here.) If you’d like to learn more about this, read Hari’s book Lost Connections. He is not a Christian, but his research is phenomenal and while reading his book, I was astounded at how many things correlated with the overwhelm that is common with stay-at-home moms. 

tasha

Help for the weary (even during the holidays)

God promises rest for the weary and my logical brain argues, “Yea, but… you gave me four kids.” He promises peace and I say, “Yea, but, somebody still has to make food and do dishes.” When he reprimands Martha and nods in approval at Mary sitting at his feet, I say, “Mmmk…. But, I have toddler boys who literally pee all over the toilet and the floor.” 

Laura keeps reminding us that Jesus takes over and it’s not her doing it, but him. What does that look like? I think it looks like being able to have fun, being at peace, even while wiping pee off the floor. 

For the older moms: 

Look around your community and find a young mother to adopt.

Pray for the young mothers by name and ask for peace.

For the younger moms: 

Isaiah 40:11 “He gently leads those that have young.”

This is a revealing post. Rest assured, I am doing okay. Know why? Because I am continually asking for help. My heart aches for moms whose needs are not being met. I implore you to seek help. Help for moms can come in many different forms. For me, I’ve received it from doctors, counselors, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, bible class teachers, elders, cousins, college roommates, my fitness coach, my husband, the librarian, and even my best friend from preschool.

Truly, you do not have to do this alone.

Tasha HackettTasha Hackett, friend of Laura, has four chatty children and a wonderfully supportive husband. It’s possible she was born in the wrong century, as she always dreamed of being friends with Laura Ingalls and Anne Shirley. Her debut novel, Bluebird on the Prairie, a historical romance set in 1879 Nebraska, will release Spring 2021. The clumsy antics of the hero, huge misunderstandings, and a humorous brother/sister relationship will keep you smiling, but you may need a tissue as the heroine works through grief. Thankfully, word on the street is the story has a happily ever after.

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Stop Thinking and Pray

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Stop Thinking and Pray

70,000.  That’s how many thoughts we think every day, which breaks down to 1.2 thoughts per second.

Yoo-hoo, dear wonderful person who did the research so as to provide us with this thought provoking information: What I’d like to know is, how many of these thoughts of mine are rational, logical, emotional, or have something to do with cream cheese? Does this statistic count the thoughts I think in my subconscious while I’m sleeping? Or in fact do I cram my 70K thoughts into my awake hours, which ultimately means that all the thoughts I think are running into each other, tackling, punching, vying for attention, thus resulting in a big jumbled pile-up inside my head?

I’d like to believe my thinker works in overdrive because I am an efficient multi-tasker. Yes. This is a gift I have, which in effect allows me to plan dinner, read to my kids, make a mental list of phone calls I need to make, and question whose feet are the culprit of my nostril discomfort – all at the same time. Unfortunately, it is also the thinker that allows me to create scenarios, envision disasters, replay conversations, invent situations, and ultimately freak out inside about what did, could, should, didn’t, would have, and might just happen. It is this thinker that makes me believe that I’m completely on my own and able to solve all the world’s problems, prevent all physical and spiritual calamities for my children, and figure out how to appropriately respond to all conversations and encounters.

This kind of thinking makes me crazy.

So what to do? We can’t stop thinking. (because then we’d be dead. okay then.)  Are those of us who tend to “over-think” situations, worry, fret, and constantly analyze just destined to have a lot of frustration for the rest of our lives?

Jesus says, no way. Just like any sin and struggle, God gives us a simple way out of the crazy.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Take Every Thought Captive

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We control our thoughts. They do not control us. If we allow thoughts that are anxious, frustrated, confusing, angry, controlling, or ungodly in any other way – we need to take them captive and intentionally refocus them to make them obey Christ.

This takes courage, intention, and a heart open to surrender. Christ wants to overtake our thoughts, to fill our minds with his goodness, and to rule our actions. He can’t do that when we ignore Him. He can’t talk to us if we aren’t listening. He can’t fill us with His peace and joy when we refuse to let go of swirling, corrupted thoughts.

Take your thoughts captive. Make them obey Christ. Stop thinking about and trying to figure out all the stuff. Just stop.  Stop thinking and pray. Before every decision. Every situation. Every step forward.

Be amazed at how God offers a solution to every problem you face and how He replaces your anxiety with peace.

Stop thinking and pray. It works! But did we really expect anything less?

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Stop

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And by stop, I mean literally – stop. Right where you are. Breathe deeply. Sit still. Listen.

Don’t tell me that you can’t. That you don’t have time. That you don’t know how. I am was the queen of can’t, don’t have time, and don’t know how to stop. I am have been the GO!GO!GO! girl. I’m not saying that I don’t empathize with your busy life and your long to-do list. Oh how I understand. I’m just saying that we don’t get to use those excuses anymore. Those excuses keep us stuck on the path of pain and frustration. It’s the path led by self, and its road takes us on a journey to emptiness.

The opposite of GO! is stop. This is what I have to do several times each day as I retrain my thought patterns and turn my heart away from self and toward God’s leading. The truth is that I must make time to stop because I don’t have time in my day to waste thinking anxious thoughts. I don’t have time in my day to worry. I don’t have time in my day to be frustrated over issues I have no control over.

But there are people to care for, jobs to do, meals to cook, bills to pay, and the never-ending to-do list to accomplish! Go! Get it done! We must plow through and work and keep saying yes to people and worrying about how to make it all happen!

NO.  Stop.

We cannot do this without Jesus. Stop. Breathe. Pray. Every time you feel anxious. Every time you are afraid. Every time you feel inferior. Every time you feel like you’re not doing enough. Every time you have to make a decision. Every time. Stop.  Breathe Jesus in. Ask the Spirit to guide you. Relax in His presence. Walk with Him. Accept His gift of peace.

Do you remember my post several months ago called Pull Up a Chair? Can I encourage you to go read it again? God has so much to teach us. His words are so rich. His voice is so powerful. His works sustain us. Nothing we do apart from Him accomplishes anything (John 15:5). We need Jesus for our daily survival and so that we can thrive while we serve.

While God continues to teach me and while I am recognizing that I still have so much to learn – I can not tell you how grateful I am that I am learning to stop frequently during the day to re-focus. I still work hard. I still accomplish everything God needs me to each day. In fact, I do believe I am more productive now than I have ever been before.

I stop so that I can seek Him. I stop so that I can learn. I stop so that I can hear truth. I stop so that I can go.  Only now I am going in the direction God points – the road that leads to peace.

Continue reading: Pride

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Seek

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If you haven’t already, you may want to go back and read Raw, Guilt , Beginning, and Anxiety before reading this post.

So why was I like this? Why did I have this insane drive to go and to do and to please and to fix and to be and to go and to go and to go?

I had no idea. I had been like this since forever. I thought it was just how I was wired.

I realized that I needed to identify the root of this problem. I did not want a Band-Aid to cover it up. I did not want to deny the issue anymore. I needed to start at the beginning so that God could heal me and re-train my heart and head to respond to life in a healthy way.

I surrendered the need to God, stopped to listen, and after several days, He revealed the root of this issue to me. It was quite simple actually. As a small child, I had started believing the lie that pleasing people is the way to please God. That making sure people are pleased with me and happy with me was the gauge that measured my worth as a Christian. That disappointing others was a disappointment to God. Conflict and confrontation needn’t happen because I would simply live to please.

And so I did.

In doing so, I somehow lost myself. I was serving my family. I was serving God’s people. I was knocking myself out doing and being for others what I felt they were needing and expecting me to do and be. If someone was hurting, I thought it was up to me to fix it. If someone needed something, I would drop everything to meet that need. If I hadn’t known of someone’s need, I felt guilty for not being aware.

There is a certain level of pleasing others that is healthy and good. We want to be a blessing to those around us. But the truth is: The only One I need to seek to please is God. In doing so, others will be blessed. My focus needs to be on God and His will for me. Not on others. And certainly not on self.

Satan doesn’t want any of us to thrive. He wants us to struggle, hurt, fight bitterness, and stay stuck in a pool of yuck and assume that it is just a part of this balanced breakfast.

Sure enough, he often tricks us into believing that our struggles are “part of our personality.” We think, “It’s just who I am.” As a matter of fact, he’s such a good deceiver that often, we don’t even realize that a struggle is a struggle. It may even be disguised as a “gift from God.” Satan takes truth and puts a slight twist on it so that it becomes a lie. He is the greatest of all deceivers. He’s a clever one, that Satan. Which is why seeking truth is so very important.

God was glorified even in the midst of my struggle while I strived to serve Him through my weaknesses. It’s just that God wanted to show me a better way. I needed to recognize Satan’s lies about what it meant to be a servant of God. And I needed to stop being deceived into thinking that God was only pleased with me if I served others around me until I passed out cold.

Remember my “high gear?” My always revved engine? I truly was working to glorify God with my Go!Go!Go! mentality and activity. I thought that always putting others first and constantly seeking to meet the needs of everyone around me was the way I was to serve God.

As it turns out, I was really seeking to serve myself. It was time for me to learn truth.

Continue reading: Stop

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Anxiety

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If you haven’t already, you may want to go back and read Raw, Guilt , and Beginning before reading this post.

~~~

Sit down. Be still. Chill out. Relax. I have been good at none of these.

I have always been – okay not always – but since about age 12, I have been running on high gear. I have been an old clunker of a car that only continues to run if you keep your foot on the gas pedal.

What? You only have new cars and therefore don’t understand the gas pedal pushing of which I speak? I’m thinking back mostly to a car I had in high school. The car would start sometimes and only when the weather was right, if I wasn’t wearing the color blue, and if it wasn’t the fourth Tuesday of the month. Starting it required that I pump the gas pedal continuously, praying that in doing so, I didn’t flood the engine.

Once the (blasted) car finally started, it could never sit idle. I had to rev the engine constantly to keep it from dying.

Me.  I have been the car that has a foot on the gas pedal, continuing to rev. And rev. And rev.

I didn’t know it though. I just thought that this was how I functioned. This is my personality, right? That is how I was able to get so much done in a day. This is how I do things. This was just me.

Or so I thought.

I am now learning that revving my engine in high gear should be saved for the few and far between moments when one of my boys flings himself off a mattress and into a metal bed frame, resulting in the need for a fast trip to the ER for stitches on his forehead. That should not be my normal, daily mode. Life is not an emergency, but I lived each moment like it was.

So that was me, and boy did I kick tail every day. I loved everything I was doing all day long. I love being with my kids, and teaching them. (Although I’m not a big fan of grammar lessons because really, why do my kids and I need to care about, much less identify, a predicate nominative?)  I love cooking and taking care of my home. I love writing and blogging and keeping in touch with all of my readers. I love Jesus and serving his people.

But somehow, I thought I needed my engine to be revved in high gear in order to do these things. There was no peace. Only a Go!Go!Go! mentality that kept me constantly on the move, constantly working to make sure I was being the best Christian possible, all the time, because this is what He’s called me to be and anything less was just not enough because, well, it just wasn’t.

Hardly anyone around me, even those who were closest to me – and I’m talking about my husband here – were actually very aware of my constantly revved engine. I mean, like I said, I certainly didn’t really recognize it. I thought this was just “me” and how I did life.

As so much of my yuck has been revealed to me by God the past few months and as I have shared it all (in detail) to my (longsuffering, amazing) husband – while he has been thankful to hear what God has been teaching me, he has also been surprised. He feels that I’m being too hard on myself perhaps. “Really Laura,” he has told me, “you have never come across to me as being this anxious. I see you as being driven, hard working, intentional – and yeah, you get a lot done in a day. But you do it all in love and with care. I really don’t see you as the crazy brained woman you are describing.”

Yeah, that’s because my revved engine was all pent up inside. It was in my shoulders that were constantly tight and stiff. It was in my head, which was constantly thinking about the next eighty-three things that “needed” to get done. So much for living in the moment! After all, the moment is just about to be sooo thirty seconds ago. Go!Go!Go! (Wow, get migraines much, Laura?)

I’m so grateful to share that God is helping me let go of the anxiety that has been driving me all these years. Hear the key words in that sentence: the anxiety that has been driving me. How dare I let anything as miserable as anxiety drive or control me, my attitude, and my actions? God calls me to serve Him, but like this?

I needed to let it go. But how?

Continue reading: Seek

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Beginning

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While many of you have shared with me since I wrote my Raw and Guilt posts that you can relate, that you have been or are in the same boat, or that you appreciate that I am being open – I believe I may have caused some of you to worry.

First let me say this: You all are rockin’ for caring so much. Thank you.  God is powerful and I can tell you are praying. Second, let me assure you: I am okay.  In fact, I’m more okay now than I ever have been. Why?  How can I be more than okay when I’m going through something challenging?

That, my friends, is what we call peace that passes understanding (Phil. 4:7). This is what James meant when he said to consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds (James 1:2-4). I had to become broken in order to see the beauty God was waiting to reveal.

God is working to help me break down and clear away yuck that has been inside my head and heart for a very long time. I’m learning how to be more fruitful for Him. I’m struggling, laboring, fighting hard, and am occasionally discouraged and weary. But I am not defeated.  In fact, the victory has already been won. I just happen to be on a journey right now to help me discover how to completely embrace that victory.

I love this difficult path that I’m on right now. Why? Because I don’t want to be the girl I was for 39 years. That girl was self-seeking, anxious, and almost constantly overwhelmed with life. Sure, I was a blessing to many and productive for Christ in many ways. God has used me, without a doubt. But learning to let go of self while seeking to become more whole for God? Yes! I want this!

Am I or should I be under a doctor’s care? As a matter of fact, I am. That’s actually what started all of this.

I was on a mission in September, 2012 to get on top of my migraine headaches and asthma. My migraines had been getting worse through the years, until I was having them at least twice a month. They lasted three days each time. Six days of migraines every month? No, thank you.

I found a natural doctor in a city nearby who has been giving my physical self a big time over-haul. I see her once every 3-4 weeks, and I have seen much improvement in my health during the past year. Nothing is a fast fix, as she is getting to the root of my issues, instead of just slapping on a band-aid. Through this process of physical healing, I am learning more and more about how our physical and emotional selves are intertwined. As my physical body has de-toxed, my emotional self has gone through major over-haul too. Layer after layer of emotional crud has been brought to light, and I’ve found that God wants to heal all of me.

Well now. It seems that God really intends for me to share more of this story. Put on your seat-belt. I’ll continue to share more of the lessons God is teaching me through all of this. I believe after I share more, you’ll understand why I really do find joy in this trial. Truly, there is a way to live life without freaking out, worrying, fretting, stressing out, being overwhelmed…

Continue reading: Anxiety

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